Why did he pick her and not me?

[changingme]

This is a question that I have been dealing with for a very very long time.  After everything, my ex ended up staying with the girl he kept going back to between our recycles. What exactly was it about her? Why did he seem to give her the better treatment? I thought I gave him everything, so did everyone else.  No one on the outside understood his choice and neither did I. 

Well, after reading A LOT here, I am starting to understand.  I was so angry and hurtful back. I attacked him for EVERYTHING he did wrong, I began to become critical even for the silly and small things that I used to love or find funny. Some of you get the point.  However, the other girl, on the other hand, I believe has been more supportive and accepting of the entire him and of all his flaws.

Yes I know I am better off without the relationship, but this new finding is just a whole lot to swallow right now

[fakename]

I don't think it's fair to blame yourself and you aren't doing the right thing by thinking of any small thing you did that you can fingerpoint to contributing to the end result.

It sounds like we had a similar situation.

And after a long time of thinking, reading and coming to terms with things I still don't know why things ended the way they did.

But I know I did more than I could have to make the relationship ship work, even with my shortcomings.   So there's nothing else I can do or stress over.

Maybe she wants someone who gives her better sex or had a better body or has more money or whatever.  I don't know and never will.

Maybe she needs to be with someone who didn't show her as muh love affection and attention as I did.

The only answer I can come up with is that hat happens to my future is up to me and how I end up after the breakup depends on the toe of forward steps I take. Ad while sometimes it can be tough, I think those types of things are what I should only be focusing or stressin about. Not what goes on inside my Ex's head.

[Clearmind]

Changingtimes, I know its tempting to compare why her and not me – trust me I did the same thing. It’s possible he sees her as unfinished business – if you familiar with how the relationships evolve – the pendulum hasn’t quite swung the other way yet. It will.

And yes it’s likely she is more accepting – this will backfire – as it did with me. I was super supportive and accepting and tireless in my efforts to rescue – in the beginning it was what drew him to me – my perceived dominance/togetherness – that soon landed on its head.

I then became the persecutor – all that serving of each other – became my relationships demise. He felt even less in control as I was being built up into something I am not - perfect. The relationship fails when we are seen to have perceived flaws.

[changingme]

I don't think I am blaming myself here too much.  I think I just held myself on a high-horse so to say, almost like a victim to his behaviors.  I couldn't understand why I always ended up in this situation over and over (like no of it was my fault). I couldn't understand the relationship with the new gf, but now I see I also emotionally immature (as I have read here on the boards) to put myself in the same situation and to be lashing out in so much anger.  I came to this site for understanding from others for my ex's behaviors and I am getting more understanding about myself.  When it hits you all at once you feel a little taken back, taking a step down from the pedestal I put myself on and like I said, it is a lot to taken in at once. 

[laelle]

Its who can give him what he needs at the moment that he needs it.  Only God knows what they really need.

If you have flaws (we all have them, we are human)  and they see you as an extension of them, then they have flaws.  They can not see bad in themselves because they are emotionally immature, and if they have a flaw it means THEY ARE FLAWED.  THEY ARE A MISTAKE.

Maybe he has taken so much time looking at the cracks in your mirror that he hasnt noticed hers.  Dont worry, he will.  It replays over and over... .  

[clairedair]

Hi changingtimes

He didn't pick her.  He picked not dealing with himself.

As you know, my exH recycled me and a girlfriend several times (never overlapped so he couldn't be accused of cheating!) and is now about to marry a third woman he's known via work for a while but only been dating 5 months.  

The gf was perfect for him - everything I was not and everything he said he needed in a partner but when he divorced me, he didn't marry her (as he had planned to before) - he reconciled with me, left and got engaged to another.  Ex-gf is probably in same boat as me wondering why she held on for so long.

The new fiancee sounds more like me than the ex-gf.  What's different about her is that she's 'new' and he probably hasn't hurt her (yet) and she probably hasn't hurt him (yet). Every time he was with me or ex-gf, he'd have to live with knowing that we had been hurt and angry and even though I told him I was willing to move forward, he couldn't stay.  He can admit that shame is a 'driver' for his behaviour but doesn't seem able to stop diving into relationships that he hopes will make him feel better about himself.  

I have been angry with him and I hurt him badly some time ago (which he has never really got over even though others think his reaction out of proportion).  I have also been kind, learned to listen, rearranged my life to suit and nothing made a difference.

I told him once that I did not feel that his gf was the competition - I felt that his 'dis-ease' with himself/his 'demons' were what I was battling.

The only answer I can come up with is that hat happens to my future is up to me and how I end up after the breakup depends on the toe of forward steps I take. Ad while sometimes it can be tough, I think those types of things are what I should only be focusing or stressin about. Not what goes on inside my Ex's head.

I'm not good at this - still spending too much time wondering what it was all about/wondering what's coming next etc instead of concentrating on what I can do.

[Vindi]

be happy he picked her, i guess what i am saying is, you know there were tough times in the relationship and knew it wasn't healthy, so be happy for your freedom now. And who really knows "what goes on behind closed doors", this girl could be miserable, but maybe putting up with your ex, they can still fight alot, maybe just not as much as you and him did... .  ... .  .maybe she is more tolerant of his behavior.

Just be happy that you are not with him, and not comparing to his new girl, who really even knows how that relationship truly is.

[fakename]

@clairedair,

i understand and it's just a part of the grieving process i think... .  

it helped me to get a better understanding of BPD and why everything happened the way it did and what things actually meant... .  its still painful, so dont be hard on yourself... .  its a part of life and a result of the choices we made maybe... .  it gets better in time... .  i'm almost 3 months out of my breakup, and she reached out to me in her manipulative ways, but i stood my ground and i'm doing pretty good.

I'm not good at this - still spending too much time wondering what it was all about/wondering what's coming next etc instead of concentrating on what I can do.

[tailspin]

changingtimes,

Everyone who's been replaced asks themselves the same question and I'm sorry this is still causing you pain.  I did this to myself too until I realized this was my ex's pattern; there will always be someone else for him.  The next one will be "the one" who makes his pain go away and I also realized it was never really about me at all.  It was always about him and his endless needs.

Our ex's project and deflect their pain onto us, and we carry this pain with us so they can move on with their lives.  But you don't have to accept this fate.  If you can see his mental illness for what it is you can let go of him without feeling as though he picked someone else because you weren't good enough.  You were always good enough and this wasn't about you.  This was always about him chasing a ghost.

tailspin

[Sleep doc]

Hi changing times

So I'm going to tell you something that you might find intriguing in this process.  The other person is being recycled just as much as you are, they just aren't as effected by it because they have been through the dance and he fulfills HER narcissistic supply by always coming back or fail to recognize that is what is going on (they think it's just a perpetual casual relationship and nothing serious).

In my situation, the next guy for my exBPD had been the previous guy, had been casual sexual guy, and had even been the guy during the relationship.  Why?  Because he would never say I love you (because he doesn't - he is probably smart enough to just love himself and recognize he can get what he wants from her without putting out the real emotional effort of a relationship).  He has set some boundaries consciously or subconsciously.  He was her casual relationship (one of many I suspect for all I know) and during that entire time, every time she wanted it to be more or was hoping it would be more, he would find a way to put her in her place and make it obvious that he doesn't fall for the tricks (primarily triangulating (read definition) him against his friends - one time his own roommate).  He always stayed in control.  What would she do in those moments?  Come crying to me about how this makes her feel and then try to advance boundaries with me.  I always denied her until I got actively triangulated with a colleague of mine and my ego got the better of me.  

If a BPD keeps going back to one person as a point of transfer or triangulation (read definition) it is because of that persons perpetual availability, ignorance of the real situation, or that persons ability to have set VERY clear boundaries.  Their relationship is parasitic, one that fills a hole for each of them.  My guess is fall back guy is a narcissist who needs perpetual supply but will not give any in return for fear of engaging in true feelings and having loss.  She is borderline and has the exact same end motives but a complete willingness to provide perpetual supply by accessing him for sex and emotional support (albeit superficial on his part) whenever she needs to transition or feels low in self worth.  She has never painted him black permanently because he has never said I love you which is a trigger for them to believe that they can use you to love themselves.  If you have said I love you, committed to the relationship in anyway, and then found enough pride, self worth and self esteem TO GET THE HELL OUT then your reward will be to be painted black and be transitioned almost immediately.  The ones that go back to a perpetual recycle feel safe in knowing that person will never detach from them or if they did they haven't invested in the attachment.  If you had set clear boundaries in the beginning and not violated them, you could have been that person.  You didn't (because you know... .  you actually fell in love with them) and your punishment for being human is to have them flaunt the recycling of another in your face.  I would say that your gift TO YOURSELF is to get whole, fall in love with you and then give your true self to a person who is your EQUAL.  Trust me you will be a lot happier.  

[Billa]

This is a question that I have been dealing with for a very very long time.  After everything, my ex ended up staying with the girl he kept going back to between our recycles. What exactly was it about her? Why did he seem to give her the better treatment? I thought I gave him everything, so did everyone else.  No one on the outside understood his choice and neither did I. 

Well, after reading A LOT here, I am starting to understand.  I was so angry and hurtful back. I attacked him for EVERYTHING he did wrong, I began to become critical even for the silly and small things that I used to love or find funny. Some of you get the point.  However, the other girl, on the other hand, I believe has been more supportive and accepting of the entire him and of all his flaws.

Yes I know I am better off without the relationship, but this new finding is just a whole lot to swallow right now

I have the same question in my mind, every day since I began to suspect their cheating on me... .  

[Sleep doc]

The other person either doesn't know or DOESN'T CARE!  They either are as blissfully unaware as you once were about how truly disordered the person is, or they know all too well how disordered they are and have learned to not get attached to it in anyway EMOTIONALLY.  What I mean is... .  they are disordered too.   It is the only way you can survive with this kind of person.  You have to not just be a little crazy like we are (because let's not kid ourselves no self respecting person would have ever embarked on this journey), you have to be equivalently disordered or truly be devoid of true human empathy to embark on anything with this type of person in anyway at all.  Because I'm telling you as clearly as I know it - I am smart, rational human being and I know what I am dealing with.  I was friends with her for three years - I wasn't naive about the fact that she had problems.  But it's the tale of the frog and the scorpion.  Eventually the scorpion (the BPD) will sting the frog - no matter how smart the frog things he or she is.  The other woman will eventually get screwed.  My prediction of my exBPD is she will get pregnant "accidentally".  Then we will see how white the "recycler" is... .  

[Newton]

changingtimes ... .  striving to personalize his nonsensical decisions will wrap your brain and feelings into knots... .  

Hard as it is to do... .  remember, this isn't about you... .  or anyone else for that matter... .  

He chose the least path of resistance to facilitate, prolong, and enable his disorder... .  he is acting on base emotions and acting out with base behaviour... .  it's that simple and brutal... .  

Surely you deserve better... .  

[patientandclear]

Changingtimes ... .  not sure how you can regard him as treating this other woman well if he has repeatedly left her for you.  Don't forget the pain caused to these other folks when we are on the upswing.

My uBPDexbf went back to his exgf after we decided not to try to reunite because he was going to work on his intimacy issues in therapy and be alone.  That lasted a couple of weeks.  I was so torn up asking the same kind of questions as you are ... .  why was he willing to devote himself to making it work with her when he'd walked away from me after "all" I asked him to do was deal with his tendency to abruptly leave relationships?  Why was he talking about having kids with her when the trigger for him leaving me had been his supposed realization that he didn't want to engage in childrearing again (I have a small child)?

But you know what?  After all that, shortly after she really committed to try again with him, he bailed on her.  And a few months after that, when we'd established a friendship and were spending time together, he was texting her to say that he was doing X with a "wonderful woman" (that was me).  I mean, who does that?  Who inflicts that kind of hurt on someone they've repeatedly let down after asking and asking the person to give them another chance?

Sounds to me like he's treating her like he's treated you.  As a previous poster said, the exact dynamics may differ because she may try to accommodate and accommodate.  But the tests with pwBPD just keep getting harder, until ultimately you have become an utter doormat, you draw a line and defend a boundary, risking the r/s, or you become so utterly emotionally indifferent to them that it's a r/s without value.  Those seem to be the options.  None of them compare favorably to where you are.

[changingme]

not sure how you can regard him as treating this other woman well if he has repeatedly left her for you.  Don't forget the pain caused to these other folks when we are on the upswing.

This is true, patientandclear, I do have to remind myself of this. It is easy to forget. 

The other person either doesn't know or DOESN'T CARE!  They either are as blissfully unaware as you once were about how truly disordered the person is, or they know all too well how disordered they are and have learned to not get attached to it in anyway EMOTIONALLY.  What I mean is... .  they are disordered too.   It is the only way you can survive with this kind of person.  You have to not just be a little crazy like we are (because let's not kid ourselves no self respecting person would have ever embarked on this journey), you have to be equivalently disordered or truly be devoid of true human empathy to embark on anything with this type of person in anyway at all.

There is truth to this as well and I have thought of that too; that she just doesn't care.  Almost like she will do anything to "keep him" over me.  I, however, know I deserve better treatment and I have made that known.  I just wish I was stronger to have walked away, instead of dealing with the dysfunction and being so angry and mean in the process. 

Just be happy that you are not with him, and not comparing to his new girl, who really even knows how that relationship truly is.

I really don't know how the relationship is, I just see things, but you are right I don't really know. 

Full of great advice here everyone.  Thanks for taking the time to reply on this topic