deciding whether or not to uninvite my mother to child's graduation

[kjjl]

My husband and I are struggling with should we allow my mother to attend our children's graduations or not. We have one graduating from college and one from high school. We have already invited both my parents and they say they are coming.

I struggle with the kids' feelings and more with how my son would react. He is close to my mom.  My mom attempted suicide 4 months ago.  She does not know if she wants a relationship with my husband and I (we are triggers for her for some reason). My mother only seems to want to come around unless it's an event for one of our kids. The kids are 24, 21 and 18. This angers us as we feel we are being treated like crap from her. We have questions and need to express how we felt about the day she attempted suicide (my husband and I found her unconcious). We feel like she is dictating when we get our needs met. Is sucking it up and having her come to the events compromise what we need? 

Any suggestions? 

Thanks

[GeekyGirl]

What do the kids say? I don't blame you for not wanting your mother to be at the graduation ceremonies, but if it would mean a lot to your kids to have her there, I'd leave things as they are. What you could do is have her attend the ceremonies with you and do something with your kids privately afterward.

It sounds like you have some real concerns from her suicide attempt that you need to discuss with your mother. When do you think would be the best time/way to talk to her?

[kjjl]

Thanks, GeekyGirl.  We haven't talked to the kids about what we are thinking, but you confirmed what we were thinking tonight that we know for sure it will be important to my son that she be there and we should let it go for now. I had dinner with my dad last night to ask if they even want a relationship with us because we have been feeling alienated from them. My dad wants one, but understandably he says he walks on egg shells with my mom and is just trying to survive. He said he wouldn't speak for my mom, but could tell me that she wasn't ready to do family therapy and didn't know when or if she would ever want a relationship with us. He's confused, we are all confused.

I agree, there are unresolved questions and issues we need to ask my mom. I wrote a long letter to her last night, but not sure if I will send it quite yet. I think soon I will ask her one simple question whether or not she wants a relationship with us.

[jdtm]

I wrote a long letter to her last night

Please re-consider sending this letter - it will only be used against you (no matter how carefully you word each sentence).  If you really want to send a letter, then write a letter with that one sentence - "do you want a relationship with us?" - anything else would be misconstrued.   And congratulations to the graduates ... .  

[kjjl]

Thank you. I didn't think of that... .  you are probably right on the reaction she would give.  It did feel good to write everything down though and I recommend that to anyone. 

I appreciate all the support!