Stepping Out of Isolation

[Diligence]

Part of my depression struggle with isolation.  I have isolated for so long that the habit is deeply ingrained.  It is easy for me to let lapse the measures I take to dismantle my wall of isolation.

For no good reason, I missed two meetings with an adult Bible study I became of member of this year.  I went last night and shared my struggle with depression and how easily I sink into isolation.

In response, several members voiced empathy, support, and stories about their own depression.  I felt accepted and understood.  I felt included as opposed to isolated.  It was a very good feeling!

I am glad that I risked being vulnerable with this group of friends that seem to be safe.  If I had stayed home last night, I would have missed out on the positive feelings that I am reflecting on.

Fellow isolationists:  how do you combat this detrimental practice?  I began isolating as a child to protect myself from emotional pain. Can I hope to ever become a former isolationist?

Warm regards!

[Mara2]

For me I started just as you did- admitting my struggles to a safe group and feeling accepted.  I'm so glad you have a group like that in your life.  They sound like good friends.

[Somewhere]

I partly stay "un"isolated . . . at least in this domain through Alanon.

Just back from the April Birthday Meeting, tonight.

I used to not really want to be part of Alanon because that meant to me that I was messed up from being around a messed up person.

Now I look at going as measure of My Value of My Program.  It is important to me, so I go.

Mrs. Somewhere -- on the other hand -- skipped her AA meeting tonight, but I am not counting.   

Reason I think that is funny is because when someone asks her about skipping meetings, she usually has to come up with some reason that I did not let her go.  Yeah, right, part of the lies.

That stuff used to bother me.  Now I get to laugh about it.  Freedom means you are free.  From worry, and keeping track, and taking blame.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello from a fellow isolationist,

(Aside: I saw this before it had replies and thought how sadly ironic it would be to get absolutely no response on this topic. Glad it didn't go that way!)

My isolation is partially tied to geography--My life has involved moving around the country a lot for the past few years. Sometimes a place I've been before, sometimes a new place, staying for 2~3 weeks or 2~3 months. This is getting exhausting, and it is keeping me from staying in touch with the sort of supportive groups you are talking about... .  sometimes I don't even find them before I move on. Mostly with my wife, but sometimes solo. It has been exhausting, and I'm expecting this summer to be more of the same, not sure about fall yet.

But that isn't my whole story--I also find myself falling into a trap--I'm feeling a bit down and lonely, and when I feel that way I don't tend to get out and see people. I make excuses why I don't fit in to large social settings (I'm kinda introverted), or don't have anybody to call up and do something with... .  or don't feel like it... .  or they aren't available.

I'm hoping to hear some good suggestions and success stories too!

[Kwamina]

Fellow isolationists:  how do you combat this detrimental practice?  I began isolating as a child to protect myself from emotional pain. Can I hope to ever become a former isolationist?

Hi Diligence,

I can really relate to this topic. Just like you I started isolating as a child and I kept on doing this as an adult. I didn't even always see it, I guess I was so used to living this way. I believe I've finally come to the point that I can start breaking free from this isolation, but it still ain't easy. What helped me was talking to a friend about my experiences. This was a very scary step but I'm glad I did take it because this friend can relate to a lot of what I'm going through and actually has many similar experiences. Me self-isolating had a lot to do with fear and the believe that this was the best way to protect myself. The best way to break free from the isolation involves taking certain risks, this is very scary but can be very rewarding.

[laelle]

My isolation is mostly caused by living in France and not being fluent in the language.  I dont really know anyone with the exception of my therapist, my esthetician, and my ex husband.

I have started school, and I make a point to go down the same street every day I go to school.  The guy at the tattoo parlor, the coffee shop, the construction workers (hot) know me a little and say hi whenever they see me.  Its nice to be noticed.  My therapist says i really have to start getting out and suggested trying to find a book club or something in Geneva.  I had contacted a gym that I am interest in and its not too expensive.  Will go there soon.  I go out to eat every Thursday at lunch at the same restaurant.  They know me and what I like.  Its nice to be accepted.

I know these are only first steps, but they are steps. 

[heartandwhole]

Diligence I really relate to your post.  Unfortunately I don't have any suggestions   because I am still isolating, somewhat, but not like when I was detaching from pwBPD.  When I am hurting, I really withdraw, and I'd like to change that if I can.  When I am feeling good, I am more social, but I just tend to need plenty of time alone, no matter what's happening in my life. 

My jobs keep me constantly exposed to different people, so that is stimulating and oftentimes enough 

I think joining that Bible study group was a fantastic idea!

heartandwhole 

[Diligence]

It is wonderful to hear from you all!  Thank you for your responses.    

Yesterday evening I attended a fundraising dinner and art show at my daughter's private high school.  After viewing the art, I walked into the dining area.  I immediately wanted to leave. 

It seemed to me that the attendees were almost exclusively couples.  My less-than feelings about where I am in life kicked in.  I did not want to sit alone and make small talk with couples to whom, I assumed, I could not relate.

I left without eating dinner.  I went home, had a nice meal, and read an enjoyable book.  I was happy with my decision to leave the fundraiser early.  I just wish I had not felt less-than the couples there.

Diligence

[Grey Kitty]

Diligence, I think you made a good choice there--that feeling of being "less-than" or unwelcome or not fitting sucks.

I find that when I'm feeling like that, I tend not to engage people well anyway. I'd rather be alone than be poor company. I just had an encounter with it last night when I met a neighbor who admitted to being already drunk and insisted on dragging me into a bar with all his friends and buying me a drink. Well, I did join him for that, but wasn't really able to connect with him or his friends well enough to have a good time... .  so I went out and took a long walk (which was what I'd gone out to do in the first place)

It was a great night for the walk... .  too bad I felt more lonely than I had on my way out ... .  My time being not-connected with people didn't help.

[Diligence]

The sense of community you all provide for me feels so good!

Grey Kitty, thank you for sharing your recent experience.  So, what made the night walk so great.  Was it the temperature, the stars, the moon, the fragrance in the air, the city-, suburb-, or rural-scape? 

I tried to join a friend at a free outdoor dance festival today.  First, I stopped by Starbucks and got a venti chai tea latte, extra hot, before I started simultaneously watching the performers and looking for my friend.  I never found her, but I enjoyed my tea, gratefully stood in my self-made shade of an umbrella, and pleasantly chatted with the person standing next to me (who was also alone).  Even though I was technically by myself, it felt good to be standing among the crowd rather than being at home alone.  When I went home, I ate a meal, read a good book, and took a nap.

Warm regards!

[Grey Kitty]

I'm in Florida right now... .  days are hot, but nights are balmy and a delightful temperature. There are certainly better places to walk than where I was (suburban, but within earshot of a busier road), but the weather was hard to beat.

I pretty much knew a loud slightly smokey sports bar wasn't really my kind of scene. An outdoor dance festival sounds much better to me. My wife and I used to do a lot of partner dancing, and we still enjoy it when we do. Next time I'm someplace long enough, I think I'll sign up for a dance class so I don't feel as rusty.

You remind me of a a great tip a friend once gave me--When you are in a crowd feeling lonely... .  look for the other lonely person to say hello to!

[Mountaineagle]

Really cool that you are taking those steps in connecting with people! I know exactly how you feel. I have been isolating myself for some months now, due to healing from the relationship. I have had an intense need for being alone. I accept this now, but there is a time for everything... . Soon I have to start making contact again, and I am a little bit afraid. I have to muster up some courage before I venture out.

For a long time I did not know why I felt uncomfortable. In this forum I learned about High Sensitivity Personality and I really fit into that label, for the first time I felt kind of "normal" since around 20% of the worlds population has that trait. Being in large groups drain me. I am somewhat ok with that, and I feel good when leaving such a situation. It usually is the best for me. The problem is the voice in me telling me what a loser I am for not being mister confident, master of the crowd. But on the other hand I know some of those, and many of them where wearing a heavy mask, and was alone with them, one to one, the mask crumbles and they got really insecure and shy. I am the other way around so one of my good sides is that I can help them back in again and have a good conversation still.

I have field tested my new knowledge of myself recently and found a great relief in accepting my high sensitivity, and leave before I get overwhelmed. Before there were a lot of "should's" in the back of my mind. But this process has opened a lot of self acceptance in me and I don't feel "guilty" for not strutting around. Not my style

On a side note I will share a personal insight I had when touring the US 2 years ago. A lot of people came randomly and just started talking to me. In my country talking is much more serious and you just don't approach people without really having something on your heart. It baffled and confused me in the beginning. Then I got an insight. I started visualizing the small conversations as an innocent energy exchange. It did not really matter what we talked about, in a way we just exchanged some energy. I would just meet that energy and respond with mine. By the time I had crossed the continent I had really started to like it. It is a really good thing about Americans, this small talk thing Although I perfer "deeper" conversations. But both have their time and place and I'm glad I learned that.         

[Diligence]

Glad to have you enter the conversation, Mountaineagle.  Welcome.

I think I must be somewhere in the middle between being an extrovert and an introvert.  When I feel confident, I enjoy being with people.  But after talking with people for a while, I fatigue.  I look forward to solitary rest to recuperate my energy.

Over the weekend I did some volunteering.  I helped facilitate an event for adults with special needs.  I mingled and spoke with the guests well for the first half of the event.  But after the halfway point I felt increasingly depleted.  Lesson learned:  I will look for something less social the next time I volunteer.

Members of the social groups I am establishing in my weekly schedule are people I hope will be  genuine about themselves.  It is uncomfortable being with someone that I suspect wears a mask, pretending to be someone that he or she is not.  I value people who are transparent about who they really are.

Ouch!  I feel convicted about what I just wrote because I wore a mask for most of my life, pretending to be well-adjusted.  But inside lay the wreckage from childhood and marriage trauma.  I am certain that I, without realizing it, rub shoulders everyday with hordes of people struggling just like I do.

Glad you had a good time crossing the U.S.A.  Where are you from?

Warm regards.

[Mountaineagle]

I guess my point was that I had to accept that I feel depleted when in crowds due to high sensitivity. And that is ok for me to feel that way. It is not a flaw. So if you feel "guilty" or inadequate for being depleted, don't judge yourself, you might be high sensitivity like me    

I have worn heavy masks myself on many occasions. Sometimes we wear the masks and sometimes the masks wears us.

I am from Norway