Mom with BPD and CHF

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So I have been reading some of the posts over the last little bit, my GFs counselor suggested this site. I can say it is nice to see I am not alone in the way I feel and the challenges. I apologize if this post gets a little rambly 

My mom is an undiagnosed BPD. My GFs counselor and two that I have seen in the past few months concur that she has this. After reading through the posts, I think the best thing I have found is about the FOG. My problem is I don’t know how to break out of it, and take some control of my life. And if I am lucky, by the end of the day I will not have lost my GF of over a year because of me not being able to break away from my mom’ s control and manipulation. She has been beyond patient with me around this, and it has taken me months to even get to the point to admit that there is something wrong with my mom.

I am 38 years old, and this is really my first serious relationship. And that it has been a disaster maybe for another post. My mom has not handled it well, refuses to accept her, hates is not a strong enough word, the last blow out, this Thursday, we had my mom and I, she told me she is supposedly working with her counselor to get a POA or living will that will not allow my GF near her when she is sick or in the hospital because she is convinced that my GF will do something to “speed her along”.  I did not even have a response to that.

At this last blow out, she told me how much I have changed in the last year, a story I have heard many times from her, even attacking the therapy I am in as changing me as well. She said I am basically a terrible person with no kindness or compassion for her anymore. Reminded me again that I caused, because of the stress of my relationship with my GF, the heart attack she had in June of last year. That is always fun to hear. And that she doesn’t know if she can live with me anymore because I am not a good person.

I live with my mom. She relies solely upon me for emotional, physical, and financial support. She cannot afford the house we are in if I were to leave. My extended family lives in another state, and my youngest brother (I am the oldest) just left us before last Christmas, he had had enough. So I am really it for her, there is no one else. She has not succeeded in making friends here, she has alienated the neighbors.  The reason the FOG is effective on me is that 3 years ago she had a massive heart attack; I was in the ER when this happened. At that point she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, she is still able to manage on her own, no oxygen yet or 24 hour care, mostly it is emotional.  So it has been a long 3 years, the last month she has been in the hospital 4 times for different reasons.

The guilt and fear I operate out of is so strong, I was supposed to stay at my GFs house last night, and I ended up in the hospital with my mom, but I was already cancelling again on my GF before the hospital because my mom is so sick, diagnosed with bronchitis and is very weak.

I don’t know how to break out of the FOG, deal with my guilt and fear, which I understand comes from my mom, reconcile that with the fact she is a terminal patient. I just don’t know that I have the strength to do it. After this last month, first time I have had to do hospital and deal with her dogs (her dogs are her life) by myself I just don’t have the strength, feel so emotionally weak. To create the boundaries. Coupled again with my feelings of obligation because of her diagnosis. I am going out today with my GF, but I know that there will be guilt and mean things thrown at me, and it will be hard for me to leave her when she is struggling with the bronchitis.

How do I do this? It just seems impossible, I am reminded all the time by her that she dying and doesn’t have much time, and that just adds to the guilt and fear to leave her.

Thanks 

[Mountain75]

So I have been reading some of the posts over the last little bit, my GFs counselor suggested this site. I can say it is nice to see I am not alone in the way I feel and the challenges. I apologize if this post gets a little rambly 

My mom is an undiagnosed BPD. My GFs counselor and two that I have seen in the past few months concur that she has this. After reading through the posts, I think the best thing I have found is about the FOG. My problem is I don’t know how to break out of it, and take some control of my life. And if I am lucky, by the end of the day I will not have lost my GF of over a year because of me not being able to break away from my mom’ s control and manipulation. She has been beyond patient with me around this, and it has taken me months to even get to the point to admit that there is something wrong with my mom.

I am 38 years old, and this is really my first serious relationship. And that it has been a disaster maybe for another post. My mom has not handled it well, refuses to accept her, hates is not a strong enough word, the last blow out, this Thursday, we had my mom and I, she told me she is supposedly working with her counselor to get a POA or living will that will not allow my GF near her when she is sick or in the hospital because she is convinced that my GF will do something to “speed her along”.  I did not even have a response to that.

At this last blow out, she told me how much I have changed in the last year, a story I have heard many times from her, even attacking the therapy I am in as changing me as well. She said I am basically a terrible person with no kindness or compassion for her anymore. Reminded me again that I caused, because of the stress of my relationship with my GF, the heart attack she had in June of last year. That is always fun to hear. And that she doesn’t know if she can live with me anymore because I am not a good person.

I live with my mom. She relies solely upon me for emotional, physical, and financial support. She cannot afford the house we are in if I were to leave. My extended family lives in another state, and my youngest brother (I am the oldest) just left us before last Christmas, he had had enough. So I am really it for her, there is no one else. She has not succeeded in making friends here, she has alienated the neighbors.  The reason the FOG is effective on me is that 3 years ago she had a massive heart attack; I was in the ER when this happened. At that point she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, she is still able to manage on her own, no oxygen yet or 24 hour care, mostly it is emotional.  So it has been a long 3 years, the last month she has been in the hospital 4 times for different reasons.

The guilt and fear I operate out of is so strong, I was supposed to stay at my GFs house last night, and I ended up in the hospital with my mom, but I was already cancelling again on my GF before the hospital because my mom is so sick, diagnosed with bronchitis and is very weak.

I don’t know how to break out of the FOG, deal with my guilt and fear, which I understand comes from my mom, reconcile that with the fact she is a terminal patient. I just don’t know that I have the strength to do it. After this last month, first time I have had to do hospital and deal with her dogs (her dogs are her life) by myself I just don’t have the strength, feel so emotionally weak. To create the boundaries. Coupled again with my feelings of obligation because of her diagnosis. I am going out today with my GF, but I know that there will be guilt and mean things thrown at me, and it will be hard for me to leave her when she is struggling with the bronchitis.

How do I do this? It just seems impossible, I am reminded all the time by her that she dying and doesn’t have much time, and that just adds to the guilt and fear to leave her.

Thanks 

[Kwamina]

Hi Mountain75!  

I understand how this must be very difficult for ya. I've lived with my uBPD mother for nearly 30 years, 20 years mostly alone with her so I can relate to how hard this is. Something that helps me is reminding myself that I'm not a little kid anymore and that my mother really isn't as powerful as she wants me to believe. The reality is that as they get older, our parents actually need us more than we need them. The hateful remarks can be very hurtful but try to keep telling yourself that there's something wrong with her and not with you. Try not to take the things she says personally, they're just a reflection of her inner chaos.

Looking at my own experiences I've seen how manipulative BPD's can be. They use anything they can to get you to do what they want, even use their illness and sometimes even fake illness. However, everything can't be about them and you are entitled to have a life of your own and receive the love of other people like your girlfriend. BPD mom's are often very jealous, they see their children as possessions, basically as extensions of themselves. They have no respect for boundaries, but you shouldn't accept that, just keep setting boundaries and enforcing them whenever she crosses them. There are several resources on this site that can help you with setting boundaries.