He can't detach from the ex

[mary_sunshine]

Here's a question. Is it common for a BPD to remain unhealthily enmeshed with an ex-spouse, many years after divorce, even with no children involved and when he claims the ex is a mean, unreasonable, mentally unstable person? Even when he is in a new committed relationship?

When we first got together, my UBPDbf told me the sad tale of his marriage and how she cheated and then left him, how she had mental problems, would rage at him and that he was actually relieved when she left. Yet he has ties to her (a cooperative business arrangement) that he refuses to break (from which only she benefits) and because of this he spends time with her. He knows I hate it because the situation is not healthy and she upsets him regularly, and also why the heck is he hanging on to her? I don't want her influence in our lives. But more importantly, she caused him so much pain and I don't think he'll ever let that go until he lets her go completely.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[charred]

It is common for pwBPD to maintain relations with people from their past. It is common for them to drive people away from them with their disorder, and it is common for them to blame everyone but themselves for whatever happened, and to lie about some or even most of what they say about old relationships. The disorder seems to make it critical to them that they be in a r/s, so they have a feeling of having a "self"... . but the cycles of idealizing, clinging and hating... .  drive sane/healthy people away from them and promote abusive relations with anyone that stays.

There can be a bit of codependency in a r/s with a pwBPD, you might read up on it a bit and see if that is what it sounds like with your UBPDbf.

I would take the claims that his ex is mean, unreasonable and unstable... .  with a grain of salt, till you know for sure, as my exBPDgf painted her ex's black (said one was retarded another beat her... .  and that she had a kid with the retarded one... . I met him, and he was normal, just reminded me of Pres. Bush... . but no more retarded than GW.) It is common for pwBPD to project their own problems on others, so he may well be mean, unreasonable and unstable. Good luck, at this point if I knew someone I was getting in to an r/s with was BPD... .  I would bail, but some stay... .  Good luck.

[Vindi]

you have to decide of you are accepting of him, seeing the ex for the business arragement... .  and how long will he see her for this

arrangement... .  years?

As long as you are trustworthy and don't mind this... .  otherwise let him know how you feel and set some boundaries if needed.

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks for the replies. I have let him in know in no uncertain terms that I am not okay with it, and it needs to change. But I have problem in that when I attempt to set boundaries, he accuses me of making an ultimatum. I don't see it that way, because I have never threatened to leave him (although he has left me several times).

Is voicing the things that I find inappropriate and unacceptable an untimatum?

[charred]

The boundaries as ultimatums thing has come up in other topics. Unfortunately, pwBPD don't respect boundaries, and you need to enforce them, which is hard to do without it becoming an ultimatum.

There is a new set of resources you can check out;

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a104.htm

Hope it helps.

[Siamese Rescue]

I wasted 7 years of my life with him while he asked me to stay and made empty promises about getting his ex out of the business they shared. He said she was maniacal, manipulative, evil, etc. I will admit she is histrionic. The business collapsed a year ago and guess what ? Now he has to stay involved with her because of some piece of small real estate that she put her name on years ago when she lent him money. There's always an excuse. Always. They were never married and have no kids. He and I recently broke up because my anger and suspicion got the best of me and I just went overboard with it. I too was charged with offering him only conditional love because I wouldn't tolerate his recycled relationship with her as "friends" ... .  He cheated w her for years behind my back. No I'm not going to trust you with her, sorry. So I got the ax, despite years of "I love you not her, it's just this one more thing and then she's gone"  I've wasted a lot of time.

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks, Charred! I will check out the link.

SR, I am so sorry that happened to you! Try not to dwell on the time you lost, but be grateful he set you free and focus on the future. It sounds like a terrible ordeal and you are lucky to have escaped it. I know it's not easy to see it that way, but from any other point of view (besides being in it) it is clear that you are so much better off.

I tend to get jealous, not because I think there is anything romantic or sexual between them, but because I feel like pleasing a person he's been divorced from for years, and doing what she wants is more important than my feelings and the problems it causes to our relationship.  That infuriates me, and I feel like I cannot express that because it would make it seem like I don't trust him or am insecure. When I have talked about it, he has been in agreement with me but made no action to change things. Other times, he has been very defensive, and said he could never be mean to her (in his mind, if he doesn't stay enmeshed and do everything she wants, he is being "mean". I really never know what to expect.

[sadeyes]

My pwBPD does not maintain an actual relationship, but cannot let go. I moved in with him, and the house is full of photos (including nudes) spread out in drawers closets etc. This has been a big problem for us, as I don't like it. I have asked him to put it all in a box in the attic, top of a close whatever and it causes WW3. He claims I want it in one place , so I can trash it all. I just don't want it in our daily life.

[Zena321]

Mary Sunshine not sure if this is helpful or not but my H who has ben living with his GF 4 years together 4 and a half in a house owned by both of us. We still talk on the phone see one another every 5 or 6 months no romantic stuff at all . I'm not sure but I would feel horrible if I were her still married , we have no kids together(he has told me in the past he didn't want to divorce me ,he never wanted to get married again) our only tie now is that house my best bet in my situation he is afraid of having to split equity in the house and have to give me even a dime he never has since he left 7 years ago,and if we got divorced she may push for marriage?

I believe he truly is very much detached from me though maybe in your case it is a money thing too ?

[mary_sunshine]

Sadeyes, I would be very upset by the photos too. It's totally inappropriate to hang onto that stuff and have it spread all over the house! Your request to have it all in one box is more than reasonable. But... .  of course a BPD individual can find a sinister motive for just about anything. Sorry you're going through this.

[mary_sunshine]

Zena321, thanks for an entirely different perspective on this. Yes, it really does help! There is definitely money considerations and just his desire not to have to restructure his arrangement at the heart of this. Still, I feel like I should be worth the trouble because the situation is upsetting and it is hurtful to him as well.