help for the codependent

[jedicloak]

Hi,

I react physically to judgment, criticism, hard looks, in[url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] (real or perceived). I am learning boundaries and beginning to practice using them. But I have a learned reaction to this for 40 years! My stomach tightens, I feel anxious/nervous and I physically feel terrible and it intrudes on my thoughts.

Yes, I can remove myself from the offender; yes I can not engage in futility; yes I can go for a walk or listen to music... .  but for me, the damage is done. It happens in an instant - my stomach hurts and I can feel myself amp up internally.

Has anyone had success learning how NOT to react? I would love to know what I can do besides take a Xanax and go for a walk.

Thank you.

[jedicloak]

Quick update. I had a positive experience just now. My BPDw just called and was trying to get me to "fix" her feelings of rejection and sadness - even though she doesn't recognize that is what she is doing. Anyway, I remembered the things I'm learning here and at Alanon and that is I am NOT responsible for how you feel... .  I was honest and yet kind. I acknowledged how she feels, but it is NOT for me to say whatever she wants to hear if it leads me to be less than honest. So I did it. I told her I was very sorry she was upset. I said what I said with ME in mind, not making her feel better and I feel GREAT about that. I'm not happy she's upset at all... .  but I also realize, it's not my job/ability to make her feel better.

Would love feedback - this BRAND NEW for me.

Thanks.

[doubleAries]

hi jedicloak,

I think it has to do with finding our sense of self again. And understanding that boundaries are for protecting our values--not getting the other person to act the way we want them to. Like anything else, it requires practise. I have 48 years of ingrained automatic behavior patterns too!

This article is very useful BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

doubleAries

[arabella]

I think not reacting is a matter of training. At least I hope it is and that I get better at it (I think it's working). I use positive self-affirmations whenever I get triggered. Self-validation in my own head. So, yes, I talk to myself. Does it stop the bad feelings? No. But it does distract me a little and it does take the edge off that bite. And I feel the next bite just a tiny bit less... .  Have you tried meditation? Not in the moment (although that could work too if you can find some space) but just day-to-day? I am finding that grounding myself and teaching myself how I want to be and how I want to react is helping me to actually be more that way. Slow process, but "a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."

[doubleAries]

Actually, this is THE best article I've ever read about emotional memory and changing our behavior patterns. It is outstanding!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;topicseen

[daze]

Yes, outstanding article.  Thank you for sharing, Double Aries.

[Cordelia]

Very interesting article!  I liked the advice about ruining a file for yourself by repetition - that if you're worried about something, rather than trying to repress the feeling, just wallow in it for 15 minutes a day, totally get it out of your system.  It echoes something from cognitive behavioral therapy too - that really letting irrational fears or thoughts play themselves out often leads to seeing for yourself just what they are like.  I found it very healing to indulge consciously for the first time in the hopes that I would have a lovely close relationship with my mother.  I was always pushing this feelings away because I knew it led to more pain, but I acted on the desire anyway, subconsciously, because it was so powerful.  One day I finally let myself just dream freely about what that would be like - the meaningful conversations we'd have, how she would come to visit me and really enjoy exploring my world and the things I liked to do, how loved I would feel... .  it made me realize these feelings were not wrong or weak or monstrous but normal and acceptable.  And now I don't act subconsciously on these feelings anymore... .  when they come up, I give myself some space to feel the longing for a different reality, and send some love to the childlike part of me that craves those things, and I don't return to the interaction with my mom until I've dealt with this sadness from the past.  When the feelings first came up, they were so powerful and had been repressed for so long, it threw me for a loop for like a month.  I was distracted and sad for weeks.  Now I can go through the process of feeling and mourning this loss in an hour or so, at most an afternoon.  It's really true that the more you ignore feelings, the more powerful they become. 

I think a lot of codependency is unwillingness to face your own feelings, and using others' bad behavior as an excuse to avoid acknowledging who you really are and what you really want.  It's not about caring or not caring about their feelings.  When I was the most dependent on my mother, I cared about her feelings the least, because I was really only interested in having my own needs met.  It's only since I've detached from her that I've been able to see her as an independent person with her own challenges and goals for personal growth which I can respect, even when they conflict with hopes I had for our relationship. 

[zaqsert]

Hi jedicloak,

This is pretty new to me too, and I too was amazed at how good it feels.

I agree with doubleAries that it has to do with finding our sense of self again.  I think part of this is recognizing and enforcing our own boundaries.

For me it was also understanding BPD.  My uBPDw's reactions then made more sense (if that can be said of BPD), it helped me realize that they had more to do with her stuff than mine, and it helped me finally to stop making things worse.  The latter is because I tend to need to know 'why' if I am going to do something.  So, for example, our marital T kept telling me not to try to justify or explain (now I know it as JADE).  Most everyone else I know can deal with this, so it didn't make sense to me until more recently.

There are still times when I come out of a discussion with my wife feeling anywhere from uneasy to pit-in-my-stomach bad.  More often than not, it is because I allowed one of my boundaries to get trampled on, so the feeling can serve as a good warning sign.

I used to get that pit-in-my-stomach in other situations too, like making a significant mistake at work.  Interestingly, I've started to notice that I am able to handle these events at work a whole lot better too.

Arabella, you mentioned meditation.  Is there anything in particular that you've liked?  I bought and downloaded a beginners guide to mindfulness by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  Now I just need to actually listen to it.

[ScarletOlive]

Hi jedicloak,

One good thing you can do is breathe deeply-in through your nose 4 seconds, out through your mouth 4 seconds. After 10 reps, the tightness should be relieved. There's some other great relaxation techniques for anxiety here: www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm

Good for you for recognizing what is your responsibility vs hers.  Keep it up!

[arabella]

Arabella, you mentioned meditation.  Is there anything in particular that you've liked?  I bought and downloaded a beginners guide to mindfulness by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  Now I just need to actually listen to it.

I have tried a few more 'formal' styles over the years, but apparently I lack dedication. I find very often that taking a lot of time for something like this makes me anxious (quite the paradox) so I have been enjoying the 15 minutes of meditation time before and after my hot yoga classes (yoga is new for me too). I find lying there in the hot room, focusing on my breathing, to be very calming.

Not meditation, but sometimes I take a 10-15 minute break in my day to grab all of my loose strings of thoughts and corral them into order on paper. I find I am able to let a lot go this way and it quells quite a bit of anxiety - even if I don't actually do anything with it. I look at old lists and often I'm able to see how things have resolved since then, I find that very calming, to know that my worries tend to be temporary.

I've also listened to a few talks by Thich Nhat Hanh online (try here: www.tnhaudio.org/) as I am going about my other business around the house. Usually Zen Buddhism is a little hardcore for me, but I like TNH quite a bit - I'm trying to decide which of his books to start with (open to suggestions if someone has an opinion)!

[zaqsert]

Thanks, Arabella!

Jedicloak, you had asked about the lessons, such as JADE.  Take a look at the lessons on the staying board (other boards too, for that matter, depending on where you are and what you need).  They are always on the right-hand panel and also in the LESSONS thread at the top of the discussion list.  The whole series of lessons can be very helpful.  If you haven't already, I highly recommend working through them.

The ones that I was referring to in an earlier post included validation to help my wife feel that I was hearing her and learning not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain).  When someone misinterprets what I say or how I feel, I tend to explain it in different words.  With a lot of people this has worked fine.  But with my wife, she is more likely to perceive it as invalidation and an attack on what she feels, especially when she is feeling heightened emotions about something.

Referring back to your original thread, the lessons overall have helped me to react less, both emotionally and physically, when I feel judged, criticized, get hard looks / hostility / silent treatment, or invalidated.  They have helped me focus on myself and feel better about myself.  In turn this has made me more stable, not only for myself but also for my family.