How to turn it around

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPDbf and I have had the same drama filled relationship that I've read in so many other places on this very helpful and comforting website.  It's been 7 years, he's cheated, lied, pushed, pulled, painted me black, declared me the love of his life, hated me, etc. -  the whole nine yards.  So far though, he's never EVER said that his feelings toward me had changed and he's never said he was unsure he wanted to be with me.  He is also a narcissist. 

Where we stand right now is that after suffering through the mind blowing craziness of the last 7 years, I finally am raw, twitchy, angry and overall jealous and pissed off about his gas lighting, inappropriate relationships with his female clients, his mind games, mixed signals, etc.  I have started lashing out and coming unglued. His flip flopping of his relationship with his ex (whom he claims to hate, then he doesn't mind her, then he hates her, etc) has been a roller coaster. 

Still, despite all this, there is a side of him that is affectionate, vulnerable, attentive, funny, witty, caring, loveable.  Yes, I know how I have described the toxic side of our relationship, but the other half is that he and I connect in a way that I don't know that I could connect with anyone else. I'm terrified of losing him.  Recently, he has new supply.  One of his new clients is everything he looks for and she can help him in his career.  She's impressive to his friends, work colleagues, etc. I'm on the other hand ravaged with the scars of surviving the chaos of almost a decade, angry and jealous. I can't help myself when it comes to throwing things up in his face because some of the hurt that he's caused me runs deep. 

Well, for the first time he's truly making himself unavailable to me. Making excuses about working long hours, doesn't have time to see me. We did take a trip as recently as last week (returned a week ago today) but the great time we had seems to have been quickly forgotten.  Even during the trip I could sense my wondering if his kindness and affections were sincere or just an act for him to make it through the trip. 

How do I get him to come back to me? I can't compete with this other woman, the new one or even his old ex.  One has a total package of looks, personality, money, etc. and the other one has a history with him and backs him during emergencies with money.  I've never offered him anything other than me and til now, that was all he ever wanted from me.  He tells me this is all in my head, that he's not involved with either of them but he's unsure about his feelings for me. He thinks his feelings have changed and part of him wants to stay with me, but part of him doesn't.

I am probably doing all the wrong things by calling, texting, asking, approaching, suggesting, etc. How do I turn it around? I'm in so much pain and I'm so anxious and scared that I can barely string sentences together. 

[Siamese Rescue]

My uBPDbf and I have had the same drama filled relationship that I've read in so many other places on this very helpful and comforting website.  It's been 7 years, he's cheated, lied, pushed, pulled, painted me black, declared me the love of his life, hated me, etc. -  the whole nine yards.  So far though, he's never EVER said that his feelings toward me had changed and he's never said he was unsure he wanted to be with me.  He is also a narcissist. 

Where we stand right now is that after suffering through the mind blowing craziness of the last 7 years, I finally am raw, twitchy, angry and overall jealous and pissed off about his gas lighting, inappropriate relationships with his female clients, his mind games, mixed signals, etc.  I have started lashing out and coming unglued. His flip flopping of his relationship with his ex (whom he claims to hate, then he doesn't mind her, then he hates her, etc) has been a roller coaster. 

Still, despite all this, there is a side of him that is affectionate, vulnerable, attentive, funny, witty, caring, loveable.  Yes, I know how I have described the toxic side of our relationship, but the other half is that he and I connect in a way that I don't know that I could connect with anyone else. I'm terrified of losing him.  Recently, he has new supply.  One of his new clients is everything he looks for and she can help him in his career.  She's impressive to his friends, work colleagues, etc. I'm on the other hand ravaged with the scars of surviving the chaos of almost a decade, angry and jealous. I can't help myself when it comes to throwing things up in his face because some of the hurt that he's caused me runs deep. 

Well, for the first time he's truly making himself unavailable to me. Making excuses about working long hours, doesn't have time to see me. We did take a trip as recently as last week (returned a week ago today) but the great time we had seems to have been quickly forgotten.  Even during the trip I could sense my wondering if his kindness and affections were sincere or just an act for him to make it through the trip. 

How do I get him to come back to me? I can't compete with this other woman, the new one or even his old ex.  One has a total package of looks, personality, money, etc. and the other one has a history with him and backs him during emergencies with money.  I've never offered him anything other than me and til now, that was all he ever wanted from me.  He tells me this is all in my head, that he's not involved with either of them but he's unsure about his feelings for me. He thinks his feelings have changed and part of him wants to stay with me, but part of him doesn't.

I am probably doing all the wrong things by calling, texting, asking, approaching, suggesting, etc. How do I turn it around? I'm in so much pain and I'm so anxious and scared that I can barely string sentences together. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

My uBPDbf and I have had the same drama filled relationship that I've read in so many other places on this very helpful and comforting website.  It's been 7 years, he's cheated, lied, pushed, pulled, painted me black, declared me the love of his life, hated me, etc. -  the whole nine yards.  So far though, he's never EVER said that his feelings toward me had changed and he's never said he was unsure he wanted to be with me.  He is also a narcissist. 

This sounds pretty normal and you are unlikely to change his behavior substantially only limit your triggering of it or how it affects you.

Where we stand right now is that after suffering through the mind blowing craziness of the last 7 years, I finally am raw, twitchy, angry and overall jealous and pissed off about his gas lighting, inappropriate relationships with his female clients, his mind games, mixed signals, etc.  I have started lashing out and coming unglued. His flip flopping of his relationship with his ex (whom he claims to hate, then he doesn't mind her, then he hates her, etc) has been a roller coaster. 

In effect it has taken its toll and you feel drained. This happens to us all it is cycling fatigue, one issue after the next and no overall sense of progress.

Still, despite all this, there is a side of him that is affectionate, vulnerable, attentive, funny, witty, caring, lovable.  Yes, I know how I have described the toxic side of our relationship, but the other half is that he and I connect in a way that I don't know that I could connect with anyone else. I'm terrified of losing him.

Again normal, and part of the disorder,his lack of real self means he takes on board your thoughts and ideas and mirrors them back to you. Sometimes it is our own insecurities that can cause us to be drawn to this as it is very validating for us when we feel vulnerable.

Recently, he has new supply.  One of his new clients is everything he looks for and she can help him in his career.  She's impressive to his friends, work colleagues, etc. I'm on the other hand ravaged with the scars of surviving the chaos of almost a decade, angry and jealous. I can't help myself when it comes to throwing things up in his face because some of the hurt that he's caused me runs deep.

This empty sense of self, often likened to a black hole, has absorbed everything you can give, but that hole is never filled. What you give is consumed until it is gone. The need to be attracted to another source of supply is common. Neediness is rarely sated. Push pull behavior arises when the two opposing forces of neediness and fear of being controlled/ dependency clash. pwBPD often have both these characteristics, and hence the result is inherent instability.

Well, for the first time he's truly making himself unavailable to me. Making excuses about working long hours, doesn't have time to see me. We did take a trip as recently as last week (returned a week ago today) but the great time we had seems to have been quickly forgotten.  Even during the trip I could sense my wondering if his kindness and affections were sincere or just an act for him to make it through the trip. 

If BPD probably not an act, more of a compartmentalized reality. It is real in the moment, but easily closed off then moved on to the next moment. NPD characteristics however do seem to allow more continuity of thoughts and more constantly maintained facades.

How do I get him to come back to me? I can't compete with this other woman, the new one or even his old ex.  One has a total package of looks, personality, money, etc. and the other one has a history with him and backs him during emergencies with money.  I've never offered him anything other than me and til now, that was all he ever wanted from me.  He tells me this is all in my head, that he's not involved with either of them but he's unsure about his feelings for me. He thinks his feelings have changed and part of him wants to stay with me, but part of him doesn't.

You cant make him do anything. You have to start becoming unenmeshed, start looking after what you want. Examine your own life. How many of your decisions and actions are taken as reactions to how he does or may behave. If he does have his eyes elsewhere and you start waving your arms around trying to get his attention he will resent this as passive controlling and you will find it demeaning. any attempts at setting boundaries will become futile.

What is important to you? What makes you cringe in your sole? Pull away, set boundaries to protect you. You will start to see things more subjectively if you are not as close. If he still has feelings for you, you will gain more respect this way. Even if his words dont indicate this as he will see it as controlling behavior initially. If you dont concentrate on consolidating your own foundations you can have your very soul slowly sucked away.

[Somewhere]

You can only turn yourself around.

But that is a good place to start.

[arabella]

How do I get him to come back to me? I can't compete with this other woman, the new one or even his old ex.  One has a total package of looks, personality, money, etc. and the other one has a history with him and backs him during emergencies with money.  I've never offered him anything other than me and til now, that was all he ever wanted from me.  He tells me this is all in my head, that he's not involved with either of them but he's unsure about his feelings for me. He thinks his feelings have changed and part of him wants to stay with me, but part of him doesn't.

I am probably doing all the wrong things by calling, texting, asking, approaching, suggesting, etc. How do I turn it around? I'm in so much pain and I'm so anxious and scared that I can barely string sentences together. 

Oh, hi, welcome to my world!  I'm sorry that you're here - it's a crappy place to be!

So, as I said, I'm in a very similar spot (eerily similar, in fact)... .   except I'm a little further along the path at this point. So when my H dysregulated and decided that his most recent GF was the love of his life  and he "wasn't sure" about me any more, I went through the exact same thing. I found these boards and started reading like a fiend. I cried a LOT. I alternated between desperate, depressed, angry, just plain crazy, etc. Really I was completely non-functional - total mess. I tried prodding, guessing, suggesting, bribing, manipulating, etc. Useless. It went on for a few months (I only found out about 2 months in then 2 months more drama).

Now I'm mid-cycle, I think. His mood stabilized (the new meds probably helped) but he's still not sure which way is up. Or maybe he doesn't want to admit he was wrong. Who knows? I DO know that I'm done playing the guessing game. I am 100% worn out. I want to still care. I want things to work out. I still love him. BUT I am exhausted. I joined a Co-dependants Anonymous group and started just focusing on ME. (I didn't tell him any of this btw, just that I was doing some 'self-therapy' and 'group work'.) And guess what? Suddenly I'm much more interesting. Suddenly he wants to do things with me and go out for dinner and spend time together again. And suddenly he is not so obsessed with his GF. (And this sort of pisses me off now too - !)

So... .   I have no idea whether my change in attitude helped or not but it certainly didn't hurt. The more I learned to detach (you'll see a lot of that posted on these boards - "detach with love" the better things got. Coincidence? Could be. Regardless, nothing got worse and I stopped going completely crazy and I got my appetite back. So that's something, right?

This may not be helpful to you at all, but I just thought I'd share in case it does - and at least you know you aren't alone in this! Take care and keep posting - hopefully things will get better for you and some us can help you along the way.

[Siamese Rescue]

This place is amazing. The wealth of knowledge humbles me and inspires me. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to reply and to share and to advise.  The information is valuable to me because some of it I know, yet I keep choosing to ignore it, and to see it in writing from an expert again and again means that maybe it will stick in my own worn out brain.

I had no idea when I met this man that he was like this.  The first two years he treated me like a queen and I was none the wiser that he was not single as he represented himself to be.  I only found out two years into that he had been living a double life. Then all Hell broke loose and his ex girlfriend declared war and we've been fighting over him ever since.  I am so naive that there have been time periods where I actually thought the nightmare was over and she was gone only to learn she had been in the wings the entire time.  It is hard for me to admit this and even harder to type/write it but I am starting to realize that he is a sick man.  Just in the last year I've started using the term mentally abusive.  I admire people who can detach with love because I don't know how to do it.  I need to find the definition with the actual steps on how to do it.  Sadly, the only time I've detached have been brief week or two week intervals of no contact and it's usually because I'm so disgusted and aggravated that I can't bear another word from his mouth.  Another lie.  Another load of b/s. 

I'm going to keep reading this thread and these replies over and over again because the answers have calmed me and offered me some solace, allowed me to regain some composure.  When I read these answers I recognize the clarity of the situation and just how diseased he really is. And everyone is right that it's not likely to change.  He doesn't think he has a problem.  Heaven knows nothing is ever his responsibility or his fault.  There's an overwhelming amount of blame shifting. 

Thank you again for your kindness and sharing.  It helps so much. It really really helps.

[waverider]

Keep reading and posting, even in other peoples topics. There are big steps between recognizing what seems obvious, trusting your own thoughts. Putting them into action with confidence and ultimately thinking them so they are second nature. Constant reinforcement and practice is required. Even then it is hard to make it part of the way you think, as it is often unnatural.

Remember you are not trying to change anyone, or make things more fair. It is about protecting you and your own mental welfare. Life is usually hard because we allow it to be. Nobody can control us either unless we let them, so it is ultimately our responsibility to mold our lives.

Your thread title should be "How can I turn my life around"

[Siamese Rescue]

Your advise is sound and I need to take it and do something with it. I wish I could actually look at a granular list of steps to take. Part of the problem is that he and I are still in this relationship and he still calls me daily... .   So, for me, just taking his calls means I shift from leaving to staying. I don't know whether to break up, which would kill me, or to stay, which is killing me. Every phone call we have he plays his game and I get even more scared and panicky. I wish I knew what to do on a task style level. The notion of detaching with love seems great but I don't know how to actually do it.

[lizzie458]

One thing that helps me when I feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness and neediness (right after he rages and disconnects, for example), is to turn TO someone else.  I am very used to using my dBPDh as my one and only source of comfort because he can be so damn good at it!  However as we know, this is dangerous and unhealthy.  I've found that my best chance to lovingly detach comes when I can turn to my support network and lean on them a bit.  Of course, that means that when things are good (and also when things are bad), I need to pour into that support network as well. 

I go to Al Anon because I identify well with the people there (never know until you go to a few meetings!) and I find the best recovery for myself comes in the form of 12 steps.  In addition, my husband and I are in a home group through our church and I plug in with the women there.

It is tempting to live in a bubble with your BPD SO because they're so captivating, even when they dysregulate (my H's rages make me want to obsess even more!).  But the way to detach is to develop your healthy sense of self, and a way to do that is to plug in to other, healthy, safe, communities like this one here

[Siamese Rescue]

Thank you... . Everytime I read something on this site it freaks me out how accurately others describe my own situation. Yes, precisely you easily start to live in that bubble with him. And he is always your first choice. It's so identical to what you describe. I feel like I'm in a no win situation because I'm in trouble when I cling yet if I go out with friends or have breakfast w a male friend who is like a brother to me he labels me a slut and calls me a liar and I get in trouble for that. It's impossible. I agree with you though. I need to get out more and broaden my group of contacts. Your description of wanting to cling when he shoves you away is so accurate. I'm doing the same. It's hideous. I'm hideous right now.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Go easy on yourself Siamese Rescue!

I'm on your same path, (again  ) and detaching with love! Taking care of myself, no contact no matter how much I'd like to.  I've come to the place where I can not be kicked to the curb without serious consequence to my pwBPD.  Although there is a twinge of guilt for being the one stepping out of the situation, as most pwBPD fear abandonment, my self-respect is greater (now) than that guilt.  It's taken me a bit of time to get here, and I totally relate to where you are right now.  It gets better, I promise.

Big hugs

CiF

Btw, do u really do rescue? I do too... .  

[waverider]

True awareness of yourself, your situation and how to move forward is a slow evolution. There is no ABC of how to do it instructions. it is like a dawning of your own realizations. These will be similar to the experience of others, but will be unique and not the same.

Detaching and making space is not the same as leaving. it is about not making your decisions and opinions of yourself being dependent on another person.

Imagine two trees growing side by side each anchored in their own patch of soil. Neither dependent on each other, but their branches intertwined. That is a healthy RS. Not one growing off the other.

[Siamese Rescue]

I appreciate this so much. These replies are feeling like a lifeline right now. You mention that you are practicing no contact because you won't allow yourself to be kicked to the curb without serious consequences to him. Sadly I don't feel like I even have the leverage to cause consequences to him right now. His ex is older by ten years and always seduces him with money ... . Lately he is regurgitating everything she says about me. It's like she's hacking me to death and he's holding the hatchet for her. It's so painful and so outrageous in light of all the craziness she's inflicted on him. This is agony.

[waverider]

I appreciate this so much. These replies are feeling like a lifeline right now. You mention that you are practicing no contact because you won't allow yourself to be kicked to the curb without serious consequences to him. Sadly I don't feel like I even have the leverage to cause consequences to him right now. His ex is older by ten years and always seduces him with money ... . Lately he is regurgitating everything she says about me. It's like she's hacking me to death and he's holding the hatchet for her. It's so painful and so outrageous in light of all the craziness she's inflicted on him. This is agony.

You are being triangulated. Not everything he attributes to what she said about you will be accurate, and viz versa.

You dont need leverage to look after you. Put yourself first, the only competition you have with rebuilding yourself, is your own self doubt.

This "competing" is chewing you up. Make yourself a boundary " I will not compete"

[lizzie458]

Waverider, you took the words right out of my mouth!

Just a note, Siamese - you mentioned going out with a guy friend earlier.  Personally I've decided that I will only enter into close relationships with other women (me being female) because I am 100% committed to my husband no matter what (despite this damn awful disease), and I don't want temptation, appearance of impropriety, etc. to be added to the mix.  This is just something I've decided for myself, because I could very easily see an emotional affair developing out of my own need for validation, closeness, etc. coming out in a potentially inappropriate (though unintentional) way if I were to confide in a man.  I maintain acquaintenceships with men, but I try to keep the deep stuff to my ladies, and I keep myself out of social situations where it would be just me and another guy hanging out (because then there's temptation to get deep) - just makes things less complicated for me

[Cardinals in Flight]

I appreciate this so much. These replies are feeling like a lifeline right now. You mention that you are practicing no contact because you won't allow yourself to be kicked to the curb without serious consequences to him. Sadly I don't feel like I even have the leverage to cause consequences to him right now. His ex is older by ten years and always seduces him with money ... . Lately he is regurgitating everything she says about me. It's like she's hacking me to death and he's holding the hatchet for her. It's so painful and so outrageous in light of all the craziness she's inflicted on him. This is agony.

Hi again  

It's not so much about leverage, as it were, but more about me taking care to protect my heart.  I cannot continue on this one way street without a fair amount of self harm, its too damaging.  I have been the emotional caretaker as many of us in these relationships are, I accepted that realizing her emotional maturity is stunted.  That doesn't mean I have to accept everything dished out,  I have my limits.  My limits have been reached.

I'm hurting, I'm sad just like you.  :)etachment to me, in this situation means sitting on my hands and waiting... .  either she will come to me, or she will not.  Either way, I know I'll be alright.  Either way I know in my heart of hearts that I can't do this forever, at least not in the same way.  

I love her very very much.  We are awesome together, until we aren't... .  

[Siamese Rescue]

So much of this makes sense now. First, I spelled advice wrong in an earlier post. That's how screwed up my head is these days. I appreciate the suggestion about the female friends only and I can think of male friends I have who could be considered by my bf as ammunition against me, but this friend is more like a benign, (Very Unattractive, very innocent) relative to me. Further I have been betrayed by some female friends who refuse to entertain anything other than "leave him" and then they used the info deeply personal info to judge me... .  Where, the guy who is like a brother, is 100% trustworthy plus his relationship is with a BPD so he totally gets it... .  Still I understand what you're saying and there's much truth to it. there are male friends I have that I can't confide in or get close to because I am committed to my bf, have been faithful to him for 7 yrs... .

I respect the term triangulated and am grateful it was mentioned. Each sentence in these replies help me so much... .  

[arabella]

Yes, yes, and yes! Been there, done that!

Some great advice posted here. You're looking for steps to take? Well, as waverider says, there is no one way to detach. I can give you some thoughts that I've used to help me, maybe they will help you too?

This is all just my experience, YMMV:

- it doesn't matter what he regurgitates from his other GF, you have no control over this, all you can do is be your own awesome self and it will become obvious to him (eventually) that GF is a manipulative liar. Or, he won't realize it, because he doesn't want to, or he's being willfully blind to it, in which case you never stood a chance anyway and at least you didn't let it drive you crazy. My H resents it when his GF talks about me now, and I don't talk about her, so... .  He thinks less of GF and better of me. haha! (Sorry, I can't resist - she dug her own hole. Meanwhile, I feel good about the way I behaved.)

- don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. Curiosity killed the cat (in this case, my mental health). Think you might get a really upsetting answer? Just don't ask - unless it's something practical that you really need to know - but then it's probably not that upsetting a subject.

- don't get involved in his 'stuff'. Does it directly affect me? No? Let it go. No fixing, no obsessing, just let the very thought of it go. Move back to your own stuff. What can I work on within myself? What can I do to occupy my time productively (including taking care of myself by getting extra sleep, going out, self-soothing, etc)? I'm building myself up so that I'll be so awesome that I won't be so upset if H leaves. Maybe I won't even care if he leaves? I mean, I'd prefer if he stayed, but that's not my choice to make and maybe my new awesome self will attract even better things!

- Co-dependants Anonymous has some great guidelines for becoming less enmeshed: putting yourself first; it's okay (and healthy!) to say 'no'; do things that make YOU feel good; do not tie your self-esteem to someone else or to winning approval; etc.

- regardless of your religious affiliation, the Buddhist philosophers have come up with some great stuff regarding detaching with love, and ways to do it, although it's often labelled using other words (i.e. acting with compassion, letting go of attachments, etc). There are a LOT of teachings on this subject and I've found some of it very helpful to me.

- accept that everything is not your fault. I am a control freak and it just kills me that I can't control any of this. I'm learning to let go. I can't control it = not my fault. The two things are tied together. I had to stop beating myself up regarding my reactions and behaviour before I could detach. I am responsible for myself but not for the whole situation. The more I let go, the more composed I am.

- detaching with love doesn't mean that I can't stay in the r/s. Being kind to myself means allowing me to be where I need to be right now. Maybe I will need to leave eventually, maybe he'll leave eventually, maybe I'll stay in this r/s forever. I don't know and that is okay. I won't pressure myself to make a decision I'm not ready for. I can change my mind any time.

Again, this is just stuff I've been thinking about and working on lately. Maybe you can find something in there that will resonate with you and help you to move past the darkness.

By the way, you are NOT "hideous" - you are a lovely person who has given more than you should. Now take a step back and breathe in some new energy for yourself. Don't beat yourself up for doing what you want to do, just keep moving forward and your path will begin to clear.

[waverider]

Yes, yes, and yes! Been there, done that!

Some great advice posted here. You're looking for steps to take? Well, as waverider says, there is no one way to detach. I can give you some thoughts that I've used to help me, maybe they will help you too?

This is all just my experience, YMMV:

- it doesn't matter what he regurgitates from his other GF, you have no control over this, all you can do is be your own awesome self and it will become obvious to him (eventually) that GF is a manipulative liar. Or, he won't realize it, because he doesn't want to, or he's being willfully blind to it, in which case you never stood a chance anyway and at least you didn't let it drive you crazy. My H resents it when his GF talks about me now, and I don't talk about her, so... .  He thinks less of GF and better of me. haha! (Sorry, I can't resist - she dug her own hole. Meanwhile, I feel good about the way I behaved.)

- don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. Curiosity killed the cat (in this case, my mental health). Think you might get a really upsetting answer? Just don't ask - unless it's something practical that you really need to know - but then it's probably not that upsetting a subject.

- don't get involved in his 'stuff'. Does it directly affect me? No? Let it go. No fixing, no obsessing, just let the very thought of it go. Move back to your own stuff. What can I work on within myself? What can I do to occupy my time productively (including taking care of myself by getting extra sleep, going out, self-soothing, etc)? I'm building myself up so that I'll be so awesome that I won't be so upset if H leaves. Maybe I won't even care if he leaves? I mean, I'd prefer if he stayed, but that's not my choice to make and maybe my new awesome self will attract even better things!

- Co-dependants Anonymous has some great guidelines for becoming less enmeshed: putting yourself first; it's okay (and healthy!) to say 'no'; do things that make YOU feel good; do not tie your self-esteem to someone else or to winning approval; etc.

- regardless of your religious affiliation, the Buddhist philosophers have come up with some great stuff regarding detaching with love, and ways to do it, although it's often labelled using other words (i.e. acting with compassion, letting go of attachments, etc). There are a LOT of teachings on this subject and I've found some of it very helpful to me.

- accept that everything is not your fault. I am a control freak and it just kills me that I can't control any of this. I'm learning to let go. I can't control it = not my fault. The two things are tied together. I had to stop beating myself up regarding my reactions and behaviour before I could detach. I am responsible for myself but not for the whole situation. The more I let go, the more composed I am.

- detaching with love doesn't mean that I can't stay in the r/s. Being kind to myself means allowing me to be where I need to be right now. Maybe I will need to leave eventually, maybe he'll leave eventually, maybe I'll stay in this r/s forever. I don't know and that is okay. I won't pressure myself to make a decision I'm not ready for. I can change my mind any time.

Again, this is just stuff I've been thinking about and working on lately. Maybe you can find something in there that will resonate with you and help you to move past the darkness.

By the way, you are NOT "hideous" - you are a lovely person who has given more than you should. Now take a step back and breathe in some new energy for yourself. Don't beat yourself up for doing what you want to do, just keep moving forward and your path will begin to clear.

Keep a copy of this post, there is much wisdom in this. It takes a lot ot time and practice to achieve what may seem obvious in this, so it is worth revisiting. Note it is all about you, not him, so you can make these changes independent of what anyone else does.

[arabella]

It takes a lot ot time and practice to achieve what may seem obvious in this, so it is worth revisiting.

"And time goes by so slowly

And time can do so much... .  "

Seems like a snail's pace (maybe slower ). I just keep trying to follow my own advice - sometimes it is indeed more obvious to me, other times it's right out the window and over my head. Just keep on plodding along... .  

Thanks for the vote of confidence, waverider!

[benny2]

Siamese, I to have many friends, family telling me to leave him. I resented that because it was not what I wanted to hear. Now, I realize they are telling me this because they see what this relationship is doing to me. They are being honest, and even though it hurts, that is what friends are for. Don't aleinate your friends, you may need them.