She is way too close for comfort... another depressing bump in the road

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Soo... .  I thought I was doing so wellllll... .    Time was moving on... .   I was moving on (or so I thought). Was digging a new chick (finally feeling attracted to someone else) . New chick thinks of me only as a friend ( she didn't mean to lead me on ... . just didnt have the courage to say she wasn't interested... . )

and then this:

Last Thursday, I had a training session on the floor my exBPD works on at a different company location. So , nervous... .  but i kept telling myself... .  tunnelvision and ignore ignore ignore if it all possible. I was doing well... .  until I noticed her walking up and down two aisle's from me.  But I did not stare or fixate ... . just kept at the task at hand and from what I felt I gave off ... . hopefully there was no reaction.  Then she freaking did a fly-by !  after all the crap she put me through... .  some nerve.

Again, i maintained composure and when the session was done... .  I left (normally, I hand around and talk to some old coworkers for a quick catchup since whenever it was I spoke to em last) So I felt good... .  but just noticing her one time... .  was just well it hurt. ( I saw her from her back... . I did not see face to face)

Sort of like a black and blue mark that you poke... .  it's there... . it's fading but when u poke it 'ow'... . poke it again "ow' 

So , had a beer that night and just was like ... . kool , I made it through.

The next day a coworker passes me on org chart... .  it showed that she is now in my building 3 floors below me.  After I made a few quick calls, my worst nightmare is coming true. She took on a new position and reports to my building tomorrow morning.

I was sick to my stomach.  Totally distracted at work. It was seven months to the day that i had any contact with her. When I got home... .  I cried. And I cried hard for a good hr or so . All this ___ is coming back. All the feelings ... . the pain... . the delusion of wanting to be back with her again... .  the hatred of what she did and the hostility I have towards her current BF (one she dumped me for).

I don't get it. My mind + logic understands and yet this stupid heart of mind won't let go.

and now a complex is developing. I may never see her in the building... . but the mere fact that she is going to be working there and possibly running into both of them again ... . sickens me. I almost quit my job today... .  the fear is starting to take its toll.

Any coping mechanisms , insights to how you may have handled this situation would be greatly appreciated.

ps: kudos to oletimefeeling and clearmind's post to pearl's post. 

I am trying to fig out the hook and just like oletime, i am rarely around these boards anymore... .  but it's a family I can rely on when this crap happens.

[34broken]

Soo... .  I thought I was doing so wellllll... .    Time was moving on... .   I was moving on (or so I thought). Was digging a new chick (finally feeling attracted to someone else) . New chick thinks of me only as a friend ( she didn't mean to lead me on ... . just didnt have the courage to say she wasn't interested... . )

and then this:

Last Thursday, I had a training session on the floor my exBPD works on at a different company location. So , nervous... .  but i kept telling myself... .  tunnelvision and ignore ignore ignore if it all possible. I was doing well... .  until I noticed her walking up and down two aisle's from me.  But I did not stare or fixate ... . just kept at the task at hand and from what I felt I gave off ... . hopefully there was no reaction.  Then she freaking did a fly-by !  after all the crap she put me through... .  some nerve.

Again, i maintained composure and when the session was done... .  I left (normally, I hand around and talk to some old coworkers for a quick catchup since whenever it was I spoke to em last) So I felt good... .  but just noticing her one time... .  was just well it hurt. ( I saw her from her back... . I did not see face to face)

Sort of like a black and blue mark that you poke... .  it's there... . it's fading but when u poke it 'ow'... . poke it again "ow' 

So , had a beer that night and just was like ... . kool , I made it through.

The next day a coworker passes me on org chart... .  it showed that she is now in my building 3 floors below me.  After I made a few quick calls, my worst nightmare is coming true. She took on a new position and reports to my building tomorrow morning.

I was sick to my stomach.  Totally distracted at work. It was seven months to the day that i had any contact with her. When I got home... .  I cried. And I cried hard for a good hr or so . All this ___ is coming back. All the feelings ... . the pain... . the delusion of wanting to be back with her again... .  the hatred of what she did and the hostility I have towards her current BF (one she dumped me for).

I don't get it. My mind + logic understands and yet this stupid heart of mind won't let go.

and now a complex is developing. I may never see her in the building... . but the mere fact that she is going to be working there and possibly running into both of them again ... . sickens me. I almost quit my job today... .  the fear is starting to take its toll.

Any coping mechanisms , insights to how you may have handled this situation would be greatly appreciated.

ps: kudos to oletimefeeling and clearmind's post to pearl's post. 

I am trying to fig out the hook and just like oletime, i am rarely around these boards anymore... .  but it's a family I can rely on when this crap happens.

[Surrender]

My heart goes out to you 34broken and I can't even imagine what that would do to me in all honesty. For me I know that half of me clings to the fantasy, but the reality was far more brutal so I just keep remembering that. I have written down on sticky's some of the terrible things he said to me from his many rages... .  and the things he did to me just as a reminder of what I really had which is NOT what I want, illusion or not!

What ever it takes... .  because the ugly is what is real here. So what if I am looking at a bunch of sticky's all over my mirror it serves as a good reminder to keep me grounded because I know that my heart is right screwed up but my mind is far more rational. One day I'll take them all down because I won't need them but because my heart is COMPLETELY unreliable and twisted up in the fantasy I simply can't trust myself unless I give myself plenty of reminders as to how brutally ugly it really really was.

[Validation78]

Hey 34!

My heart goes out to you since you cannot simply maintain distance, as many of us can. I know that the thought of bumping into my stbexh makes me ill, really, and I am doing very well after almost 4 months of very LC. What I have done in the few times we do have contact is stick strictly to business. I think of it like a business meeting, and don't allow myself to get emotional. When the personal stuff was brought into the conversation, I ignored it. I refuse to allow him to see me rattled. It takes a great deal of self talk, and affirmation. I repeat many one line affirmations over and over. I practice living a healthy life, knowing that this person is not healthy, cannot enhance my life, and is nothing more than someone I have business with, period. It's hard, and I have had some very anxious moments with exposure to his influence. I can tell you though, with practice, it gets easier, it really does, and you can do it too!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[delgato]

34,


After months of lurking on these boards, I had to finally register... . partly because of your post, which really struck a chord with me.

I don't know your back-story, but I have a feeling that I already know the gist of it. 


I've been there, myself. Long story, short... . met former "somewhat-GF" w/BPD about 5 years ago as a co-worker, did the whole BPD dance, left that company for a better opportunity, the relationship blew up shortly after that... . NC on either end, save for a few contact attempts on my part early on. This was before I knew what BPD was -- and she was also the reason I discovered it online, after the fact... .  such an impact & had never seen something quite like that, that I just *had* to know what her deal was! 


Well, guess who eventually shows up at my new company, years later? Yep, she got a job there, thru a connection. Same industry, & everyone is entitled to a job, I suppose.

She blind-sided me & made 1st contact. I was guarded. We started talking for a few months, things were overall "okay," until one point I suddenly realized that she was still the same! I was getting sucked in again, & her BPD was creeping in big-time & in new/different ways.

Yadda yadda yadda... . an eventual replay of our 1st go-around, with her giving me the Silent Treatment -- and me eventually getting out of that company & into a new job. We do not communicate anymore.


Anyway, I know what it's like. And no, it was not fun for me, I'm afraid to say. From the moment she 1st made contact that 2nd go-around, I knew I was scr#wed, especially given my already-lousy work situation. We worked on the same floor, and only a few departments away. We saw each other a lot, both before & after the silent treatment. I eventually started using another entrance/exit on the other side of the building, just so I didn't have to see her all the time. What does she do? Starts "stalking" me on that side of the building. Not saying anything, & not even looking at me. For months.

Why didn't I say anything to her? Because she had fre@ked out so bad, that I was told by her superiors that she "was paranoid" & didn't want me talking to her anymore. Total bizarro world.


My job was lousy before she got there, & I was looking to get out, anyway. But I believe her arrival had hastened my departure.

I know about the complex you speak of. I also know the feeling of wanting to quit. Seems like it's a no-win situation, doesn't it. And no, it's definitely not cool knowing the whole time that she could potentially have a direct or even indirect effect on your livelihood.


Questions: How much do you like your job? How much do you like your employer? Would a transfer to another branch be possible for you?


Definitely not trying to scare you or anything, but as a realist I think it might be wise to perhaps give thought to those questions, as potential options for somewhere down the road. They may -- or may not! -- come in handy.

So, how do you handle it on a day-to-day basis? Good question, because I couldn't. But I certainly feel for you, brother.


Take solace in the fact that *you* are looking to heal!