I was told I should have fight back...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

this morning a friend of mine told me that I should have been more aggressive, i should have yelled when was time to do it, I should have given him a payback, I should have fight back and I didn't. I just let him go away with his own truth and his cruel words and actions  (and his recycled exGf who behaved very badly to me ) without properly reacting, the perfect victim. She says everyone is going to believe to him and not to me, as I'm too feeble, quite invisible. I wonder if she's right or, as I think, BPD is far too complicated for anyone who hasn't experienced it to judge. At the end of our r/s, he was in the Lover Phase with his exGf, whatever she said and did was perfect, even when she was provoking my reactions. If I said something, he would say that it was me and not her and would become very cruel. If exGf said something (as she always did), he would blame me... .  I've tried all I could, no way. he was cheating on me ouvertly (but she was "just a friend", and the two of them were very cruel to me. So in the end I just said, "ok, I can't stand your mind games anylonger, if she's her that you want, than let me go". Nothing more. And according to my friend, I've made it too easy for him (even if now he hates me... .  ). She thinks I should have called him names and told him exactly what I think of a person who behaves as he does. I didn't, even in our last texting, 5 days after. When he told me very cruel and painful words, I just told him that he uses people and doesn't respect their feelings. And just these few words made him mad. What could be the purpose of adding more, just to get more cruelty back?

[Billa]

this morning a friend of mine told me that I should have been more aggressive, i should have yelled when was time to do it, I should have given him a payback, I should have fight back and I didn't. I just let him go away with his own truth and his cruel words and actions  (and his recycled exGf who behaved very badly to me ) without properly reacting, the perfect victim. She says everyone is going to believe to him and not to me, as I'm too feeble, quite invisible. I wonder if she's right or, as I think, BPD is far too complicated for anyone who hasn't experienced it to judge. At the end of our r/s, he was in the Lover Phase with his exGf, whatever she said and did was perfect, even when she was provoking my reactions. If I said something, he would say that it was me and not her and would become very cruel. If exGf said something (as she always did), he would blame me... .  I've tried all I could, no way. he was cheating on me ouvertly (but she was "just a friend", and the two of them were very cruel to me. So in the end I just said, "ok, I can't stand your mind games anylonger, if she's her that you want, than let me go". Nothing more. And according to my friend, I've made it too easy for him (even if now he hates me... .  ). She thinks I should have called him names and told him exactly what I think of a person who behaves as he does. I didn't, even in our last texting, 5 days after. When he told me very cruel and painful words, I just told him that he uses people and doesn't respect their feelings. And just these few words made him mad. What could be the purpose of adding more, just to get more cruelty back?

[Newton]

Billa... .  with your restraint... .  you have shown courage, dignity and understanding of the futility of fighting back.  I think you should listen to your own advice rather than your friends (who I don't doubt has good intentions for you regardless of their advice)... .  

[Billa]

thank you for your words, Newton, they help

[laelle]

I think you acted with courage and grace.  You upheld the respect for your relationship, even tho he fell flat with it.

Why do you need to convince other people what you went through?  You know what you went through, and who really cares what others think.

As many times as I tried to make my ex "see the light" it only caused anger and more verbal sludge.  You did right.  You were with him, you knew him better than anyone else.

You are free from an abusive relationship.  What things are you doing now to take care of yourself?

Laelle

[Mightyhammers]

These kind of thoughts go through my head all the time ‘did I fight enough for the relationship? ( I fought tooth and nail for it, she was the opposite ) ‘was I man enough for her?’ ( she proclaimed many times that she felt like the man of the relationship, although she didn’t really explain why ) ‘did I stand my ground with her enough?’ ( this is the one that plays on my mind the most, as in some situations I just let her talk to me like a piece of $hit and took it – or was I just listening to what she said and took it on board? ). It seemed to me in the end that it wasn’t worth fighting for as when they have made their mind up, that’s it – I think being more aggressive would have made things worse…... .

[Newton]

In addition... .  many of us with codependent traits spent a great deal of time resisting or attempting to alter our pwBPD's skewed perception of events... .  thats why validating language can be so useful as a tool in these relationships... .  

Striving to convince someone who is emotionally deaf to hear your words and appreciate your feelings will anger the hell out of them, frustrate the hell out of you... .  and escalate the drama.

Many of us who have engaged in therapy can trace this dynamic back to our FOO... .  the attempt of a child who feels ignored, unheard, invalidated... .  to alter the perception or behaviour of an emotionally absent parent in order to recieve the affection we crave... .  

[Billa]

Why do you need to convince other people what you went through?  You know what you went through, and who really cares what others think.

that's my point too. I don't mind what other peple think, even if it hurts to know that some of them (not many, though) were friends of mind who have been clearly manipulated.

As many times as I tried to make my ex "see the light" it only caused anger and more verbal sludge.  You did right.  You were with him, you knew him better than anyone else.

Yes, I've experienced the same thing, it was useless to try and make him think logically or at least see things from my own perspective. Useless because his reactions, it could be at the very moment we were talking or many times after some time, hours generally, were very bad leading always to a payback. coldness, cruelty, revenge, rage.

You are free from an abusive relationship.  What things are you doing now to take care of yourself?

Laelle

At this very moment, I feel deeply depressed, I'm crying most of the time and I miss him a a lot... .  50 days from the break up... .  And i wonder when will it get better... .  

thanks, Laelle <3

[Billa]

It seemed to me in the end that it wasn’t worth fighting for as when they have made their mind up, that’s it – I think being more aggressive would have made things worse…... .

that's it... .  

[Mightyhammers]

the bottom line is this. SHE. WILL. NOT. LISTEN.

thats all there is to it

[Billa]

Striving to convince someone who is emotionally deaf to hear your words and appreciate your feelings will anger the hell out of them, frustrate the hell out of you... .  and escalate the drama.

well, you're right, and I think that as for codependent traits, I've a good amount... .  

[laelle]

Why do you need to convince other people what you went through?  You know what you went through, and who really cares what others think.

that's my point too. I don't mind what other peple think, even if it hurts to know that some of them (not many, though) were friends of mind who have been clearly manipulated.

As many times as I tried to make my ex "see the light" it only caused anger and more verbal sludge.  You did right.  You were with him, you knew him better than anyone else.

Yes, I've experienced the same thing, it was useless to try and make him think logically or at least see things from my own perspective. Useless because his reactions, it could be at the very moment we were talking or many times after some time, hours generally, were very bad leading always to a payback. coldness, cruelty, revenge, rage.

You are free from an abusive relationship.  What things are you doing now to take care of yourself?

Laelle

At this very moment, I feel deeply depressed, I'm crying most of the time and I miss him a a lot... .  50 days from the break up... .  And i wonder when will it get better... .  

thanks, Laelle <3

Sweetheart, sometimes I wonder if I will stop hurting as well.  Logically I know I will, but my heart feels differently.

I cant go back into a relationship with my ex regardless of how bad it hurts.  My ex could care less about my needs.  Plain and simple.

I can give 24 hours a days and he would still not care about my needs.

[Hurt llama]

In addition... .  many of us with codependent traits spent a great deal of time resisting or attempting to alter our pwBPD's skewed perception of events... .  thats why validating language can be so useful as a tool in these relationships... .  

Striving to convince someone who is emotionally deaf to hear your words and appreciate your feelings will anger the hell out of them, frustrate the hell out of you... .  and escalate the drama.

Many of us who have engaged in therapy can trace this dynamic back to our FOO... .  the attempt of a child who feels ignored, unheard, invalidated... .  to alter the perception or behaviour of an emotionally absent parent in order to recieve the affection we crave... .  

I am starting a Word document of posts that have meaning to me.

This one is starting the project off.

Very well said.