Fly on the Wall.

[HostNoMore]

Circumstances have been both strange and charmed for me lately.  I have not had anything happen to rattle me in my BPD recovery process in a long time.   

A random combination of events occurred where upon I obtained and listened to a recording of my exBPDgf and her exH having a last ditch conversation prior to their divorce and almost a month before I was ensnared by her.  I listened to the entire recording with an utterly sterile detachment on my part a fly on the wall.  I feel contaminated by the experience, yet also validated.  I innocently happened upon it through a strange combination with no malice on my part.  I’m glad a long time has passed for me as I would have been highly triggered by the experience in the early part of my recovery process, yet triggered I was.  I can only share a vague outline of what I heard for obvious reasons, but it was very chilling.  I share it for what it is.

What did I hear?  I heard a man passionately begging to be taken back into her life for the good of their children.  I heard a sincere man that literally groveled and promised to change his entire life in order to please her.  A man who swore to give her everything that she wanted and what was best for their children.  She was colder to him than the most distant reaches of our solar system in the few snarling words that she deigned to utter to him. He was a man at the end of his rope.  She was a stone.

What does this say about us? What does it say about them?

As for me, I will permanently destroy this intrusion.  I am a stronger man for the whole experience and the grass has nearly covered the path for me now.  The accumulation of the years of hell that he spent with her was intensely imprinted into his voice.  I feel very much for him as I had a small taste of what hurt him so badly.  I feel pity for her current host as he is up to his neck in it.  I feel validated for myself as it was she not me.  I am free.

Time will fix us though it does not seem that way in the beginning is what I have learned along with it really is them.

[delgato]

Pretty wild. Also must have been a little creepy... .  

I probably would have been a little triggered by it, as well.


On some levels, it does feel good to know that others have had similar experiences with a particular pwBPD. Gives us some perspective & better grounding.


That said, is it really *all* them? Takes two to tango, methinks.

Once I've gotten some distance (I've been thru this a few times, lucky me), I like to look at it as a vehicle & opportunity for one's own personal healing & growth. Stuff that we've probably been ignoring in ourselves for a long time?


P.S. Keep in mind that flies can sometimes find themselves accidently trapped in a spider's web.

[Validation78]

Very interesting host! I agree that being validated is a very healing thing. I know it has been for me via a diagnosis from our CT and seeing emails (those shared with me by my stbx) from his exwife and exgf. When I saw the words abusive, and anger used, in the same manner I would now describe, it sent a shiver up my spine. The worst part for me was seeing these things after I was already married, and just starting to notice the BPD behaviors!

Also, Delgato, very wise words regarding our onus in these dysfunctional relationships. We may have been duped to some extent, however, we likely added some dysfunction to the mix as well. Therein lies, as you aptly state Del, the key to healing ourselves, and an opportunity to address "something" in ourselves that may lead to better relationships in the future!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[HostNoMore]

Delgato, you nailed it a most strange experience.

It was very, very creepy plus extremely boring to listen to too.  I had to force myself to sit through it.

It was done by her, and she was closer to the microphone than he was.  I think she was trying to trap him into saying something she could use against him, but he was too savvy to let her do that.  He also made some allusions in the conversation at certain points of the aberrant behaviors on her part, and how it hurts their kids.  The coldness of her voice tone reminded me of how exactly she sounded when she terminated me.

It was also smoking gun evidence that she had lied about him to me for many, many years.  In fact, he personally provided me with the very first red flag about her that I chose to ignore about seven years before she and I got involved.  Basically, I knew a little about what I was getting into when I entered this toxic relationship, yet I did not know the true extent of it until I tasted it myself.

It does take two to play the part each with a particular role.  However, the borderline always has the upper hand as they know in advance where the final destination lies.  They are experts at what they do.  We have the advantage of not having a personality disorder that is the enigma among the entire spectrum of PD's(IMHO).  In other words, I can actually comprehend the other PDs in a logical manner.

Being the fly trapped in her web is very nice analogy.  Yes, the lessons she taught me about myself are more valuable than gold too.  I'm sure time has helped him too.  

It's almost akin to having been involved in a laboratory experiment kind of a feeling to it after I've slept on it.