finally got my things...

[Depression = 72% of members]

the bad news is; it didn't go so well. Rage. He as much as threw them out. Not a surprise really.

The good news is; I got my things.

I am now painted very black. There may be another contact or two and then NC. (he has yet to pick up his stored items in my yard ( at least they are outside).

I have been accused of being selfish, one-sided, a liar, I don't trust him, he can't lean on me, I do not comfort him, and to kick it really hard; he grew tired of waiting for me. If this was not so ridiculous I would cry. Scratch that, I did for a bit.

There is no line of logic I am able to find and follow. He denies most of my participation or past help, diminishes the rest. He is panicked and desperate because he will soon be out of money, lose his business, and possibly more. I think this is fogging his vision more than his inherent anger. Either way, it felt abusive.

I am trying to see the light in this, I am trying to remember the feelings of freedom when I first left his place. I am doing all that is possible to tell myself it will not only be better, it will be great, when I heal, when I solve my "stuff" which led me here, when I am a little farther away. Today it stings. Today it is me saying "You were not in a relationship with ME, you were in a relationship with what I could do for you". This realization burns my skin. Tears came again.

I have read over threads from members who are farther ahead, happy, thankful. I'm hoping to become one of those people. Right now I must rebuild what I allowed myself to let go for 5.5 years. Forgive myself and hopefully someday forgive him.

I have a lot of work to do. 

[wishingwell17]

the bad news is; it didn't go so well. Rage. He as much as threw them out. Not a surprise really.

The good news is; I got my things.

I am now painted very black. There may be another contact or two and then NC. (he has yet to pick up his stored items in my yard ( at least they are outside).

I have been accused of being selfish, one-sided, a liar, I don't trust him, he can't lean on me, I do not comfort him, and to kick it really hard; he grew tired of waiting for me. If this was not so ridiculous I would cry. Scratch that, I did for a bit.

There is no line of logic I am able to find and follow. He denies most of my participation or past help, diminishes the rest. He is panicked and desperate because he will soon be out of money, lose his business, and possibly more. I think this is fogging his vision more than his inherent anger. Either way, it felt abusive.

I am trying to see the light in this, I am trying to remember the feelings of freedom when I first left his place. I am doing all that is possible to tell myself it will not only be better, it will be great, when I heal, when I solve my "stuff" which led me here, when I am a little farther away. Today it stings. Today it is me saying "You were not in a relationship with ME, you were in a relationship with what I could do for you". This realization burns my skin. Tears came again.

I have read over threads from members who are farther ahead, happy, thankful. I'm hoping to become one of those people. Right now I must rebuild what I allowed myself to let go for 5.5 years. Forgive myself and hopefully someday forgive him.

I have a lot of work to do. 

[Cumulus]

Lots of work yes. But I have come to believe that life is a continuous process of work in getting to know ourselves, understand others and to grow emotionally and spiritually. What you said about knowing that he was in the relationship not so much for you, but for what you could do for him, (did I get it right?), says you have all ready entered a new phase of growth. It sounds to me like you have a lot of inner strength. Take care of yourself.

[wishingwell17]

Cumulus,

Yes, you were correct.

Inner strength? Maybe.

I'm trying to move my hope, loyalty, and optimism to my personal journey now instead of using it as a crutch to lie to myself in regards to what I once allowed myself to believe.

Inner strength for me has been a curse and a blessing.

I'll accept your compliment (thank you) and work on discernment  of what I believe, when I'm healed and farther along, will only be thought as a blessing.

I think I'll go find a few more of those lists about what feels good when you are on your own again and address why this is hard at my T, tomorrow.

[VeryFree]

Hi Wishingwell

Good for  you that you got your things. Too bad it didn't go the way you wanted. On the sunny side: once more became clear why you went away.

I'm in the same situation, but I do not have my things yet. She holds on to them and doesn't want to give them back, even after a court order.

Well, it's irritating, but they are just things. Nothing beats freedom (you can put that on your list).

Take care!

[Surnia]

A   for having your stuff back at least. A very brave and important step.

And    for the tears. Let them come, it is okay.

I think there is a line of logic, he is in a huge extinction burst and it is abusive. It sounds harsh, this is now his business.

After the tears what about a little ceremony for your things back? Washing the clothes, hanging them outside in the sun or burn some incense about the things... .  

[wishingwell17]

Very Scared: Freedom. It's been added. At the top. 

I'm sorry you have not been able to retrieve your items, even with the help of the court. They are indeed "just things" and pointing out our freedom having far more value is very true. Good for you for taking this mind-frame.

Surnia,

Thank you for reminding me it is HIS business. I think some kind of ceremony is in order... .  a cleansing event.

Incense is a good idea, too.

It's a beautiful sunny morning. I'm thankful for this, and all of you. While I had been "detaching" I feel it is all very real now and NC will come soon.  My work has just begun; I'm sad for so many reasons and disappointed in myself. I want to feel this and experience it and start the work to become the partner I wish for myself, someday.

I also have a T appt. today. I always feel better after, and more aligned to my true self.