looking for opinions quick

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I picked the boys up today at school. S14 is having two tests tomorrow. The court order says I am to return the boys around 9 pm.

I sent an email to xBPDw asking if the boys can sleep over tonight so I can spend more time helping S14 with his prep for tomorrow. Ex replied saying she already had plans with the boys. When I picked the boys up they both told me mom was working tonight and there was going to be a sitter at her place. I sent an email pointing out the facts and asked again.

My question, would you let ex know the boys will be sleeping over tonight and just go with that or would you drop them off at 9 pm ?

I am going back to court soon to get more time for various reasons. One reason is that I am helping them with over 90% of their homework and they are with me on Monday and Thursday. I have it all documented.

[david]

I picked the boys up today at school. S14 is having two tests tomorrow. The court order says I am to return the boys around 9 pm.

I sent an email to xBPDw asking if the boys can sleep over tonight so I can spend more time helping S14 with his prep for tomorrow. Ex replied saying she already had plans with the boys. When I picked the boys up they both told me mom was working tonight and there was going to be a sitter at her place. I sent an email pointing out the facts and asked again.

My question, would you let ex know the boys will be sleeping over tonight and just go with that or would you drop them off at 9 pm ?

I am going back to court soon to get more time for various reasons. One reason is that I am helping them with over 90% of their homework and they are with me on Monday and Thursday. I have it all documented.

[mamachelle]

david,

sorry this is not so quick.

Were you able to resolve this? I am a little confused as to what you want to do, but I would not keep the boys overnight unless all agree to it.

mamachelle

[david]

I dropped the boys off but at a later time. Mom was not there but there was a sitter.

What I was thinking of doing was to send an email explaining that the boys would be sleeping over and I would drop them off at school in the morning. I've done this numerous times in the past but it was when we had an agreement in email. When I do this S9 is in bed by 9pm and I have some time with S14 to go over school things with him.

Our court order states that I am to return the boys by 8 pm on Thursday. We agreed in the beginning of the school year that we would change it to 9pm. With S14 having two tests the next day I wanted to help him. He has no support from his mom. In fact she rarely helps S9 with his school work and when she does it usually is incorrect ? I have all this documented.

S14 has been struggling in school. I am a school teacher and, given some more time, I am sure I can help him. He calls me when at his mom's but it isn't the same as being there.

[mamachelle]

I sent an email to xBPDw asking if the boys can sleep over tonight so I can spend more time helping S14 with his prep for tomorrow. Ex replied saying she already had plans with the boys. When I picked the boys up they both told me mom was working tonight and there was going to be a sitter at her place. I sent an email pointing out the facts and asked again.

I would document that she had a sitter and no plans with the boys. Eesh... . ?

It's so good your son is able to ask for and accept help without getting frustrated.

It sounds like they are better off with you with the homework ... .  and if Mom is paying sitters on school nights then she could use your help ... .  but wants the control.

mamachelle

[Matt]

I think if you do what you believe is best for the kids, and if you communicate in good faith - like an e-mail telling the other parent what you are doing and why - you probably don't have much to worry about.

If she asks for some extra time to "even things up" - like if the kids stay an extra night with you, then they can stay one extra night with her - you shouldn't fight about that.  If she doesn't ask for that, and later complains about what you did, you can show that she didn't ask for another night to make up for it, and that should be that.