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[judebug]

My MIL, is BPD. It is the typical story. Constant insanity. H and I have 2 kids, S, (from my previous marriage) who is 7 years old and S, who is 2.5 years old. I have watched H endure the emotional abuse and torture for almost 5 years now. Let me start by saying, this is his step-mother. She has ruined or sabotaged every relationship he has ever with another woman, including his biological mother. She has tried her hardest at coming between H and I, and at times I feel like she might!

I don't know if it is because he is so used to her erratic behavior and he feels like it is just easier to "sweep it under the rug and ignore it" or if he is really this controlled by her. I cannot stand watching her do these downright evil things to him. Of course with most BPD's, holidays are always a disaster. She just went through one of her "episodes". She actually managed to pull the rug out from under H this time. A few days after Easter, she had his own father, call him. FIL informed him that, "Our behavior on Easter was not acceptable and he was disgusted with the way we treated we treated MIL". He went on to tell H that he needed a break from him, and that he was "done" with him for now. H was left absolutely bewildered. I know he is in a lot of pain right now, and he is doing his best not to show it. It so hard for me to watch... .  and the sad part is I already know what will happen. MIL will call or email H in about 2 months. She will tell him this is not family treats each other and she will "mend" the relationship between H. Therefore, she becomes the hero and has to take zero responsibility for her actions.

[mamachelle]

Hi Judebug,



Sorry to hear your MIL is causing so much drama in your life. We can help you put this into perspective and give you some tools to improve communication all around.

Just curious, where is your H's Biomom in all this?

Does your H seem to understand your frustrations with the latest Easter issues ?

Are you in therapy yourself?

Here are some good books and resources you might want to check out:

Essential Family Guide

Understanding the Borderline Mother

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Looking forward to hearing more.

Yours,

mamachelle

[judebug]

The H and his BioMom, have since mended their relationship. And wouldn't you know, BPD told me that I have made H betray her and I have "undone all the good she has ever done for him". The H is torn between two families, both of which I feel are very delusional in their recaps of life. His BioMom was not the best mom in the world growing up. She was a young mom. Had her first child at 19 and her 3rd (the H) by 21, that is when FIL divorced her and moved away to Chicago, leaving her in a with 3 young babies in a city where she had no friends or family. She did the best she could with what she had at the time. She is a WONDERFUL grandma now, and a great person in general.

When the H was 11, his dad met MIL. They married within two months of knowing each other. H and his brother's moved in with FIL and MIL. MIL could not handle H's brother's. So within a month of the boys moving in there, they were packed up and shipped back out. This time to move in with their grandparents. H did not want to leave, but because of his brother's actions his stuff was packed up waiting for him on the porch when he got home. He had to ask MIL if he could stay. Even to this day (he is 32 now) he says he still remembers how empty he felt right at that moment. MIL began to prey on him from there on out. She broke him down to build him back up. She let the town know that H was her "project", that she had saved him from this horrible life and turned him from a failing student to a straight B student and phenomenal athlete. She then used this against him. Telling him how horrible his brothers were, they would amount to nothing, just like he would have done, if not for her. He knew this wasn't true, and he has told me that he would have dealt with or accepted just about anything for the stability and a relationship with his dad. MIL will bash the H's BioMom or the H's "other family" (as she refers to them) every chance she gets. Even publicly.

He remembers being 15 and having a picture of his girlfriend, in her bikini (along with other friends in the pic), in his dresser drawer... .  I should add that this was in a stack of pictures, not just a single photo. He came home one day to find MIL in a complete rampage because, "he had a picture of his gf in her bra and underwear HIDING in his underwear drawer". She not only made him feel like he should have been shameful for that, but also told other people about it just to embarrass him. Meanwhile, her 14 year old son had a subscription to and a stack of Playboys next to his bed, and she had no problem with that.

Where is he in all of this? ... .  that's a hard question to answer. At times I feel like he can see her abusive behavior other times he loves her and says he/we just have to accept her for who she is and ignore her "manic episodes". Fine, if he wants to live his life like that. But now that we have children and it's effecting them and our relationship, it's not okay. There are times that he makes me feel like I am out of line for pointing out her behavior, and that's where/when I see red. The H expects everyone else (even himself) to take responsibility for their actions, why does he not uphold her to these same standards? He doesn't see that it's not just HIM in this relationship with her anymore. She effects all of us, and that's exactly what she wants to do. She knows how to manipulate him to the point that I can barely look her in the face when I am around her. I avoid her at all costs. I know she is constantly waiting for H or I to say something she can use against us later... .  I feel like her mind seethes evil. I try to understand his loyalty towards her... .  it's just so hard when her manipulation is so blatantly obvious.

We are not in counseling. We cannot afford it right now, and I don't think the H is even aware that he needs counseling for this. I suppose that is why I came here. I have ordered "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and "Walking on Eggshells"

[Beachbumforlife]

Hi judebug!  I'm new here too.  Wanted to say hi.

I don't know if you care about being anonymous or not, but you are putting a lot of facts that could 'out you'.   :-(

Then again, if you don't care... .  carry on.   

[Beachbumforlife]

Never mind.  Looks like one of the staff helped you out.   

[mamachelle]

Hi again judebug,

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of anger right now and I'm sorry it seems like you are the only one who can see the problems and is willing to deal with them at this point... .  I am sure it is really frustrating and I am glad you are here to get some support.

In addition to the new books, please continue reading and posting on our main boards.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

You can't change how your MIL acts, or how your H responds to his parents... .  as frustrating as it is, but you can learn better ways for you to cope here at bpdfamily.com.

Looking forward to seeing more of your story on our main boards.

Best,

mamachelle

[judebug]

No worries, those weren't their real names .

I used to be very angry with the situation. Not so much anymore... .  now I tend to feel sadness and frustration.  I don't want to change the H, I just wish for his sake, he could admit what is going on. I am very thankful there are people who have gone and are going through, similar situations. At times I feel like I am the crazy one! Seeing everyone bow down to her absurd antics (and enable her) without the bat of an eyelash like it is the norm, when it's clearly not :'(

Do I post any differently on the main board than I do here?

[Beachbumforlife]

No worries, those weren't their real names .

Ha, ha, ha.  You totally got me!   .