changing the channel

[salvia]

Hello,

I am having a rough day, so I thought I would post.  I am hoping I will feel better after sharing.

I am VLC with my BPDmother.

I have learned that she is actively attempting to communicate with my oldest son, and my oldest, dearest friend from high school (who has experienced her Witch wrath in person).

I am remembering so many times in my past when she violated my boundaries. 

I feel violated, afraid, and angry. 

I also feel ashamed that she is affecting me this way- as if feeling afraid, violated and angry means I have not become healthier, or that having these feelings somehow negates all of my progress.

I ask myself, When will I become immune to her?

I am going to think of my mind as a TV screen, which is currently showing re-runs, and I am going to change the channel.      Maybe Iron Chef is on the DVR?   

[GeekyGirl]

I love Iron Chef! Top Chef is great too.

You can be healthy and still be angry that your boundaries have been violated. In fact, that seems like a very healthy response to me! Is your son a minor? If so, I'd consider screening his e-mail. How do you think your friend responds to your mother?

I ask myself, When will I become immune to her?

There will come a point where her actions don't bother you as much. Being angry every now and then doesn't mean that you haven't made progress. It happens sometimes. Don't beat yourself up or let this stop you from growing.

I hope tomorrow's a better day for you. 

[salvia]

Thank you, GeekyGirl, for your response.

My son is 19.  I will have to figure out how to discuss my mother's illness with him, probably in terms of a discussion of what healthy boundaries and relationships look like.  I have not really talked to him about my VLC with my mother, though he has noticed it.  He is away at college.

I believe he is her "Golden" grandson, and she likely showers him with praise when she calls him and asks him to come visit her, and also cries Poor me!  I don't think he is able to see her behavior for what it is (it took me a very long time to see it myself).

I have a very unpleasant memory of one time when he was a baby. She watched him frequently because I worked.  One time when I picked him up from her house she smiled and said to me, He thinks I am his mother.    :'(

I remember I felt anxious and afraid that she would somehow take him away from me.  It was a terrible feeling to have to let her help me.  And, I didn't really know how to be a mother.  I felt lost and alone, with no one to ask for help, yet I was expected to be perfect. The only thing I knew was that I didn't want to be like her.  I needed loving support, not competition from her.

As he got older, I was always on alert when she would watch him and his younger brother.  At the time, I only knew that I was determined that she would not shame them.  I was always worried about their behavior around her, lest she turn on them as she had on me.  Now, I feel anger and resentment when I think about how her illness impacted my parenting- how it impacted my whole life, really.

My friend reacts negatively to my mother, and will not respond to my mother's current attempts at communication.  My friend has been through this same routine of my mother's many times over the years.  I'll give my mother one thing - at least in this she is consistent! My friend still vividly remembers my mother's rage.  My mother chased her down the street and away from my home one time, and threatened her to never see me again.  That was 30 years ago.

[Clearmind]

salvia, I can understand you feel angry and violated. We often feel angry and frustrated when a boundary does not change our loved ones behaviour – the point in setting a boundary is to protect you not to change someone else’s actions/behaviour. So yes your anger will not subside if you are relying on boundaries to help you feel better.

Your feelings of shame is your inner critic replaying your childhood script – a boundary will not help you move through this trying time.

We are never immune; otherwise we would be less than human. Changing the channel is like moving countries hoping it will all go away. Being an adult child of a Borderline we become accustomed to stuffing down our emotions and feeling uncomfortable with “feeling”. These feelings of blame/shame and anger will continue to resurface if we don’t treat the cause (that being: our own feelings of inadequacy/feelings of not being good enough/lack of self worth).

Mindfulness and Wisemind techniques permit us to feel and help us to see the situation for what is – removing the heightening emotions from the situation and realizing that “their” actions/behaviours it is not a personal attack on us. Right now your shame stems from self blame -rather than permitting your Mom to be who she is and allowing her to own her stuff.

It’s likely you were blamed/shamed as a child. Shame is a great emotion if used correctly – that is – to help us move through it on a conscious level – and being present rather than checking out and diving back to our childhood to manage an adult issue. Does that make sense salvia?

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind - do some google searching on wisemind and mindfulness techniques

Rethinking "don't blame the victim" - The Psychology of Victimhood .  

[skelly_bean]

I am going to think of my mind as a TV screen, which is currently showing re-runs, and I am going to change the channel.      Maybe Iron Chef is on the DVR?

I'm sorry you are feeling so intimidated Salvia, I definitely understand that cycle of feeling scared and then feeling ashamed for feeling scared. I have almost NC with my uBPD mother but when she does contact me it can turn me into an anxious mess for days.

As Clearmind mentioned, mindfulness - concentrating on the present - really helps me when my panic buttons are pushed.

This idea of changing channels is so interesting to me. My mother once asked me when I was a child what I did when I started to feel sad, and I said "I just change the channel." I actually used to visualize a large wall of televisions and I would choose something to "watch" (think about).

I think it helped me cope as a child, but as an adult - I've had to work hard not to automatically "switch" away from the painful emotions. I see that pain as my mind trying to communicate or cry out for attention, and I am finding if I ride out the emotion, let myself cry, write it out in a journal followed up by some self care (a cup of tea, a bath, meditation) then it can help the feeling pass.

Anyways, hang in there and take good care of yourself ! 

[salvia]

Hi Clearmind,

Thank you for your response, and I think I understand most of it.

What I was attempting to do by changing the channel was some kind of CBT, where when your mind pulls out a file folder of triggering thoughts, you recognize that you are being triggered, and you consciously decide to pull out a different file folder.  But, maybe I was not using the technique correctly, or perhaps that was not the appropriate technique? I am still learning. 

I am definitely uncomfortable with certian feelings. (I am working on that, too.)

And, I recognize that I struggle with fluctuating self-esteem. 

Would the correct next step (taking responisbility for my part, not behaving like a victim) be to let her know she is violating my boundaries?

Thank you for the reading suggestions.  I will read about Mindfulness and Wise Mind.

skelly_bean- Your comments (and this whole experience) make me think of something I read in Understanding the Borderline Mother, that children of BPD Waifs who are competent, successful adults are often astounded by how easily their mother can shake their self-confidence.  And, I guess I am quick to try to avoid painful feelings and emotions.  Part of me is saying to myself during this grieving/growing experience I am having, You have been sad about this long enough, or You have been angry about this long enough.  (Who knew one could cry so much!)  And the process for me goes back and forth, rather than just being a progression (which I would prefer  ).  When I take a step back, I see that I am hard on myself.  But I am working, working hard, at being my own mother, giving myself hugs when I need them, forgiving myself, letting myself just be.  Thank you for your good wishes!

[Clearmind]

If you fee violated then yes certainly a boundary needs to be set. Boundaries protect you not change her behaviour.

What are you wanting set a boundary about?

[Cordelia]

Part of me is saying to myself during this grieving/growing experience I am having, You have been sad about this long enough, or You have been angry about this long enough. 

See this is where we unfortunately start to take over where our BPD parents left off.  :-(  They told us our feelings were not acceptable, and we believed them, and still try to enforce those rules on ourselves.  What would happen if it were okay to feel sad and angry for as long as you needed to?  Being sad and angry is not the end of the world.  Who does it harm, really?  You can be angry and sad and still get to work every day, be a good friend, parent, and spouse, take care of all your responsibilities.  It's just a feeling.  It's real, and it's true, and it's there for a reason, but it's not dangerous.  It's not going to hurt you.  It may even help by letting you know that there's something in your life that needs to be addressed. 

Changing your mother's behavior would only help you feel better temporarily.  What will help over the long term is really separating from her, disentangling, figuring out what is yours and what is hers, letting go of what is hers, and taking care of what is yours to the best of your abilities.  It's hard to let go when it seems that someone has something really essential of ours - a lock on our self-esteem, the power to make us feel good and happy and strong.  But the truth is they don't have it, they only have the power to make us feel bad, and only because we let them.  We can live independent lives where we don't have to ask them for anything, lives that are full of everything we hoped for, and they can't do a damned thing about it. 

[salvia]

Hi Clearmind,

As I read what I write I fear that I am failing miserably here, but I am going to try. 

I think we set boundaries in order to protect our values.

On the spot, I would say my core values include consideration, responsibility, truthfulness, integrity.

Even as I know I cannot change her behavior, I want my mother to stop contacting my old friends from high school (I am 46), but I don't know what values am I trying to protect, other than my privacy, my right to be separate from her, to have my own life, friends, interests?  I'm not sure those are values. (I believe she is doing this because I am VLC with her.)

I want my mother to stop "extinguishing" me when I tell her I can't spend more time with her, or when I state anything that hints of, I am separate from you.

I want her to stop emailing me, using terms of endearment, immediately after telling me she doesn't want to be my mother, or that I am ungrateful, or ugly.

I want my mother to get her own life, to stop obsessing over the little girl I was, to stop focusing on me at all.  She does not have friends, she doesn't sleep, she doesn't take care of her health, she rarely leaves her house.  She has spent every dime and more, and has wrecked her car in a fit of rage.  She spends hours and hours going over and over pictures of me (very old pictures of me), old school papers, mementos, and is now contacting my old friends.  If and when I do have any contact with her, she gushes about how perfect I am, how much she loves me. I want her to acknowledge that I am NOT perfect, and I want her to love me anyway.  In reality, she doesn't even know me. She is not really even there.

At the same time, I see that my mother is very ill, and all alone.  I imagine how lonely, scared and in pain she must be. I want so much for her life to be different, for her to have a happy, healthy, rich, rewarding life.  I want her to see that even with its trials, life is good and meaningful. 

And, I see that I feel helpless.

I think I hear you say I just need to accept that this is the way it is.

I am struggling with accepting.

I know that was a lot. Thanks for listening.

[Clearmind]

Most certainly are values: consideration, responsibility, truthfulness, integrity. And yes I agree they need protecting.

We can only control what we can control - that being our reaction to what our parents do or don't do. As far as Mom getting her own life - you can protect yourself with boundaries about how much you share with her/how much contact you have. The thought process goes along the lines of - you are no longer that child you are an adult with adult privileges - you get to decide how much you engage.

Boundaries-- Planning for Boundaries

Examples of boundaries

Best phrases for setting boundaries

I can also recommend the book by Cloud and Townsend "Boundaries".

Do you feel a sense of guilt that Mom is alone, not sleeping etc. Do you then feel resentful towards her for you feeling this way? Just curious because thats how I felt.