Letting go of the life I never had

[Our abuse recovery guide]

this hits home with me. as an adult its unbelievable to look back at the sick and toxic behaviors I was subjected to as just a little girl. how have you escaped her clutches? is your dad in the picture? My biggest challenge with my BPD mother is that my dad is so codependent he enables her behavior, and has allowed it my whole life. My mother is sick and I have accepted that, but my father has a sane mind and supports her treatment towards me and my siblings.

anyways, I have found myself pretending that I had a relationship with my mom when I talk to friends and coworkers. I have longed so badly, and so long for a mother-daughter relationship like we are supposed to have, but my wishful thinking is done. somewhere along the line I realized that would just never happen, but my journey of accepting it has continued. Even today, on mothers day- I sit feeling guilty for not going to see her. Even though in reality I know how much pain and anxiety it will cause if I do... .  I admire you are at the point of healing, and seek to get there myself.

[UpwardAndOnward]

this hits home with me. as an adult its unbelievable to look back at the sick and toxic behaviors I was subjected to as just a little girl. how have you escaped her clutches? is your dad in the picture? My biggest challenge with my BPD mother is that my dad is so codependent he enables her behavior, and has allowed it my whole life. My mother is sick and I have accepted that, but my father has a sane mind and supports her treatment towards me and my siblings.

anyways, I have found myself pretending that I had a relationship with my mom when I talk to friends and coworkers. I have longed so badly, and so long for a mother-daughter relationship like we are supposed to have, but my wishful thinking is done. somewhere along the line I realized that would just never happen, but my journey of accepting it has continued. Even today, on mothers day- I sit feeling guilty for not going to see her. Even though in reality I know how much pain and anxiety it will cause if I do... .  I admire you are at the point of healing, and seek to get there myself.

[Cordelia]

What makes it difficult is that they often don't admit they have a problem, often don't even realize they do because in their mind they are normal and everybody else is crazy.

Thank you for your kind words!  I think this is exactly the problem and it's especially confusing when the enabling parent colludes in this deception.  When I was a kid I knew my mother was unreliable and it would never have occurred to me to go to her for advice or understanding of any important issue because she was so clearly "off."  But I did go to my dad and trust my dad's reading on these things.  And he played along with the idea that my mom was basically normal, she was just upset, she really loved us she just didn't know how to show it, etc etc.  He still does that to this day!  My sister went to my dad recently upset about yet another heartless behavior on my mom's part (they are still in touch) and my dad confessed to me that told my sister that he thought mom's intentions were good, even though he personally doesn't think that's the case, because he thought that was the kinder thing to do!  I disagree so completely.  I think the kinder thing to do is tell the truth, as long as it's backed up with compassionate action (i.e., mom has turned out to be a crazy person and does hurtful things but we are going to try to support her and love her as best we can).  I think my dad had kind of a sick denial deal going with my mom, that if he pretended like she was psychologically normal, she would pretend like he didn't have a drinking problem.  So yeah, long story short, the denial is extremely damaging.  As much or more so than the disease itself.  As I've gotten older and seen other families with members with serious psychological problems, I've seen that pretending like they don't exist is only one strategy that it's possible to take.     It's also possible to face up to the fact that someone in the family is facing real challenges keeping it together, and try to support that person.  And even though life is still extremely tough for these families, and there are costs all around, I think it's such a better message to send to kids - and a better way to live your life! - to take the stance that when someone needs extra help for a physical or mental challenge that they're having, you try to pull through as a family and help them as best you can, not lie about the fact that there's a problem because that's easier than dealing with it. 

anyways, I have found myself pretending that I had a relationship with my mom when I talk to friends and coworkers. I have longed so badly, and so long for a mother-daughter relationship like we are supposed to have, but my wishful thinking is done.

  Yeah it's extremely tough to know how to talk about this kind of relationship with a mother, which is so far outside the norm of most people's experiences.  I went through a long phase of not talking about it with anyone (being ashamed, thinking that they would agree with my mom that the problem was all my fault), then a phase of talking about it A LOT when I realized it was possible and the truth wasn't as damning of me as I thought, and people were actually compassionate about what I went through rather than judgmental of me.  Now I'm more in a place where I don't need to talk about it that much, but if it comes up I'll either evade the question or just be direct if that seems appropriate.  Being pregnant with twins I get a lot of questions if my mom is going to come help me out when the babies are born, and I'll usually just say "my sister is going to come out and my mother in law will help, I'm looking forward to that."  I will share with someone who's a good friend, or someone I anticipate becoming a good friend, that I'm not in touch with my mom and we have a difficult relationship.  The whole issue of what to tell other people for me was mixed up with how do I explain this to myself.  How do I make peace with this reality without letting it destroy me?  If I admit that our relationship is fundamentally broken, does that mean I can't be close with other people anymore, that others will think I'm a horrible monster and reject me, that my pain will be on display constantly so I can't have normal conversations without bursting into tears inappropriately?  I've found that even though the mother-child relationship is super important and fundamental, it isn't the last word on life, and having a crappy mother can be part of a life story that is still overall quite satisfying and positive.  It really isn't the FACT of having a cruel mother that's important, it's what you decide to do about it. 

[OnlyChild]

This is interesting, almost something I feel guilty thinking. My mother's family was abused/traumatized. Their father left, and their mother had a huge breakdown. I can see their point, and was lead to grow up sorry for all of them.

HOWEVER, I am wondering if my mother was also spoiled in addition to the abuse. I think my grandmother did all the work, and my grandfather threw money at problems. She thinks she's above certain things; work, cleaning, budgeting, exercise, etc. Even applying for public benefits ("too much work". She has real sense of privilege and doesn't like limits. She has a real tendency to avoid responsibility and focus on "fun" or "pretty" things.  Now I'm wondering if my grandparents over-indulged their kids. She just has no sense of resiliency either. She refuses to move on from any set back, refuses to take control of her own happiness or destiny, refuses to help herself. Sometimes the line between disabled and spoiled gets very blurry.

I used to think the little things (refusing to figure out electronics, etc) were pleas for companionship, but I'm kind of thinking she'd be totally baffled by these things if she were alone. She's just willfully lazy on some things. It's not helplessness; it's laziness.

XL:  I think we have the same mother!  I'm fairly certain that spoiled was the case.   My dad's mom told me that my uBPD mom's mother "ran around wearing rags" so that my mom could have fancy clothes.  And fancy she did have!   She was a very attractive woman, and could really wear lots of fine clothing well.    She did some modeling, so that "required" some purchasing of some of the dresses that looked oh-too-good to not go home with.    Of course, my child support $$ was used for such purchases, and I worked in a small restaurant washing dishes until my hands bled to afford my own clothes.   I was 13. 

I completed my mother's application for SSDI because paperwork made her angry.   I would call her case workers during my work hours to advocate for the craziest of entitlements.   Anything that was too difficult or did not result in some sort of pleasure was avoided by her and dealt with by me so she could get the grand end result. 

I had thought the lack of skills in paperwork, electronics, etc was a result of brain damage (my mom spent some time in a coma).  However, reading your post it's just all too much identical. 

[Kwamina]

Hi UpwardAndOnward!

Thanks for your reply. I’m sorry that you’ve also had so many struggles with your mother.

this hits home with me. as an adult its unbelievable to look back at the sick and toxic behaviors I was subjected to as just a little girl. how have you escaped her clutches? is your dad in the picture? My biggest challenge with my BPD mother is that my dad is so codependent he enables her behavior, and has allowed it my whole life. My mother is sick and I have accepted that, but my father has a sane mind and supports her treatment towards me and my siblings.

My dad hasn’t been in the picture since I was a baby but I’ve heard many stories similar to your description of your own father. Having your dad enable her behavior is very frustrating indeed and really does make an already difficult situation even worse. I only really managed to escape after deciding I didn’t want to live like this anymore. If she wants to create drama all the time that’s her choice, but I refuse to be a part of it anymore. I’ve accepted that she probably ain’t never gonna change, so if I want something to happen I gotta change myself.

anyways, I have found myself pretending that I had a relationship with my mom when I talk to friends and coworkers. I have longed so badly, and so long for a mother-daughter relationship like we are supposed to have, but my wishful thinking is done. somewhere along the line I realized that would just never happen, but my journey of accepting it has continued. Even today, on mothers day- I sit feeling guilty for not going to see her. Even though in reality I know how much pain and anxiety it will cause if I do... .  I admire you are at the point of healing, and seek to get there myself.

I have found myself ‘faking’ many times too. This really didn’t feel good because I knew it wasn’t real and it made me feel fake myself. I understand your difficult feelings on mother’s day. I struggled too, but it wasn’t like I expected. I didn’t go to my mother but the whole day I felt drained, it felt so strange thinking about how this day is for people with a 'normal' mother. I never liked mother’s day but after what happened a few years ago I really had enough. My oldest sis is uBPD too and she and my mother simultaneously turned into a Witch on Mother’s Day 2010. My sis was making all kinds of accusations and threats, was screaming and pointing in my face and actually wanted to get into a physical fight with me. This was the moment that I really knew something had to change, not only because I really disapproved of the way they treated me but most importantly because this hugely affected me mentally and emotionally.

[macathequeen]

I can't believe what have I just read here! Finally my childhood has a meaning different from driving myself crazy with guilt and shame! Hello, lovely people   

[Kwamina]

I can't believe what have I just read here! Finally my childhood has a meaning different from driving myself crazy with guilt and shame! Hello, lovely people  

Hello to you too macathequeen  This actually is a very old post of mine, I'm glad it's helpful to you though. One of the central themes of this post was acceptance and letting go. Since this resonates so with you, you might also benefit from taking a look at another thread about acceptance:

Living two lives vs. Reality acceptance

I'm looking forward to reading more of your story on here. Take care

[goingtostopthis]

        I have a cat too who I swear is my guardian.  He's very old and came to me all beat up from being a stray tom all his life.  He has this deep wisdom in his eyes. He's retired here with me. I dont know how much longer he has on this earth but I really feel he's here with me now for a reason.

                  I understand that feeling completely on not having any defenses. Im not living with my mother or my sister  so to speak, but they live next door and both of them have some kind of BPD problem going on.  My sister comes over "here" a lot though she's been tapering off a bit lately, thank God,  But anyways,  I had a vision walking out of my room, thats when I start to go into my sister's so called territory, even though it isnt. Its all head trip stuff.  I had  a vision of the sound of birds in a cage being in the room out side mine. Its technically my space but you know how psychological trips go.

                I used to keep zebra faced finches when I was in college and I loved it. Anyways, there was something about the sound of birds being in that room that was really comforting to me. In this vision it was an atmosphere of safety I felt of this area where I am living as being mine by in a sense being active and alive. So guess what.  When I can aford it Im getting birds and Ill put them in a really cool antique cage.             

[amliving4me2]

Kwamina! I understand you completely! Except the cat part... ..  When I am in social situations, I find myself wondering if I'm acting as I should or saying the correct things.  My uBPD mother was always so cruel and unkind about people.  I never learned to be a good friend or neighbor.  I am horrible at fostering friendships because my mom didn't encourge such things.  It's hard now, as a 39 year old woman.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm 12 and trying to figure out life.  Also, I feel embarrassed and really guilty for admitting this, but I often feel jealous of people/friends/coworkers that have loving parents. 

[Kwamina]

Kwamina! I understand you completely! Except the cat part... ..

Hi amliving4me2 ,

Thanks for your reply! However, you should know that I actually had two parrots  The cat belonged to somebody else on here!

When I am in social situations, I find myself wondering if I'm acting as I should or saying the correct things.  My uBPD mother was always so cruel and unkind about people.  I never learned to be a good friend or neighbor.  I am horrible at fostering friendships because my mom didn't encourge such things.  It's hard now, as a 39 year old woman.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm 12 and trying to figure out life.  Also, I feel embarrassed and really guilty for admitting this, but I often feel jealous of people/friends/coworkers that have loving parents.

I can relate to what you're saying here. Many of our members have actually expressed similar feelings on here. It can definitely be difficult to accept this reality we're facing, but it's the only reality we got so the best strategy is probably to do the best we can to make it work for us. I also understand why it can make you feel this way to see other people with loving parents. It can indeed be very painful to see in the lives of others what we have always missed and possibly still long for in our own lives. One piece of advice I would give you though, is that what you see on the outside isn't always how things really are. Sure the lives of other people/friends/coworkers might seem perfect from the outside but there are in fact many very dysfunctional families who look 'perfect' on the outside. Often presenting this image of perfection  is used to maintain or cover up all the dysfunction going on. So I would say be very careful when comparing your life to what you believe to be the lives of others because we often only get to see a small fraction of what's really going on in their lives.

[clljhns]

Hi Kwamina,

I recently did a little reflecting myself. I also have had those same thoughts for many years, and then a couple of weeks ago I had a real turning point in my healing. I posted on here A Huge Thank You! to all those who had put obstacles in my path. I came to understand that because of this mine field that I traversed, I am really a much more competent person than I think I would have been otherwise. While it probably sounds strange to thank someone for hurting me, I see the benefit and lesson in it for me. I feel as if I am the one who gained and won the war, they are the losers who stay trapped in their own prisons.

Thanks for the thread! It is always nice to reflect on our lives.

Peace and blessings. 

[Kwamina]

                I used to keep zebra faced finches when I was in college and I loved it. Anyways, there was something about the sound of birds being in that room that was really comforting to me. In this vision it was an atmosphere of safety I felt of this area where I am living as being mine by in a sense being active and alive. So guess what.  When I can aford it Im getting birds and Ill put them in a really cool antique cage.             

How about this one? A cool cage needs a cool bird and this one's got a hat!

[Kwamina]

I posted on here A Huge Thank You! to all those who had put obstacles in my path. I came to understand that because of this mine field that I traversed, I am really a much more competent person than I think I would have been otherwise. While it probably sounds strange to thank someone for hurting me, I see the benefit and lesson in it for me. I feel as if I am the one who gained and won the war, they are the losers who stay trapped in their own prisons.

Yeah I remember that thread of yours very well. It was a beautiful shout-out to all the 'haters' out there But on a more serious note, it's great that you were able to take some lessons from your experiences and by doing so give new meaning to what you've been through. When you approach things like this, you empower yourself so well done

[clljhns]

Hi Kwamina,

Yes! I do feel more empowered! But more importantly, I feel that new doors have opened to me. There are so many new opportunities I see, where I didn't see them before. I feel like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon.

Peace and blessings.