Advice on asking non-emeshed family members to respect boundaries needed.

[nomom4me]

Hi bpdfamily, I have not posted in awhile. I do check in from time to time but things have been blissfully quiet on the family front for me in recent months... .  until today.

After some holiday drama escalated to facebook stalking and email hacking I deleted enmeshed family members on facebook but still have some facebook contact with cousins, etc who are not enmeshed with my mother.  I keep most of my facebook posts private but do have a photo account on another site that is linked to my facebook account.  Today, a non-enmeshed family member added me on the photo site, my profile on the photo site is public but is not personal, mostly it's pictures I take around town and when I am traveling.

My mother has been blocked from email for years, she was never added on facebook yet has managed to cause drama by going through other family members via facebook, I have deleted all enmeshed family members but my mother sees extended family (some of whom are my facebook friends) more often than I do.  My mother is aware of my boundaries - I am open to consecutive contact only, no email - no letters.  She has pushed this boundary for years, she tries to coerce my mailing address out of me every time we have contact.  At this point I'm not comfortable letting my own siblings have my mailing address because I really don't want another 10-page letter from Mom.

My mother also has a history of putting a strange amount of emphasis on photos, and generally doesn't have nice things to say about my photos.  For work and my social life I feel it's important to have some online presence, I have been careful not to include my name on my online photo profile but facebook friends can find the photo page through linking. Even though this family member is not enmeshed with my mother I am worried about the potential consequences of having my mother find my pictures online.  In the past I had a public blog and I had to delete it due to odd comments I suspect were written by a family member.  My mother followed my blog and said something to the waif-ey tune of "why can't you write me like you write on your blog?"  I'd like to avoid having my pictures come back to me with the same type of commentary.  I have enjoyed the community around the photo site and would like to continue to have my pictures public.

I'm trying to formulate a message to this family member, or perhaps at this point I should send a group message to the family I have facebook contact with.  Is it fair to ask them not to share my photo site with my mom?  I suspect the non-enmeshed have picked up on the tension between my mother and I.  :)oes anyone have experience with asking non-BPD family members to respect boundaries by not sharing information with the BPD?  Is is unfair to ask my family not to share a public photo site?  

I realize anything online could be found by an enmeshed family member but I don't have my name linked to the page publicly, only people who are friends with me on facebook are able to connect it to my name.  

[Suzn]

Today, a non-enmeshed family member added me on the photo site

So, do I read this right, nothing has happened yet?

My mother followed my blog and said something to the waif-ey tune of "why can't you write me like you write on your blog?"  I'd like to avoid having my pictures come back to me with the same type of commentary.  I have enjoyed the community around the photo site and would like to continue to have my pictures public.

It sounds as though this site is personal for you, your own "space". Can you set a boundary for yourself surrounding your space? Asking your mother to respect this seems all you can do. If information or pictures are "out there" on the net, you can't control where they may end up. Involving this family member before anything happens may start something in and of itself.

[XL]

I've found it's a lost cause to try to control what other people do with your online stuff.

I 2 fb profiles. There is one under my real identity, but I just fill it with bland zoo pictures and only use it to like pictures of people's babies. My real one has a cartoon identity with more tagged events and pics of my real friends, etc.

I tried to allow a small number of peer cousins on the legit page, but they've all kinda screwed up and retagged me in family pics, etc. I just deleted some that were too problematic and told them I was whittling down to one profile. It sucks, but I don't need the whole family blabbing about my politics, or inappropriate drinking, or whatever. It WILL get back to my mother. A well meaning cousin is a quick path to a not so well meaning aunt. 

I'm trying to come around to radically accepting all info about me is public, but right now I'm still feeling boundary encroachment. I still see personal facts as "ammo" and still crave an iron boundary around my own life. I live my whole life behind joke names and cartoon pictures, but I could see how professional colleagues might find that weird. I can get away with it because my friends are weird arty types.

My mother also has a history of putting a strange amount of emphasis on photos, and generally doesn't have nice things to say about my photos. 

Oh man. This is my latest concern as well. They demand access to all corners of your life just so they can degrade them.

[nomom4me]

Thanks Suzn, and XL

Suzn, you are correct - nothing has happened, yet... .  

XL - I actually thought of you and your "shadow" facebook accounts.  I have too many work contacts on my facebook to make that kind of transition seamlessly, and many non-enmeshed family members work in the interactive sphere.

I have been careful to keep the pictures as non-personal as possible, there is no real clues to what is happening in my romantic life (marrying me off is another one of my moms obsessions) it's mostly pictures of buildings.  I have health problems and somewhat limited mobility, but I am able to travel - I don't think my mom will sit well with the fact that I travel to see friends, but no longer travel to see her.  I go to the big family events, like close family weddings and funerals but have been avoiding holidays since she focused in on my boyfriend a couple years ago.

I can see how saying something prematurely could make me look like the crazy one, but - as I discussed with a therapist the level of crazy my mom displays has got to make an impact on the non-enmeshed members.  The woman who added me on photosharing asked me "what's her (my moms) problem with you?" the last time I saw her.  I've always avoided direct answers to these kinds of questions, I think my answer was "good question".  When my therapist pointed out other people probably do sense she has some kind of problem it was a major realization for me, I see the clues now but no one ever pointed it out before.  Sadly, this therapist works with clients for 20 sessions only, it's been an interim program to support me as I (hopefully) find a fit through my insurance.  I only have 5 sessions left with her and am spacing them out at 2 weeks while I go through the motions with my insurance, in the past my insurance made a very bad match.  I already feel like I am cramming though the sessions I have left with my current therapist and this is a new development.

As the weather warms my mom will see her relatives more, things have been fairly smooth since the holidays and I really want to avoid my mom hearing second hand info about my travels.  XL, I have the same feeling about being picked apart.  I can be objective and say I have a different photography style than my mom, I'm more editorial and she is more family photo with everyone forcing a smile. My mother isn't so objective and has gone as far as calling past travels "a waste" because the photos were not up to her standards. We had a death in the family a couple years ago and I've seen my mother grieve before, pictures become very important to her as she mourns... .   I think it may relate to BPD fear of abandonment.  My mother has pictures of me, I don't need her latching on to my boyfriend more than she already has and what she wants is beaming shots of us on a beach somewhere, we are simply a low-key couple and don't post that kind of thing on facebook, or anywhere else.  We have a small set of photobooth pictures in our apartment, my mom keeps albums and frames on every surface of her home.

I didn't join any of these social networks to connect with family and do not actively seek them out, if a family member sends me a friend request on facebook I will add them as long as they don't have a history of causing drama.  This relative falls into that category, but these people live in a small town and gossip is gossip.  That is why I wonder if it might be time to send a message to all family on facebook with some kind of G-rated version of the situation between my mother and I.  I don't need to mention the email hacking, and I could explain my aversion to adding my mother on facebook carefully with a focus on it being a work tool for me.  It would be an opportunity to let them know how I am doing and establish personal contact, I only get bits and pieces of what my mom says about me and none of it is good.  Maybe I could clear the air a little, I'm not no contact with my mom and hope communication with her will improve - I hear that she had told people I have cut her off completely - this is not true.

My online photo page is linked to a blog, it's a new address I created this year.  I had to move my blog when I started getting odd comments about how selfish I am - right around the time family drama was brewing. In the past I shared my blog address and that was a mistake, I told family I took it down due to time and health - I've recently started again from scratch. I've always know that with a public site there is the possibility that a family member would find it but I have kept my accounts anonymous enough that it would be difficult, even for someone who knows me, to guess that the pages are mine.  If my mom was given the name through a family member my cover would be blown.  I had to remove an enmeshed family member from facebook last year and that was very difficult.  I don't want anyone playing the middle-man between me and my mom, I have never seen that work well.

I guess my questions is - is it fair to ask non-enmeshed family members to respect not sharing my online profiles with my mom as a boundary?  

[Suzn]

What you are suggesting is making a rule for others to follow. This is not the definition of a boundary, a boundary is something YOU follow because of your values. What can you do to avoid putting others in the middle? As you say, it never works very well.

I would suggest waiting till something does happen, practicing some self soothing since you are feeling some anxiety around letting new family members into your space. Take this time to practice how you will handle the communication with your mother if she does approach you about these pictures that you have given others access to. This empowers you, you have a plan and when you have a plan it helps ease that anxiety a little.

[nomom4me]

Thanks for the feedback, I understand that boundaries are for me, and I have not extended my "no online contact" boundary to the family I do have online contact with because they have given me no reason to do so.

I do think people have questions about why things are so rough between me and my mom, and my mother gives them more clues than I do.

To rephrase, does anyone have experience with giving non-enmeshed family members and overview of the situation from their own perspective?  I do think others find my mother difficult to deal with, if I was to give a short version of my side of the story including my reasons for ceasing online contact with my mother, would I be laying myself down on the BPD train tracks?

I do think the family that remains on facebook are well-meaning and non-disordered, I don't think they want to play middle man, what I fear is an accidental slip that will divulge my online identity. If people understand understand the situation, I think a slip less likely.  My extended family may gossip among themselves but I think everyone who is non-enmeshed is careful what they say around my mother, she has a history of reactive behavior.  I've avoided messages about simple stuff like holiday card exchanges because I don't want to explain to a cousin I see every few years why my mother doesn't have my mailing address.  I can't control what other people share, that is why I have avoided these conversations for so long but the list things said about me has become so long and strange that I feel like I should give some of my side of the story.  What bothers me most is my mom painting me as "cutting her off" when all I did was make a boundary that is based on years and years of unproductive written exchanges.  I do hope communication between my mother and I improves, I don't write about my health problems on facebook and I'm sure my mother has not been honest about my physical health, a few years ago I talked to family members who were unaware that I had recent surgery for a serious health issue. When I'm put on the spot I try to keep it light and give as little detail as possible, I usually see family at events like wedding and funerals where I do not think it's the time or place to talk about my health. 

I feel like there are huge gaps in the story my extended family has been told and it is up to me to fill those gaps - if I leave it up to my mother she'll keep elaborating on the storyline of being "cut off" by her "selfish" child. 

[XL]

Ultimately, you don't know what others think about you. Even if your mother is talking negatively about you, the people hearing it might not be paying attention, or might be maturely choosing not to take sides. If they directly confront you, then you should clear the air. Just a "You know, there are personality differences between her and I. We aren't getting along terribly well at the moment, and I'm choosing to keep my space" is enough.

Even after having a quick message exchange ":)on't tell the parents about my party pics, k, thnx" with cousins, they do slip up. Not out of malice, just out of carelessness. You really have to be your own bouncer if you want a secure level of privacy, or else be willing to stand your ground if there are consequences. Unfortunately, I've learned that means a zero tolerance policy for family online.

My mother isn't even online and still relays internet drama over the phone. So it's ultimately a lost cause.  I do feel your pain about not wanting to share the healthy parts of your life, though, as inconsequential as it might seem to others. I see a lot of friends posting wedding and vacation pics, and I just can't. I don't want weird people knowing me that well.

[nomom4me]

XL, my mom gives the strangest answers to the question "how is your daughter doing" - most relatives are pleasantly surprised to learn that I'm just a normal person. My nightclubbing/drinking days are years behind me now, I post pictures of buildings and food.  If my mom does find it she's going to be disappointed, as usual. I'm realizing that the people who are not enmeshed know she tends to... .  make stuff up.  Especially if she's on the defensive, she'll just lie herself into a hole - maybe someday I'll be able to laugh about it, the things she says about me are almost funny, almost.

My facebook privacy game is tight, I could not figure out how this woman had found my photo feed because I have all family on the restricted setting so they only see universal updates.  I use the feature in privacy where I view my wall as other people to see exactly what other people see. My friend told me that facebook bought the photosharing site, so it will automatically look up your friends.  My family only sees the booring stuff like background, profile... .  and relationship status.  My sister managed to make even that creepy, she just lurks... .  never updating, then drops a bomb - I changed my relationship status and linked my account to my boyfriend and BOOM, she changes hers, it's like she is watching and waiting.  Last year her posts got passive-aggressive, then she facebook messaged me to try to set up lunch with my mom, then text to see if I got her facebook message - and she doesn't answer her phone when I call.  I *had* to block my sister, I have seen her escalate to hacking into another persons email - this is all because I asked my mother to reach me by phone not email.  Blocking my sister was a difficult decision but I felt like she gave me no choice.  She is enmeshed with my mom, if I have online contact with her I am having online contact with my mother.  My brothers are not enmeshed and just don't want the drama, I think that is how most extended family feels. Now that my sister is blocked I don't hold my breath and check my setting every time I post something.  I do worry about her getting into the photo page somehow, but if she does have something to say I'll just call her out on the internet stalking, she has got to know how weird she is acting.

I had some very casual contact with the photo-following cousin.  I sent her a message thanking her for the add and pretending like I "don't update facebook much", asked about her vacation - just taking the temperature.  She responded very normal, invited me and my boyfriend to join them sometime when they are vacationing.  She did not mention my mom or sister.  I did not mention my health.  She's in tech so I think it's part networking, and when I see her we always get along.  I might ask her for an uncles email at some point, he seems to be the only family not on facebook and he was estranged for a period of time from my grandma... .  he also seems to manage my mother well, I'd like to reconnect with him.  He's kinda the family hippie, a good friend who is also from a conservative religious (also nutso) family recently connected with her moms hippie brother and she is enjoying having family who don't play morality/control games.   I wonder what that feels like.