Meddling/"positive" stalking

[XL]

I was sort of bracing myself for a phone call. Then I realized something bizarre, and now I'm too fed up to call. BPDm is stalking some of my project websites, I can tell because of my stat monitoring. It is not a small number of hits, and it is definitely from her. It actually screwed up my statistics tracking. So weirded out. I'm tired of having a clingy, weird person shadowing every single dumb little thing I do just to have a conversation topic. She was way over interested last time I spoke to her, and now I see why. She's involving herself in things that don't involve her, digging for things to draw me closer.

She stalks me. She stalks me when she's angry and stalks me more when she's not. Again, I had to have the locks changed once because of her, and once threatened a restraining order. There is a history of actual, criminal stalking. I think that's why this is so triggering.

I also had a cousin confront me this morning about how she'd called to try to fix her up with someone who is totally inappropriate in age/interests/distance. I pulled a ", not my problem" on that.

Tired of the batty gossip/meddling/stalking/manic over-interest in other people's lives.   

[XL]

I feel like I can't do anything in this world without someone noticing. Like I'm under constant surveillance. It's suffocating.

[GeekyGirl]

If the websites are public, you can't stop her from looking at them. Is it creepy? Sure. Is it bothering you enough that you should change the website access or remove them? That's up to you.

Do you think your mother is doing this to have a conversation topic, or is following your projects serving her in some other way? Does she get gratification from your work? Is it possible that she's doing this as a way of connecting with you?

What are you comfortable with for your mother knowing about you and what's off-limits or private?

[XL]

The sites are so hilariously boring and bland. Anyone can look at it.

It's that whole "panicked need for attachment when others aren't around" thing. It's just sad she's so desperate for attachment/access to me that she's stalking a dumb ecommerce website. But then it's like ":)id I have any typos or something stupid on there?"

My whole life I felt like I couldn't take a step without my actions being over analyzed as emotional "ammo" or be reported back as family gossip.

The stalking upsets me. She actually does stalk people (exes, people she doesn't like, etc) online and calls it "research". And conversational hints would have me believe she's actively stalked people in real life before. Like "I saw your father's car was there, but he wasn't home" when she has no business in that neighborhood. Stuff like that. She also used to show up at my house and work unannounced in early college to the point that my roommates were getting mad at me.

[XL]

I am soo uncomfortable with this. My assessment was correct. She's now buying things off my ecommerce auction site (at a huge markup, plus payment fees and a loss on shipping costs) so I'll have to ship mail to her. She doesn't have a job, and is spending another family member's money. I don't know what to do. This is madness.

Why is there not an emoticon for smashing my head into a wall?

[GeekyGirl]

I am soo uncomfortable with this. My assessment was correct. She's now buying things off my ecommerce auction site (at a huge markup, plus payment fees and a loss on shipping costs) so I'll have to ship mail to her. She doesn't have a job, and is spending another family member's money. I don't know what to do. This is madness.

It sounds like there's no way to stop her from spending the money, and if an enabling relative is giving her money to spend, that's something that the relative is choosing to do.

It's madness for sure, but is it the invasion of privacy or the spending that's triggering? If you can't remove the ecommerce auction site, knowing that your mother may continue to do this, how can you protect yourself?

[nomom4me]

XL, could our mothers be twins?

I know how you feel, if it was just checking in or showing support it would be OK.  With someone who has a history of escalating and pushing boundaries it IS scary.

If it was my mom buying stuff of say... .  an Ebay page I set up, I'd worry that she would start leaving strange feedback - that can impact future sales.  It's not like asking them not to leave feedback would be effective.

My advice is to give her no reaction, send the item - no personal note, no special treatment and be as neutral as possible. If she brings it up in conversation give a bland response and change the subject.

With my mother I can only hope that if she gets reaction no from her online shenanigans from me she will move on to bothering someone who will engage with her crazy.

[XL]

This seems trivial, but there are multiple things triggering me here.

The online stalking of everything related to me is creepy and annoying. Then there's the impulsive shopping. Find out she spent waaaay too much money for another family member, and this is a way of getting more stuff on credit. It's also a reason to call me. She's called me 4 times now to discuss this. A way to order me around, demanding how and when I mail it, if I'm dressed and out of bed yet.

And the creepiest thing which has always enraged me, is that she hoards my belongings. Any art project from school, and clothes I used to own, etc, end up being some creepy memorial to me. A lot of these things were just dumb assignments I never liked and didn't try hard on. Then she parades them around as a conversation topic. It's way beyond "I'm proud of my kid and I'm putting a small thing on the fridge!" I have been the target of multiple rage attacks for trying to reclaim access to my own art, usually ending in "You're so horrible now, this is the only memory I have of you when you were nice!"

I shred a lot of my artwork so no one else gets it.

[XL]

All my life she's been trying to own me, and own all of the objects of my labor, dictate conditions on how I interact with society. I feel like there's a roadblock between me and the real world, where she swoops in a steals everything I do for herself before anyone else sees it.

[GeekyGirl]

The online stalking of everything related to me is creepy and annoying. Then there's the impulsive shopping. Find out she spent waaaay too much money for another family member, and this is a way of getting more stuff on credit. It's also a reason to call me. She's called me 4 times now to discuss this. A way to order me around, demanding how and when I mail it, if I'm dressed and out of bed yet.

And the creepiest thing which has always enraged me, is that she hoards my belongings. Any art project from school, and clothes I used to own, etc, end up being some creepy memorial to me. A lot of these things were just dumb assignments I never liked and didn't try hard on. Then she parades them around as a conversation topic. It's way beyond "I'm proud of my kid and I'm putting a small thing on the fridge!" I have been the target of multiple rage attacks for trying to reclaim access to my own art, usually ending in "You're so horrible now, this is the only memory I have of you when you were nice!"

I shred a lot of my artwork so no one else gets it.

It's not trivial. Your mother seems to get a lot of her identity from you, and that has to be very upsetting. My mother does that somewhat, and it's annoying.

As much as it stinks, you can count on her continuing to try to take credit for your work and get as much into it as she can. That's just who she is and she's not going to change.  All you can do (for your own sanity) is work on not letting it trigger you.

I agree with nomom4me--send her what she ordered with no special treatment, just like you would any other customer. If she calls and asks you to send it ASAP, you can remind her that you have a regular shipping/processing system and she should expect to see it in [insert number range] days. After ordering through the website as a regular customer, she should be treated as a regular customer.

I have been the target of multiple rage attacks for trying to reclaim access to my own art, usually ending in "You're so horrible now, this is the only memory I have of you when you were nice!"

I shred a lot of my artwork so no one else gets it.

It sounds like your art means a lot to you. Is there some other way you can protect it?

[Kwamina]

This seems trivial, but there are multiple things triggering me here.

The online stalking of everything related to me is creepy and annoying. Then there's the impulsive shopping. Find out she spent waaaay too much money for another family member, and this is a way of getting more stuff on credit. It's also a reason to call me. She's called me 4 times now to discuss this. A way to order me around, demanding how and when I mail it, if I'm dressed and out of bed yet.

Hi XL,

The situation you describe doesn't sound trivial to me at all. I'm very sorry that your mother is doing these things. It seems like people with BPD always find new ways to interfere with their adult children’s lives. Just reading about your mother’s behavior gives me a very unpleasant feeling, so I can only imagine what this must be like for you. I think you’ve been given some great advice to handle these situations. The advice by nomom4me is very helpful I believe. Not getting emotional when responding to her can be difficult but I agree this probably is the best way to handle these specific situations with your mother. Calmly telling her about your standard shipping/processing system like GeekyGirl said can also be very helpful. You never know how your mother will react, but she shouldn’t get any preferential treatment. I hope you’ll find a way to stay emotionally balanced and deal with this annoying behavior of your mother.  

[XL]

This is like, the dumbest thing ever. Now she's really, really, really into what I'm doing on my little ecommerce thing, and has declared she's going to make a copy-cat version for herself. It's not going to be profitable. Ugggggh. I need to set this straight. I do this as a hobby, and she's thinking it's a new "career" and has not only stopped job hunting, but has now started compulsively shopping for this. She's also neglecting a lot of *serious, important things which need more urgent attention* and choosing to manically focus on just this.

I wanted to delete my hobby project site, but I decided it's better cover for things I'm really working on. I'd rather talk with her about Ebay than my real life. Again though, I'm hiding behind a dummy life to deflect attention from my real interests.