Calling all StepMoms...

[SpottedDog]

I'm hew here, just wanted to say hello.  I'm a stepmom of 2 years to a nearly 13-year-old boy whom my husband has 50/50 with. We also suspect biomom has undiagnosed BPD and  SS is fitting a lot of the baseline criteria himself, as well.  We are at a crisis point with him - he was sent back to his mother earlier this week as his behavior become so amped up it became unsafe here.  He is currently seeing a behaviorist, and mom and dad are meeting with him this afternoon to discuss further treatment options for him, before he comes back here at all. Currently, my husband has become estranged from his son.  With a lot of help from his mom.  It is interesting the relationship forged between mom and son and I'm fascinated by any pathology that may develop here.  My reading about adult and child BPD is very overwhelming, but it's all I can do since I have no control or say over this child. I'm frightened when he is in my home, and I am concerned for his current and future well-being. 

SS and I have never had any kind of relationship at all in the two years of marriage.  It all very sad, frustrating, and consuming. And, where do I, where can I, fit in, with a stepchild with BPD signs?  I feel estranged in my own home when SS is here and it greatly affects the marriage and the dynamics with the other children when they are here.  He sucks the air out of the entire home when he is here.  The other two children, older daughters, seem well-adjusted and are doing well.

I welcome any support and information.Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hi SpottedDog,  

And  Welcome to this board!

It can be so confusing and frightening to deal with this illness.      

You are in the right place, there is a number of step-moms here. Each of us has a different situation, yet there are so many similarities!

You can find support on this board and also some very useful tools and information that helps coping with this difficult illness... .  

This might be a good place to start:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0;wap2

I am in the step-mom relationship to my grown step-daughter with BPD. And as I find from our situation and that of some others, it is not uncommon to have a difficulty making a connection with our step-child who has BPD. And you are right - we have even less control over the situation than their natural parents. Which is frustrating in and of itself.

I personally find my place to fit in, in trying to create peace and structure (mainly through boundaries and validation), and provide support for my other family members who are all affected by our daughter's behaviors, while trying to include her. I do my best to learn as much as I can about this illness and help support my husband in his dealing with her (he appreciates my input as I am better able to see things objectively).

It could put a strain on our marital relationship if we did not invest enough time in trying to understand and validate each others' experience and work through the issues with our daughter/step-daughter.

Maybe in the future, as time goes on, and I am able to apply more of the new skills, I hope to be able to make a new, real connection with my step-daughter. But it will also depend on her, so I am open to it, but I do not dwell on it for now. I had to go through my own process of grieving the r/s that I hoped for with her, and that is sufficient for now... .  

You are still in the tender years of forging your new blended family. Times like these are always trying for all of the family members involved. One with a possible emerging BPD can both: have an extremely hard time adjusting AND create a lot of additional stress.

Sending you a   as you are in a difficult spot.

Welcome again, looking forward to reading your posts, SpottedDog

[mamachelle]

Hey Spotted Dog,

We met on the new member board, but I just wanted to welcome you here!   

Stepmom or not, your voice is still important in your house. Your SS may be living with you more in the future, right now is just temporary.

You may be the only parent to your SS even looking into ways to help him seriously ... .  so your role is important as an advocate and also into informing your DH on choices he can make in your SS care. In my case, I am the most informed parent... .  my SS live with us 90% of the time and BPD BioMom is pretty clueless as to how to help her sons. She also lives across the country... .  DH trusts me to give him the right information.

Let us know how it goes with the behaviorist.

We are here for you. Many of us have dealt with similar issues with our kids.

mamachelle

[Thursday]

Hi Spotted Dog,

I am step mom to dBPDSD. She is 21, will soon be 22. I got involved with her Dad (my husband) when she was 14. Her Mom passed away, I believe the long illness her Mom suffered and her resultant death is the biggest cause for SD's issues but also believe there is a strong genetic component (she has an uncle (my husband's brother) who is likely BPD and there is a strong component of alcoholism and drug abuse in both sides of her Family of Origin.) My SD also began showing signs of OCD and ADHD as a youngster, even before her Mom was diagnosed. Her Mom was very ill for about five years (SD's ages- 7-12)

I can certainly empathize with you as concerns the estrangement you feel in your home when your SS is around. It is important that you do what you can to make sure your home is respected, that your boundaries are maintained. In my situation, I always found it best to have my husband enforce the rules in the home but it was so difficult to find the place to start... .  we saw a need to ease into the situation... .  

However, if I had it to do over, I would have asserted my boundaries much earlier. I experienced trampled boundaries very early on, while we were still dating (and we were long distance for almost two years). I now see that any gray area with her is exploited by her. The first time she came to visit, while her Dad and I ran a quick errand, she went into my bedroom and went through my closet, trying on my clothes and throwing them on my bedroom floor. I cringe to remember that I simply put them back on the hangers and said nothing to either of them. It would have been much better in the long run to confront this and to spell out the rules and to spell out consequences for the next time this might happen.

Do you have any kids of your own? How do the siblings get along with the BPDSS?

Please share, it can be such a help. I'm not the only step-mom here and I've felt welcomed here. I feel that my position as step-mom gives me a unique perspective and this viewpoint has helped her Dad to see their enmeshment more clearly... .  which is important since he is her only surviving parent. I encourage you to give us more of your story.

Thursday