I just walk away and try to not even HEAR what he says

[SuzyQ33]

I too got into the relationship at a very young, naive time in my life, being childhood sweethearts and getting married after our studies.  My soon to be ex NBPD husband has twisted my reality from the time I was 14 years old!  I only recently discovered that he does not have bipolar, but rather narcissistic borderline personality disorder!  And that after soo many councelling sessions and therapists - I had to discover it for myself... .  he has not been diagnosed yet, and probably never will be after all these years.

I was at one point so angry at myself for allowing the emotional and verbal abuse, but also realized that at no point in time does anyone ever do what they think is the "wrong" thing to do - you usually do the best you can, with what you know, in the place/situation you are in... .  

I have disconnected emotionally from him, quite naturally, I think for the past year or so, and I refuse to play any games, or let him upset me - I just walk away and let him rant and rave on his own. Yes this sometimes worsens the outbursts, but I try to stay unaffected, and try to not even HEAR what he says.

I realized that he has the problem (many problems) and while I am able to see him "from a distance" now, I actually feel very sorry for the pain he is in, wishing I could help him but knowing I cannot. 

The question I have, being in a (soon to be ex-)marriage now for 18 years and seeing what it is doing to my two teen daughters, why am I not angry?  Is it not worse to not be angry?  I feel resentment sometimes, and as I am busy with my exit plan at the moment, I see the urgent NEED to get away, and I feel angry at myself sometimes, but my anger towards him is only felt as pain and indignity... .  

Is there not something wrong with that?  Is anger not exactly there to "save" you from the situation so that you can be moved to act and protect yourself/loved ones... .  

And is the amount of anger not supposed to be related to the amount of pain you feel... .  so that people who do feel anger can feel that much relief as well?  (A kind of all is fair in love and ... .  BPD?)

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