Alcohol instead of cutting...

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, posted on the newbie area a few weeks ago.  Read a lot of material but am still feeling exasperated?  I don't know, my 23 yo BPD daughter (must be an abbreviation) has been drinking for quite some time to excess.  I have talked to her and tried to get her to pick another coping mechanism.  This week she came home late very very drunk rambling about something that happened to her in a taxi but I couldn't figure out what she was saying.  The next day however she told me that she drinks to not cut.  She also asked me what was wrong with her because she was feeling so empty the next day.  I talked to a ew ppl on this site who advised me not to mention Borderline PD to her.  She is not in counselling, she has never before thought there was anything wrong despite cutting since she was a teenager and two suicide attempts.  I was a little hopeful for a minute but now today, two days post drunkeness, she is unbearably irritable, irrational and angry with no insight.  I am so sad, I feel like I did this to her, I was such a poor mother when she was younger, myself being 18 when I had her.  I just want to give her something to read, something from someone who is like her.  Anyway, thanks for the ears... .  

[librajenn]

Hi, posted on the newbie area a few weeks ago.  Read a lot of material but am still feeling exasperated?  I don't know, my 23 yo BPD daughter (must be an abbreviation) has been drinking for quite some time to excess.  I have talked to her and tried to get her to pick another coping mechanism.  This week she came home late very very drunk rambling about something that happened to her in a taxi but I couldn't figure out what she was saying.  The next day however she told me that she drinks to not cut.  She also asked me what was wrong with her because she was feeling so empty the next day.  I talked to a ew ppl on this site who advised me not to mention Borderline PD to her.  She is not in counselling, she has never before thought there was anything wrong despite cutting since she was a teenager and two suicide attempts.  I was a little hopeful for a minute but now today, two days post drunkeness, she is unbearably irritable, irrational and angry with no insight.  I am so sad, I feel like I did this to her, I was such a poor mother when she was younger, myself being 18 when I had her.  I just want to give her something to read, something from someone who is like her.  Anyway, thanks for the ears... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, librajenn     and   

I haven't read this book, but I've read on this website that "Get Me Out of Here" by Rachel Reiland is a book that describes BPD and the journey to mental health from a sufferer's viewpoint. Someone here probably knows more than me and will most likely chime in here to let you know 

I'm so sorry your daughter--and you--are having to deal with all of this... .  my BPDs36 also has dealt with substance abuse and suicidal tendencies, along with BPD and many other mental health issues. Has your daughter ever been in a Substance Abuse Rehab? Hospitalized for suicidal reasons? I ask this because my son has been in and out of conventional rehab twice, done Outpaitient Therapy and Psych Therapy, and it wasn't until he finally was accepted into a 21-day inpatient Dual Diagnosis (which he just completed in the beginning of April, 2013) where he was at last also diagnosed with BPD, that he is on the real road to recovery. The DD Program sent him home with this website listed in the discharge papers, and I read everything I could to help him. It helped   

I learned here how to communicate with him so that I didn't push all his BPD buttons (which I actually never knew existed till I learned about it here), and I learned about Neurofeedback Therapy being included with his recovery treatment... .  Today he goes to his 6th session of NFT, and I cannot tell you how much it has helped him    Along with his continuing OPT and PT, he finally has the tools he needs to move on into mental health. I'm not saying this will work for everyone; he is a Low Functioning BPD who is VERY motivated to get better; he cannot live any sort of normal life without treatment, so he is willing to do what he has to, to live his best life.

I've been reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger, ant that is a great book for family members of pwBPD. I plan to get "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr, because so many people posting to these boards recommend it. Maybe this is a start for you and your daughter? There are MANY Articles, Videos, Workshops and threads on the message boards that were invaluable to me to get to where we are right now, and I recommend them very highly to you, for your own sanity and your daughter's possible treatment and recovery. You are NOT a bad mother; you did the best you could with her at a vulnerable time in your life, and just being here shows that you have her best interests at heart. I'm glad to meet you, and wish you all the best... .  

[jellibeans]

overcoming BPD by valerie porr is like the bible to me... .  if you get one book get that one and read... .  don't waste your time and energy blaming yourself... .  you are not to blame. You are a good mama that has done the best you can, Now do some reading and educate yourself. There is hope for your dd and hope for you too. We are here for you... .  stay strong!  

[pessim-optimist]

Hi librajenn,



The emotional cycles of our children w/BPD can be so depressing, can't they?

It's ok, you did your best trying to be a mom, when you were young... .  If you have made some mistakes, the best thing is to learn from them and change the present and future, rather than beat yourself up about it. You seem to be a very concerned and loving mom, and that's important.

Drinking in itself is sad, however I see hope in this situation: your daughter realizes that cutting was not a good coping mechanism, and exchanged it for drinking (a form of self-medication). The hope: pwBPD needs to learn a new coping mechanism to be able to quit an old, unhealthy one. That's how healing occurs. So, if your daughter exchanged cutting for drinking, maybe in due time, as she grows, one day she will give up drinking for new productive coping skills.

All the best to you, take good care of yourself, so you can help your daughter also. Looking forward to seeing you here on the board!

[griz]

Hi and Welcome:  First I would like to tell you to stop blaming yourself.  I know it is hard and believe me if I had a nickle for everytime I blamed myself I would be inviting you all on a cruise around the world at my expense.  The emotional whirlwind of BPD is not any of our faults and it is not our children's faults either.  I believe they are emotionally wired to be the most sensitive people there are that have been thrown into a world that is they are not equipt for.  The find ways to cope.  For your DD is it alcohol, for my DD18 it is cutting.  Yes neither of these are good coping mechanisms however that being said it is so hard for them to find what works.  My DD started cutting at 15, sunk into the deepest depression and anxiety that I had ever seen.  We did everything.  Some of the things we did were the best, like "walking on eggshells" but as time went on we learned.  We did DBT with her for 8 months and medication and saw very little change.  Only recently has she decided to go back to therapy and DBT.  She will be the first one to say that she had to be ready for help. 

I have seen over the past two months a great improvement but we have miles and miles to go and I don't know where this will lead us.  Recovery? I pray. Backslides? I am sure. A lifelong commitment on her part to deal with her mental illness?  I pray some more.  I don't pretend to have answers and I can tell you that I am always on the edge waiting for the other shoe to drop. But the one thing I have is hope and we can never let go of that.  I know it is hard but try to be patient with your daughter.  Maybe in a quiet moment you could ask her what else other than drinking makes her feel better.  Let her know you are always there for her and know that we are always here for you.

Wishing us all a peaceful day,

Griz

[librajenn]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies.  I have started reading the Valerie Porr book today.  What is "pwBPD"?

I wish that my Daughter had some insight into her disorder.  She won't go to therapy though, and medication or any suggestion that it is her sends her over the edge.  I appreciate all of your comments and it does make me feel so much better to have ppl to "talk" to.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, librajenn   

pwBPD=people (or person) with Bordeline Personality Disorder.

There's actually a thread you can click on: 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0 

that tells you what all the acronyms mean on this site... .  I know I was confused by all the "cryptic" talking here when I first started reading, and checking out this thread made things much easier for me    It seems that you are starting to get a little less stressed out about your daughter's BPD, and starting to get a vision of the road ahead. Great job on getting the book by Valerie Porr; I'm sure it will help you even more   Godspeed with your journey to peace and well-being   

[portion]

my 17 yr old started smoking ... one day she asked me to buy her some... . I said no and she burst into tears and said it was the only way she could stop herself cutting!... . it was self harming enough to satisfy part of the need which gave her strength to not cut.

[sunshineplease]

Oh, I hear you, portion! My UD18 has also cut, and smoking seems her new strategy of choice. She's both a cancer survivor and a singer, and it's very difficult to watch. The only thing we can do (like you) is validate the feelings she chooses to share, not pay for the cigarettes, and to hope she finds a better coping mechanism soon.

[vivekananda]

  librajenn

I am glad you have joined us here. This site was a godsend to me. Here is where I get the best support and guidance. Other have given you wise words, so I will try to be brief (not easy for me  )

It is frustrating not knowing what is the right thing to do and feeling powerless because there seems to be nothing that can be done. But there are techniques we can use to get us on track and we do not have to feel powerless. One thing I want to affirm, you are not responsible. There is a strong genetic component to BPD. I am sure you were a loving kind mum doing your utmost for your dd (dear daughter). I want to warn you of the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt = FOG). When we are in a fog, we can't see clearly, things are obscured and this is how it is when we submit to our own FOG. This link might help explain more:

What it means to be in the "FOG"

Self harm is both a simple response and a complex one too. Simple because it is just a technique to ease the pain. Complex because it presses all our buttons and is so destructive. It is maladaptive. Abuse of alcohol and drugs are self medications to ease the pain also, they are dangerous too in different ways. Alcohol reduces inhibitions and adds to the at risk behaviours of our loved ones. It is a toxic substance - alcohol poisoning doesn't take all that much - anyone who passes out from alcohol is suffering a form of alcohol poisoning. It is dangerous for that reason. Nonetheless, I would in the short term prefer alcohol to cutting or illegal drugs... . It is possible to suggest to your dd to try a different approach. To distract herself from the pain, try immersing a hand in a bowl of ice cubes, holding an ice cube in the palm - such things are safe ways to ease that pain.

Until your dd is ready to seek a diagnosis and therapeutic help, it is probably best for you to not invest in trying to get her to do anything. So the advice to not tell her she has BPD is probably wise.

We use two techniques to help us develop better relationships with our children: validation and values based boundary setting. These techniques take considerable practice to implement effectively with our children and there are layers of understanding to them. Valerie Porr would refer to them in her book. There is much learning that we can do on these techniques.

The thing is, that with these techniques, we are in a better position to develop our relationship with our children so that they will be better able to hear us when we do speak. We actually have to change our way of thinking about things - just as our children do, if they are to get better. We learn to go beyond trying to solve peoples problems for them - after all no-one wants to be told what to do, do they?

Cheers,

Vivek