BPD & Cognitive Impairment

[detachwlove]

Wondering if others once involved with a pwBPD experienced this:  One of the things that drove me crazy about my BPDex and caused problems in our relationship was the rapid decline in cognitive functioning whenever she was under stress.  

This section of the DSM-5 description of BPD explains:  "Core emotional traits and interpersonal behaviors may be associated with cognitive dysregulation, i.e., cognitive functions may become impaired at times of interpersonal stress leading to information processing in a concrete, black-and white, all-or-nothing manner. Quasi-psychotic reactions, including paranoia and dissociation, may progress to transient psychosis."

My BPDex would simply shut down cognitively when she was under pressure.  She'd have trouble following conversatons and forget important details (especially appointments).  It got especially bad when we would argue.  If she thought I was about to leave her she'd stop talking entirely or make no sense.  

Most recently, when I told her we should stop dating she became catatonic.  I tried talking to her for an hour and all I got was a blank stare.  When I dropped her off I told her to take care of herself, and all I got was dead silence.  It's like she was mentally gone.  Scary as hell.  

 

A friend of mine is a therapist and says that pwBPD go into a Disassociative state sometimes when they are rejected or feel abandonded.  They go into a cacoon as a defense mechanism against the world.  Since the breakup when I've had to talk to her she won't say more than 2 words to me.  She just stares.  I'm not sure if it's cognitive impairment or just the silent treatment.  Knowing her history, she's just being really quiet thinking I'll give in and get back with her.  Or drive right over to see what's the matter.  That's not happening.  Today is Day 5 of my No Contact pledge and I plan to stick with it this time.  

[MontyD]

I can certainly relate to all you have said. And she is a chronic pwBPD.

The first 3 months of my r/s with a BPD was very good, but when the coldness started to set in and the remoteness and the push pull started, the strange behaviour started.

Yes, I have seen my ex completely shut down. Then at other times, I could not shut her up, and what she said made no sense.  I mean, sentences were not connected and would be just babbling on about three subjects at once.  A word salad. Usually this would happen when we argued. She was unable to string 3 words together to make a sentence.  

Other times under stress, she would be like she had a stutter. The mouth would move and make no sound.  Eventually she would get it out.

Dissociation was always there during sex after the coldness had set in. During those times I felt there was no emotional or physical connection even though she would instigate the love making.  Only twice she showed an emotional attachment during love making, I think it was genuine, and she said she loved me.

Under many emotional circumstances she would dissociate herself from what was going on and become so remote.

Yes, I'm totally familiar with what you have said Detachwlove, and I believe it is connected to BPD.

Monty

[wanttoknowmore]

Detach & Monty,

I did observe something similar. During dysregulation, dissociation and rages

pwBPD's language changed and it was partial anhd brief sentences such as

"am OK', "was at work" "don't know" "tired of it" etc. No clarity.

Also, memory problems... . did not remember  and was sure it didnot happen.

Speech during rages was dramatically different... . screaming mixed with crying and the voice was such that you can feel that  someone is in great emotional pain. While driving, lost exits and took wrong roads and then corrected it.

This all was  only during dysregualted state.

Normally, answer was "I love you too." but during unstable phase... . Answer was ... . dead silence.

[recoil]

I saw a lot of this as well.  Because her behavior went off-kilter during times of stress, I did my best to eliminate all the stress from her life.  During the non-stressed times, we had a good relationship.  One I did enjoy - even after the initial idealization (there were still issues and lots of walking on eggshells though).

It was during a stressful time for her that she wanted a break.  This is where I start to feel a bit guilty.  I didn't give her what she wanted.  I broke away completely. 

I don't know if she truly needed a break just to get out of that stressful period or if she was looking to put me on the back burner while she did other things (my gut told me the latter).  I went with my gut.  I still question it today though.

[Slave to the binary]

I am so thankful for this thread as I can completely relate to the cognitive impairments. Background: My exbf still lives in my home and is undiagnosed PD. His cognitive distortions continue to get worse each year, as his life is falling apart (I've detached from him due to his abuse (he prefers sabotage to physically hurting me-push/pull, lying, extreme selfishness, passive-aggression, delusional, his words and actions are not congruent, dissociation, withdrawal, objectifying me (plus porn addiction), all the usual characteristics of PD's). He speaks in a "word salad", revealing small bits of information where I am expected to understand what he is talking about. It happens almost daily where he will talk to me and I will be forced to say the usual, "I'm sorry, I have no idea what you are referring to". He talks as if I am inside his head and already know all the events and heard all the discussions throughout his work day. He also communicates with my family in the same way, which has caused them to alienate him because its best described as "bizarre" to be on the receiving end of his disassociated thoughts. He often will say things that make him sound either high or possibly suffering from brain injury. Its recently become a problem at work when he is forced to leave his office and communicate in person. He also speaks in-congruently, for example "I took the trash out", followed by "I'm going to take the trash out now". Years of this (and many other hurtful behaviors) has caused me to detach from him and completely break down any form of communication. A visit to a fast food drive-thu is an experience. He can not get anything coherent out of his mouth and the worker's responses often validate my experiences.

[lhd981]

Oh, do I know this one.

My BPD exgf was an accountant and tax season was right around the corner from when we started dating. She warned me several times that she "got crazy" during this time; in addition, she was finishing up her last semester of grad school (weekend and night classes, as she worked full time) during the same period. She ominously told me that she had "never had a relationship make it through [tax/school] season".

What was an already odd/silly/quirky/temperamental woman became an absolute ticking time bomb. Communicating with her (much less seeing her) was akin to running blindfolded through a mine field. Even as an extreme people pleaser with many ingrained CD traits, there was no way I could make it all better.

Yes, Slave to the Binary, "word salad" and sounding "high or suffering from brain injury" were perfect words to describe my exgf as well. Communication was very curt and abrupt - especially written communication. She'd often retreat into her head, or begin talking to her favorite cat - but not in the way most of us talk to their pets; it was a hushed tone, referencing events/thoughts that I had no idea about. She was once nonchalantly talking to her cat about what would happen if it died and how she would "jump into the grave with her". As if I wasn't even in the room.

I'm the owner of a growing small business, that averages about 50,000 miles a year in driving to clients. "Regular business hours" don't exist for me. On top of that, I still find time for my friends, hobbies and ABOVE ALL, my partner. Funny enough, my disposition is one where I get stressed very easily, but I find ways to cope. What my exgf had went beyond any of that. She changed into a completely different person.

recoil:

Mine wanted a break during the first week of her "stressful period". She called me up more than once crying, calling herself a waste of a girlfriend and claiming she wasn't putting enough into the relationship. I told her that I was strong and that I could weather anything. That she needed to do what she needed to do, and that I'd carry/support the relationship. Yes, I'm very much the CD type. Like you, my gut also told me something to the effect of "maybe she just wants to put me on the back burner", but I took the other path for the most part. During her stress-induced rants, she'd often say things like "you're taking advantage of me, you want a wife not a girlfriend; I just want somebody to date; you're moving too fast" and so on. She'd also attack my masculinity by calling me a "beta male", which happened unprovoked and out of the blue as we were enjoying a relaxing (so I thought) dinner one night.

We did eventually have a break, during which I broke off completely and went NC, which caused her to go into a rage. However, I was recycled a week later and fell back into the fray.

[detachwlove]

I can certainly relate to all you have said. And she is a chronic pwBPD.

Yes, I'm totally familiar with what you have said Detachwlove, and I believe it is connected to BPD.

Monty

Thanks for all the replies.  The irony about my BPDex is that she's convinced she doesn't have it.  Even though she's been diagnosed with by several doctors during her adult life.  She recently found a pdoc that says she as "periodic depression" or some B.S and has prescribed her a half dozen psych meds.  All of which only made her cognitive impairment worse.  Especially the anti-anxiety sedative she was on.    

I actually read some of "Stop Walking On Eggshells" to her back in February.  Underlined parts I could relate to and shared them with her.  She looked at me like I was from another planet.  She has substance abuse issues too.  So I think she likes her current pdoc because she loads her up on meds on tells her what she wants to hear.  Like many pwBPD she is "treatment resistant."  Meaning she doesn't trust therapists.  I would drive her to her therapy appointments and she'd complain about how she hated going.   She loves her "drug dealer" as she calls her Pdoc.

Like's been said, my BPDex would either talk incessantly or go dead silent.  I would wear myself out trying to communicate with her.  When she was stressed, talking to her on the phone or even in person was impossible.  She would only be able to articulate complete sentences by text or in letters.  At one point I thought she had a learning disability.  However she's actually quite intelligent and creative when she's calm.   Unfortunately when she's on all those Psych meds those moments are few and far between.  

 

[lhd981]

The first red flag I ever noticed when I began seeing my ex was that she appeared to have some learning or developmental disability. I was convinced for much of the relationship that she had mild aspergers or something similar; extremely smart woman who constantly excelled at her job and her graduate program classes, but when she "checked out", oh man... .