What is REAL?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My UBPDSO tells me he is sorry a million times after his outbursts. He says he is 100% to blame and that he is broken. But the next time we fight, he drags out all the past issues which he had previously apologized for, and flips them to try and prove how they really were MY fault, or that I caused him to get upset. He will contradict everything I say regarding his admission of fault, and insist on dragging out old emails from 6 months ago, just to show as evidence. He acts like he is a lawyer defending a case in a court of law. Except that his arguments are circular and usually make no sense whatsoever.

He uses blanket, generic apologies to smooth over our fights every time, without ever really addressing his mistakes or retracting the exact hurtful statements or explaining why he said them or taking them back. So that nothing is ever truly resolved. Saying you're "sorry" without acknowledging WHY you're sorry, what you feel bad about, or what you wish you had done differently... .  doesn't really mean ANYTHING. It's empty words.

[mary_sunshine]

My UBPDSO tells me he is sorry a million times after his outbursts. He says he is 100% to blame and that he is broken. But the next time we fight, he drags out all the past issues which he had previously apologized for, and flips them to try and prove how they really were MY fault, or that I caused him to get upset. He will contradict everything I say regarding his admission of fault, and insist on dragging out old emails from 6 months ago, just to show as evidence. He acts like he is a lawyer defending a case in a court of law. Except that his arguments are circular and usually make no sense whatsoever.

He uses blanket, generic apologies to smooth over our fights every time, without ever really addressing his mistakes or retracting the exact hurtful statements or explaining why he said them or taking them back. So that nothing is ever truly resolved. Saying you're "sorry" without acknowledging WHY you're sorry, what you feel bad about, or what you wish you had done differently... .  doesn't really mean ANYTHING. It's empty words.

[alembic]

Saying you're "sorry" without acknowledging WHY you're sorry, what you feel bad about, or what you wish you had done differently... .  doesn't really mean ANYTHING. It's empty words.

Yeah.  It's very, very rare to get a 'sorry' from my wife.  And then, if you do get one, that's exactly what you get. One word - 'Sorry'.  That's it.

No explanation of why she was wrong, what she has learned from the experience, how she's going to avoid doing the same sort of thing in future.  It is as though the word 'sorry' has magical powers all of its own, and is entirely sufficient, and that you expecting anything more from her is just unreasonable.

I think the problem is that she knows rationally that one should apologize and say sorry when one has done something wrong.  But she doesn't feel sorry inside.  So the apology comes across as hollow.

[MockingbirdHL]

I just can't bear the thought that the good times weren't real. It's the only thing I have to cling to right now; that when he finally calms himself he will remember those times and realize I'm not the root of all evil (if he ever does) and comes home to me. I just hate not knowing how long that will take - sometimes it's a matter of hours. Sometimes days.  Sometimes weeks and even months. I feel like my life has been permanently put on hold.

Because he works out of town our friends (other couples) have NO IDEA that anything is ever wrong. We see them once a month or so and if he's in his dark place, we cancel with an excuse. They're my friends that have become his friends through association. I hang out with them without him, but he doesn't see them without me. So they will not believe this if I told them; the way he thinks, acts etc.

People truly have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

[mary_sunshine]

Yes, it is the worst feeling to know how much you are putting into a relationship and feel like the good parts were not really good, or all your caring and loving really had no impact at all. I used to feel so happy when I received second hand reports from my bf's friends, saying how great I must be, that they'd never seen him so happy. To me, that tells me the good times were not a figment of my imagination, even though he has denied or negated a lot of them in word and deed. It is a crushing feeling though.

I had one experience when I went with him to a big party where I met a lot of his friends for the first time. We both had a great time, but when it got late and I wanted to go home, he went into a very dark place and told me he hadn't enjoyed a single minute of it, that he was only pretending to have fun. It really broke my heart, because it was something we had looked forward to for months, and I had tried so hard to make a good impression on his friends and to share a special night with him. That was the first time I realized that he was a master of rewriting history.

But, you have to remember, this disorder involves a LOT of denial. Denial of the disorder itself, among other things. And it's not such a great leap to deny happy times, especially if that is something that will make you feel awful. Sometimes I think they want to make us feel as crappy about ourselves as they feel about themselves. BPD is a very selfish disease.

Also, I have a similar situation as you regarding my friends. They have met my bf, and think he is the greatest guy in the world.  But their interactions with him are limited to when he has been on his best behavior. They have never been around him for long periods of time, and have not witnessed even one instance of unusual behavior. It is therefore very easy for them to think I am exaggerating when I mention the outbursts and the childlike tantrums. They constantly make excuses for him, and lecture me about "how men are." Say that I am too critical, etc, etc. When in fact, I walk on eggshells every day and have asked less and less of him as the months go by. My friends are my main support system, so this is especially distressing.

I feel for you. Just remember that the good times were probably just as good for him as anything could ever be... .  but he lives in a distorted unhappy world. Enjoyment does not come easily or naturally. I think negative feelings are almost always lying just beneath the surface. But your feelings are still real, and valid. And if the times were good for you, hold on to that. Don't try to get inside his head. It's incomprehensible to a healthy person.

[MockingbirdHL]

Mary _ Sunshine. Thanks for the reply. It hasn't been 24 hours since he left to "be alone" and I'm already cycling through hopeless dispair, hurt and the questioning. Why do I let him continue this behavior with me?  Why do I have to put up with this and he doesn't?  Why does he get to be hurt and negative and cruel yet I have to stay positive? 

I know I don't HAVE to stay. But I made a promise through better or worse. And that was only a year ago!  He has shifted the way he talks about the issues. Three months ago it was "you're cheating, you're lying" now instead it's "I can't trust you, I can't go on this way, it's killing me". But I also realize he's saying those things because he still thinks I've cheated or will cheat and I'm lying or have lied or will lie in the future.  Can he EVER get past that distrust he has for me?  Or will he simply move onto the next person - who won't last as long as I did because now he has another experience in his collection of "proof".

I don't have any of those answers. But we are MARRIED. at some point he has to either return to me or return to our home for his things.

[ComoLu]

I was married to mine too.  My uxBPDH never did come home or get his things.  It has been nearly 2 years now.  He screamed that he wanted a divorce over the phone and sent me an email the next day.  He also worked away from home.  He finally came back about a week after his announcement, so we could discuss the divorce.  That was the last time we talked face to face.  I forced him to deal with his stuff after I moved out, and we put the house on the market, but he left everything he decided to keep with family and friends and took nothing with him.  I have felt the same way, but my patience was rewarded in court.  He won't talk to me on the phone because he cannot control his emotions.  I feel lucky that he lives 2000 miles away, and our children are grown, but at the same time, he is more easily able to avoid facing the reality that his desertion and his behavior has created, and that isn't fair.  I am the one left hurting and trying to help everyone else in the family heal.  There is no single solution that works for everyone.  Only you can decide what is best for you.  I didn't want a divorce either, but I was left with no other option.  I keep trying to move on with my life, but he keeps hurling missiles at me from 2000 miles away.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  Make the best decisions you can for you.  I am slowly getting better, but my heart will ache for him for the rest of my life.  Of that I am sure.

[MockingbirdHL]

ComoLu - I've asked myself several times before ... . where would he go if he did move out?  I guess he has several options - his cousin bought his house and he could go there; or he could stay at the lake house.  OUR house is in my name only.  About half of the furniture and what not is mine, half is his.  I seriously doubt he would leave all that stuff to me - he has quite a sentimental connection to a lot of it.

Even though I try to understand his condition ... .  am I REALLY supposed to wait around for a week or a month or whatever until he comes back around and act like that had no effect on me or our family?  Really?  IF he returns I will say that counseling / treatment / whatever is a condition - if he won't go, then I cannot keep doing this.

That's what he said "I can't go on like this" (feeling so much distrust etc).  Its about what HE feels, even though he tries to attribute those feelings to me and my actions (or his BPD perception of my actions, I should say).

[ComoLu]

If he really wants to move out or is forced to, he will find a place.  He may have one already.  I found out lots of things about my x after he left.  He said that clearing out his 2 bdrm, 900 sq. ft. furnished apt. would be to difficult, so he had to go back.  We had to clear out a 4 bdrm., 2800 sq. ft. house to put it on the market, but he didn't find that too difficult.  I thought he cherished his things too, and most of the stuff that we had been carrying around for 30+ years went to charity or the landfill.

You don't have to wait if you don't want to.  You have to decide how you want to live.  It may be a long and difficult road.  Many of us can attest to that, but you have to decide what is best for you because he won't.  He will only worry about what is best for him.

The path will be difficult whether you decide to keep trying or not.  Even if he agrees to your conditions, he may or may not keep his word.