Well - contact after six months of S.T. - now what?

[lipstick]

Hi all!

Well, I got "contacted" after six months of Silent Treatment. Long story short - got dumped by my BPDex in October of last year. Total Silent Treatment the entire time except for a brief exchange at the beginning of February to handle a financial transaction. That exchange was followed up by a message telling me that "I'm sorry - but this has to be the end". That he could "only imagine how much he had hurt me and was continuing to hurt me now". Okay, fine, whatever.

Fast-forward to April 3rd. Mind you, I had already "de-friended" him on FB and was pretty darn good about not visiting his personal page and also the page he had created for me. The occasional slip-up for sure, but was feeling more and more detached. So now - April should have been a special month for us as it would have been our one-year anniversary of "reuniting" since our early twenties. A good friend of mine posted a link to my FB wall with a song that was BPDex's "tribute song" to me. My friend knows the whole sorry saga. I didn't think anything of it and thought the posting was harmless. Well, lo and behold, the ex decides to pop up out of nowhere and "like" the link and goes on to make some inane comment about it. Let me also add that at this point curiosity got the better of me and I visited the page he created for me. Now he's "unhidden" pictures of us and posts we made to each other on this page. I'm not freaked out or anything like that. I'm just wondering if this is a harbinger of things to come? If things might possibly escalate? I haven't blocked him - just "unfriended". I read somewhere that giving them attention - even negative attention - feeds their egos. So I just ignore him. 

I would appreciate any thoughts / insight on this. He's been dormant since this little "incident".   

Thanks! 

[Clearmind]

This is not so much about him.

All things/drama aside, how do you feel about the silent treatment Lipstick? Do you believe you deserve the silent treatment from him or anyone?

[lipstick]

Hi Clearmind,

To put it bluntly - the Silent Treatment sux. One of the most brutal forms of emotional abuse ever. Completely invalidates you as a person. I most certainly did not deserve it. But I try not to let anger rule my thinking. I understand that my ex suffers from a mental illness and I cannot change the behavior.

I do find it interesting that soo many folks here on the board told me to expect contact within six to eight months and BOOM! Right on the mark! I haven't responded to his nonsense and I hope I manage to keep it that way.

Thx!

[BrewCrew17]

I will take it a step further. Silent treatment IS the most brutal form of emotional abuse. I have been getting 3 months of it. And it kills me more and more every day. Immature is not even the word for it, it is beyond me that someone could do that to someone. One minute, I am a God, the next minute I am a piece of meat. It is pure emotional abuse. I am wondering if I will get the same random check in from the ex. The scary thing is, if she came back to me, I would have a hard time saying no to her.

I would also like some insight on the whole giving them attention is feeding their ego. I have tried to reach out to my ex several times, only to be ignored every time. Am I feeding her ego? How so? It just kills me... .  

[Mightyhammers]

The scary thing is, if she came back to me, I would have a hard time saying no to her

Yep – but this should pass. Right now I feel like you, but I want to be in a position in a few months time that if she does reach out to me again I can tell her where to go

I would also like some insight on the whole giving them attention is feeding their ego. I have tried to reach out to my ex several times, only to be ignored every time. Am I feeding her ego? How so? It just kills me... .  

Please, don’t do it. Even in a normal relationship this would push them away – unless that’s what you want?

[Take2]

Lipstick... .    I find it so encouraging to read how well you have handled your situation... .    it's pretty intense pain that the silent treatment causes.  It really is emotional abuse, just like you guys have said in this thread... .    your comment that you do not let anger rule your thinking is awesome... .     It seems so obvious but for some reason that statement really resonates with me.  I might actually need to post that somewhere on my desk at work (where my ex works also) to read it and remind myself to do that... .     

BrewCrew... .  I can so feel your pain just reading your post.  I hope each day gets better for you.  I have never had three months (or even 3 days) of no contact with my ex, but that's mostly because we work together... .    I'd like to think I'd be strong by three months out but I know I'd be feeling what you are feeling.  But I truly hope that as Mightyhammers said, it will get better... .  so by the time she does respond to you or reach out to you... .    you have gained that strength to say no... .     

[lipstick]

Take 2,

Thank you for your kind words. Having said that - there is NO WAY that I can even begin to imagine working with my ex. How?  I repeat, HOW? do you do it?  That is true inner strength right there.

The Silent Treatment was terrible. I begged, raged, you name it - with numerous FB msgs and emails for about six weeks. No response. Ever. On FB I would receive the little notification at the bottom of my sent messages telling me when the message had been "seen", but never a response. Assclown.

I finally had to shut it down for my own self-respect. Reading other member's posts here on bpdfamily.com truly saved my sanity. i do believe that. Seeing how my situation was similar in so many ways to other members really helped me to start the slow process of healing. I'm not there yet - and I understand that contact from the ex could come at any time. I know he constantly trolls my FB page - but I won't block him because I believe that is giving "attention". And I won't do it!   

Best wishes to all on their journey to happiness living "BPD Free" !

[lipstick]

BrewCrew,

On the whole "feeding the ego" thing. I've learned that being in control is an issue with pwBPD. So - to me - this means a couple of things.

1. The Silent Treatment gives them power over us and feeds their egos. We, as nons, don't understand why we're on the receiving end of such abuse - so we try to reach out for some type of explanation and / or closure. By not responding to our messages, voice mail, etc... . , they feel in control and it feeds their ego by watching us beg and plead for their attention.

2. I also believe that ANY type of attention - whether positive or negative - feeds their egos. Because, again, it's attention. My ex is a male Waif - but he also has just a smidge of NPD - so if I had responded in ANY WAY to his recent FB foolishness - he would have swooned over that. Attention, right? Ego boost, right? To him it would mean:  "oh, look - she still wants me!"      

Do I think he's done with me yet?  No. After reading posts from the illustrious "2010" on these boards - I'm convinced he'll keep "checking in" every so often. According to "2010", they always come back.  Luckily, he lives about 2 hours away from me - so I don't think he's going to show up at my front door!