I realize this is probably a futile post and I'm just venting over something that likely has no logical explanation.
I've read a lot about so-called "crazy making" behavior, but I can't for the life of me understand/reconcile some events that happened in the relationship with my BPD exgf. They were the emotional equivalent of being clubbed over the head out of the blue.
About three months into the relationship, her final semester of grad school started (two weeknight classes and a weekend class) along with tax season beginning at her workplace (she was an accountant that worked for a medium-sized accounting firm). She warned me previously that was was dreading this time because she knew she'd "get crazy". How right she was.
For the previous three months, we had been spending every weekend with each other - along with holidays and even some weeknights after work. But once school/tax season started, she warned me that this would change, as she'd be working until midnight or beyond every night, then working on school assignments on her other days. I told her not to worry, that I'd adapt and we'd make something work; and I certainly wasn't going to give her a hard time about it. I am a people pleaser, after all. She seemed genuinely grateful and even gave me a key to her apartment.
Our first weekend of school/tax season was kind of a bummer, as we didn't talk much, but we did end up having dinner together late on Sunday night. I was so happy to see her, even if it was for a few hours. I even slept over and got up at 5:00 to make the hour drive back home, shower, change, and leave for work by 7. We were going to make it through this!
The next weekend, however, gave me a bit of a shock. Again, we didn't talk much until Sunday when she texted sporadically as she was in the middle of writing a paper. We made plans to, again, have dinner late Sunday night. I even went shopping to bring her some fresh groceries as I knew she had no time to do so. As the day progressed, her enthusiasm of seeing me later seemed to wane. Until finally, at 7 or so in the evening, she sent a rather curt text telling me it wouldn't be a good idea for me to come up, as one of her cats was sick and peeing all over the apartment (something I had already known about from the past; the cat was not in good shape) while she still needed to finish her paper and wouldn't be able to get anything done if I were there. I was bummed, but didn't tell her as not to make her feel bad - after all, she was stressed out enough (though I certainly sent her some sweet, supportive texts).
So I decided to go out with my friend and grab dinner. After dinner, we were enjoying a few beers and I decided to text her to see how her night was going. I was surprised when she almost immediately texted me back and told me how horrible things were. She was also very worried about her sick cat, but mainly that she'd have no time to take it to the vet, as she worked ridiculously long hours or was in school. I texted back and offered to shift some clients around (I own a small business) and come up one afternoon and take her cat to the vet while she was at work. Her response (which I will never, ever forget)? "Yeah, I'm not looking for a handout." It only got worse from there. I told her that I just wanted to help. She said "I don't need an assistant. If you want to see me, then come to see me, not run errands for me". Being the CD type, I immediately apologized for "overstepping" and reiterated that I just wanted to help. I was crushed. Honestly, I just wanted to help her out. She actually kept digging at me a bit, though I rationalized it all away with "well, she's stressed and in a bad mood... . ". I did, however, ask my friend as to what he thought about her response and he was... . well, shall we say, not so kind, and had some choice words.
Push-pull seemed to be her motto. I remember another time when she mentioned possibly being home early one evening, depending on how her paper writing went and whether or not she decided to visit her mother that evening. I excitedly offered to come up, if she didn't go to see her mother, and bring dinner, etc. After not hearing from her for hours, she sent me a text saying that she was stressed and still working on the paper at her school's library, but that she was not seeing her mother that evening. Reading this, I wrote back something to the effect of "Aww! I'm so sorry you're still working and stressed. Why don't you just keep working on your paper and I won't bother you for the rest of the night
, along with some other loving words of encouragement." Her response? She accused me of contradicting myself, by saying I wanted to see her, and now "back tracking". She also wrote ":)on't be a martyr, it's not that deep". Again, I was floored. But I decided it must've been a stress-induced misunderstanding. So I called her up. She absolutely laid into me. She accused me of wanting a wife/mother figure along with other things. Very nasty, terse, accusatory tone. I finally managed to calm her down, but the whole time, my heart was racing and my gut was saying "what the heck?". This was also not the first such misunderstanding regarding plans. Try as I might, I could never make sense out of these. Making plans with her began to give me anxiety. It was as if she wanted me to want to see her no matter what (which was the case!), but she wanted the right to shoot me down depending on her mood.
Then there was the silent treatment. After tax season ended, I found that she was much less stressed (whew), so our schedule began to normalize and I'd come and spend the weekends with her and such. One day, she mentioned having bought three new summer dresses and wanted me to tell her which was my favorite. So she tried them all on and they all looked great on her, which I told her, but I did also mention which was my favorite. Her response, again, would floor me. "Ugh! I know I look cute in all of them! So why did you pick out the one that makes me look like a frumpy librarian?". I was honestly speechless. She then proceeded to sit on the couch and give me the silent treatment for the next few hours. In fact, I forget how it ended, but it was downright scary while it was happening.
Then there was the time she came home from class one Saturday and mentioned that she "needed to talk about some things". She mentioned that things were "going too fast for her" and that she just "wanted somebody to date, not to marry". She brought up a "friend with benefits" that she had in the past and how whenever she was stressed, she'd go over to his place and he'd make her dinner and help her with her homework. She mentioned that I was "taking advantage of her" by "making her cook for me" (she loved to cook - something I don't do - and we'd often plan out our meals together)/ This hurt. I was coming up to her apartment every night during tax season bringing food and cleaning up, taking care of the cats, and making sure she had a warm, cozy, clean place to come home to. Then I'd sleep over (we usually didn't even have sex as she was too tired, and I NEVER pressed the issue, as I tried to be as accommodating as possible) and leave at 5 in the morning, but not before turning on the coffee maker and writing a little love/encouragement note to place along side it.
Then there was the other cat incident. Her mother had one of my ex's cats living at her apartment. My ex already had three in hers and felt it was too much. However, her mom could no longer take care of the cat she had living with her, as he was older and not in the best shape. So my ex once asked me if I'd take the cat - after hearing that I was considering getting a new cat of my own. It started out as a sweet plea "C'moonn. Please? He's a really good cat!", then went into the gradual crazier "I'll break up with you if you don't take the cat!" to the outright insane: we were driving home from her mother's apartment when my ex says to me "If you get a new cat, I'll strangle it while you sleep". It was twisted, but I figured she was just being "weird", so I laughed and said "c'mon, I know you're an animal lover - besides, you love cats. You could never do that." Her response? "Then you don't know me very well". But it gets better. When we got back to her place, there was much awkward silence as we prepared to go to bed. She kept baiting me to fight over the cat. I even said to her "This is silly! I don't want to fight over this". Her response was to smirk, snicker and call me a "f****t". I calmly got up and went to sleep on the couch in the living room. A few minutes later, she came out crying and hugging me, profusely apologizing and claiming "I'm so sorry. I know you'd never do something like that to me. I'm sorry, I turned into my sister there." - without ever fully explaining what she meant by that.
The last, and arguably most important such event that I'll share also happened during her busy period of school/tax season. I was sleeping over one weeknight and didn't need to be at work until 9 the next morning, so I "slept" in with her, which ended up in a morning "quickie" of sorts. It was the first time we had made love in a while, on account of her crazy schedule and stress level. One of the greatest aspects of our sex life was that we almost always had mutual orgasms at the same time. It was unreal and I've never had - prior or since - that happen before. In fact, she often complimented my ability to make her have such intense, often multiple orgasms. Well, she did not have an orgasm that morning. I went to write her a love note as I would do every morning, and specifically addressed that - apologizing for it and promising to "more than make it up" to her". We emailed a few times throughout the day, mostly talking about some summer concerts we wanted to go to, with not a mention of that morning. Then, as I was finishing up with a client much later in the day, at around 5 pm, I get a curt text from her: "Yeah, so this morning pretty much p****d me off!". I was taken aback, but I immediately apologized. But the attack came in blitzkrieg form, with such phrases as "Maybe we should be apart for a while", "You made me feel like a prostitute", "I don't want you around when you're like that" (?). I calmly but firmly reiterated my apology, though she mocked the note I had left her. Then I became far more assertive and told her that I'm not into these kinds of attacks and if she wanted to discuss this over the phone, I'd be more than willing to. Her response? "Right. Should've broken up before". Again, I was in shock.
Do normal people act like this?
My response was to go completely NC, despite many calls and nasty texts on her part - I just figured things were kind of over, though I was bewildered by what just happened. A few days later, she showed up at my house in a very sexy outfit "dressed to impress" to tell me off and bring me a bag of my stuff that I had left at her place. She accused me of cheating on her, of not "fighting for the relationship" by ignoring her calls/texts and of having "broken the rules", thus she could never trust me again. Then she stormed off in her car where her best friend was waiting.
The punchline? After about a week, she showed up at my house again, this time with a meek, apologetic smile on her face, asking if I wanted to go for a ride and talk. We made up and I was back in the fray. Just like a recycle vacuum.
