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[mindfulmom]

Good evening!

Just came across this site when trying to figure out "what to do next." I have recently finished reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and am so grateful for the insight it has given to me. Never knew that how I felt/lived all these years was to be expected, based on my upbringing. I have this great sense of calm and clarity now, and know that I have much to work through (but have already worked through so much, too, before I read the book and was able to put a name and words to everything) with the help of others.

Not sure how much to reveal here, but I'm 45 (46 next week!), comfortable in my skin, love to laugh, a wife (coming up on 21 years in May), a mother (4 children, ages 5-12), a friend, and so much more! (I'll be browsing through the forums and updating this if necessary... .  ).  I guess I'll work backwards a bit... .  

What sent me on the search that got me here today was another interaction with my FMwBPD - my mother.

She called me this morning to gush about what a wonderful feeling she had - what a wonderful weekend get-together she'd had (her 69th birthday was last week and we had a family gathering last Saturday), how wonderful and content she felt when looking down the long table at all her daughters (my brother is in the armed forces and lives away) and their spouses and her wonderful grandchildren, how she could die happy tomorrow, what a wonderful daughter I am and how well my husband and I have raised our children, and how great she felt because she and my dad had made their last mortgage payment ever this morning. (This call came after my older two were off to school but in the at-home time before my 5yo goes to K.)

Got off the phone with her, went about my morning, posted a "congratulations to my mom and dad on making their final mortgage payment!" on FB (and what is in quotes there is exactly what I put) when doing my computer work before K dropoff, went about my afternoon errands with my youngest. Sat down to do a bit more computer work and came across a short but vitriolic email from her stating she was angry at me that I violated her privacy by posting a congratulations on FB, that paying off her mortgage is a private matter and that is why she called me to tell me about it, and don't bother to call her for a few days until she had time to calm down.

Have been limiting my interactions with her since having children (she is undependable) and even moreso recently as I have suddenly become the "bad" daughter after living most of my life as the "good" daughter.

I knew that the book might be a difficult read -- I'd had it sitting on my dresser for quite some time before reading it, but the last episode (1-2 months ago) with my mother, wherein she showed up unannounced on my porch to drop something off for the kids but as she was walking down the stairs let loose with a ":)o you remember anyone loving you or caring for you when you were in the hospital as a premature baby? Because I didn't love you. I didn't know what to do with you when you came home. I was told to 'fake it until you feel it' in therapy but I never felt it. But you are obviously a good mother who loves her kids and knows how to take care of them and nurture them, so you must have learned it from someone." drove me to read it as soon as I'd locked the door behind her.  :)evoured it.  Made myself stop reading at points in each section to really think about the writing and my situation the last 45 years.

And I'm now reading these words that I've just typed above and thinking "Holy cow, my mother sounds like a real Cruella DeVille!" But I don't feel guilt or teary; I just feel like it's very matter-of-fact truth.

And I'm amazed... .  amazed that I have managed to be a loving, caring, organized (well, at least as organized as a mom of four can be!) mother to my four. (I'm not perfect by a longshot, but I'm doing a great job in tandem with my hubby, I think.) I sought out positive male and female role models when I was growing up, so I think that has helped me immensely.

So. That's it for now. I'm looking forward to browsing the boards and moving along in the forum. I look forward to reading!

Mindfulmom  

[BioAdoptMom3]

  and  ! I am sorry you feel the need to be here, but happy  that you found us!  I have found this board to be very encouraging and supportive since I arrived here!  Our BPD patient is our 13 y/o DD, so I have no experience with a parent who has it, but there is another board here for those who have parents who suffer from the disorder.  Hope you will join in on that board too!   

[ScarletOlive]

Hi mindfulmom,

Glad to have you here but sorry for what brings you. I'm really sorry your mom said such a hurtful thing about you as a baby.   You're not alone here-many of us have parents and relatives with BPD. Good for you for reading Understanding the Borderline Mother! It's a tough read, but very worth it.

Like in that book, there's a lot of information here. This article may be a good place to start: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

How much contact do you have with your mother now? Are any of your siblings in contact with her? Keep posting-I know you will fit in here. Take care. Sending you much caring and support.

[mindfulmom]

How much contact do you have with your mother now? Are any of your siblings in contact with her?

Oh, she and my dad live a mile away. There used to be a lot of contact because she would bring drama to me, but I set boundaries there, so no regular phone calls. I call weekly to check in on them because they're 69 and 73, but I rarely receive a call back -- only when she's emotionally "up."  Contact at present is when she is "up" and calls, or when she shows up somewhere she knows I will be (school parking lot), or when we plan something (family get together with sibs).

I'm the only one in our family, I think, who knows Mom is uBPD. The other sibs attribute her behavior to her "just being Mom" without knowing/understanding what lies beneath. (I am the oldest; others are 39, 35, and 27.)

Brother is in the Navy so has contact only as he chooses, based on deployment and work. No idea how much contact my sisters have with her, since we had an argument while on vacation last year and I have set boundaries there, too. If it is as it used to be, my one sister sees my parents when she is emotionally "up" and has time in her schedule, although that may have changed because I can see that her role with my Mom has changed from "bad" child to "good" child.  My other sister sees them regularly because she will ignore all negatives "for the sake of the family."

I've already learned so much here. I'm working on SET and some other things I have read, because I have to have a conversation with Mom about this week. (She brought my dad and just showed up here this morning... .  sneaky, bringing my dad... .  and D6yo and S5yo saw them before I knew they were here, so I couldn't head them off and set boundaries before the kids were already excited that "grandpa and grandma are here!", given the events of earlier in the week).

So. I'm even more glad that I'm, here, now.