Healing

[swimjim]

I am having a tough time healing.I am into month 5 of no contact, except when I had to see her in court to get my restraining order dismissed. I have studied BPD and her issues but I know I have to focus on taking care of myself. I find that I am always wanting 100% confirmation that my ex has BPD. I know I am not going to get that but probably have to just accept that it is ABNORMAL behavior. Then I get in trouble with myself in thinking, maybe I am abnormal. I definitely don't want to come to that conclusion after all this pain I have gone through.

Quick question; would you agree that 1) getting pregnant on purpose to trap boyfriend into marriage 2) give me marriage ultimatum after 6 months 3) filing a false restraining order at the end, would constitute possible BPD traits ? I just picked the three main events, otherwise the list would be long inbetween. I feel that if I can come to the conclusion that it is very likely so she is BPD, that I can get some seblence of closure that  Iwas not going to get from her. She definitely does not have empathy and does not take responsibility. In her moving forward with her life, with all the guys she can chose to start a new relationship with, she choses my best friend who she only met once in 3 years. The only time she met him during our relationship is when she had to help me drag him into his own house because he had passed out from drinking an was sick. That was her FIRST IMPRESSION of him and now she has dumped me for him. Go figure. The only reason she filed a restraining order against me was because I finally bought her the ring she always wanted. Anyway, if anyone can at least encourage me that she has BPD traits,  that will make me realize that no matter what I would have done, she would have left me anyway. That will help me move forward. Thank you.   

[Clearmind]

I am always wanting 100% confirmation that my ex has BPD. I know I am not going to get that but probably have to just accept that it is ABNORMAL behavior. Then I get in trouble with myself in thinking, maybe I am abnormal. I definitely don't want to come to that conclusion after all this pain I have gone through.

It’s likely you and she both have some issues to work through swimjim.

We want a diagnoses so we stop self blaming.

Quick question; would you agree that 1) getting pregnant on purpose to trap boyfriend into marriage 2) give me marriage ultimatum after 6 months 3) filing a false restraining order at the end, would constitute possible BPD traits ?

Certainly may constitute some abandonment issues. I wouldn’t suggest these were healthy thoughts – would you?

I just picked the three main events, otherwise the list would be long inbetween. I feel that if I can come to the conclusion that it is very likely so she is BPD, that I can get some seblence of closure that  Iwas not going to get from her. She definitely does not have empathy and does not take responsibility.

You will not get closure from her. Swimjim, we make concentrated efforts to find out whether they are BPD instead of looking at the behaviors.

Would you really want to build a life with a woman who tries to trap you, jump over you to get to your friend and files a restraining order? She has shown to be a person who has little moral or ethical code – why do you feel you deserve a woman who shows you such little respect?

Are you seeing a therapist?

[swimjim]

Thank you Clearmind for your response. I know that I have issues and I am in therapy for them. I am a people pleaser and codependent. My self confidence is shattered from this experience. I am trying to work on my issues. My biggest guilt is not getting her the ring sooner but my gut instinct said dont do it. I tried to get her to go to therapy with me while we were dating but she would not go. She said the only problem we have is that there was NO RING ON HER FINGER. In one of the BPD articles I read, If you succumb to the nagging of marrying her, then it is having a baby, then remodeling the house, then a new car, then a new house, etc... .  until you finally realize it is just that they always want to hold something over you. She has moved on to my ex best friend and she views me as beneath her and a failure in her eyes when there was a time she thought so highly of me. This is the point where I need to work on myself. I want my self confidence back and I don't want to keep harboring this huge guilt around.

[VeryFree]

Does labeling her really is going to make you feel better?

What is the difference? With BPD her behaviour towards you wasn't the behaviour you wanted. Without BPD her behaviour towards you wasn't the behaviour you wanted.

Giving our SOx a label is maybe making it easier on ourselves to put the blame on them. At first that sounds legitimate and I felt like that too. In the end it doesn't matter wether they are BPd or just irritating persons. In the end it does matter why you were in that r/s. Why you let these things happen to you. Why you didn't move forward. You're T certainly is going to help you with that.

Look at yourself, not at her. Look at your future, not at her past. Take care.

[swimjim]

I understand that I need to get away from the label and focus on the behaviors. She always said that the "RING" was our only problem. I was always so uneasy about her desperate feeling on this issue.  She said I was perfect. Now I have been discarded. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I want to get to a better mindset that  I am better off without her. Does anyone else believe that the ring would not have been enough in the long run for her and it would have been constant cycle of discontent on her part? Sorry so many questions. I don't have therapy until late next week and I want to have a good mental attitude going into the weekend. I appreciate your feedback.

[swimjim]

Swimjim here again. I feel bad for posting so much today to try to get any kind of feedback. It is just a bad day. THe weather is nice and I have to find a way to take care of myself. My withdrawal from the addictive relationship is tougher on days like today than others.It is too bad that the ex can't reflect back and realize that they may miss us. They can just shut us out like it was no big deal. She can replace me so easily when she wanted to get married so badly. I am not even ready to date until I get my head on straight. Can anyone here give me any words of encouragement?

[VeryFree]

Hi Swimjim

A r/s isn't about a ring.

A r/s is about caring for each other in the broadest sense of this word: love en be loved, taking care and been taken care of, give and take, listen and talk, do and let, surprise and be surprised, give presents and recieve presents, do your own things and let her do her own things. Imho THAT is what a r/s about.

You will have to ask yourself the question if this was your r/s. If not, if it was about a ring, if it was about doing her wishes, than you know the answer to the question if you're better of without her... .  

It's hard to see your past blown away, it's hard to see your SO dump you like garbage, it's hard to see your SO go on with her life like nothing has happened and like you were nothing to her. While we thought we meant the world to her... .  

But then again: is this about her, or is this about us? Were our thoughts about the r/s realistic? If not: why did we have those thoughts?

My advice: try to look at what happenen in your r/s. Try to see the big picture.

But mostly: take care of yourself. You're not a bad person for not giving a ring!

 

[imstronghere2]

Thank you Clearmind for your response. I know that I have issues and I am in therapy for them. I am a people pleaser and codependent. My self confidence is shattered from this experience. I am trying to work on my issues. My biggest guilt is not getting her the ring sooner but my gut instinct said dont do it. I tried to get her to go to therapy with me while we were dating but she would not go. She said the only problem we have is that there was NO RING ON HER FINGER. In one of the BPD articles I read, If you succumb to the nagging of marrying her, then it is having a baby, then remodeling the house, then a new car, then a new house, etc... .  until you finally realize it is just that they always want to hold something over you. She has moved on to my ex best friend and she views me as beneath her and a failure in her eyes when there was a time she thought so highly of me. This is the point where I need to work on myself. I want my self confidence back and I don't want to keep harboring this huge guilt around.

You are doing all the right things.  You're seeing a therapist.  You've acknowledged some issues you have that aren't good for you - codependency specifically and you're working on that and you've come here to the forum to find more help.  All of that will help you recover from what you've gone through.

Accept what you cannot change.  You did not cause her issues.  You cannot fix her and you cannot change her so you must work on just letting it all go.

I did succumb to marrying mine.  Was married for 19 years and everything you stated about what would happen is true.  In the end, nothing was enough and I suffered basically the same fate as you.  Dropped on my head with no empathy, betrayed and abandoned.  So consider yourself VERY fortunate you experienced the inevitable early before you invested any more of your life.  Keep learning everything you can and pick yourself up off that mat of despair.  You were working hard to make her happy.  A mentally healthy woman recognizes that and appreciates your efforts.  If she is truly BPD, she will never, ever be happy with anyone or anything for any significant length of time.  You can be if you try but you must accept what you cannot change.  You'll get there.  Your ex best friend has no idea what's heading his way.  Don't envy him in the slightest.  Your value isn't determined by her.  She is not the keeper of your happiness or self worth.  You are.

Stay strong.