Life on hold

[thinkingthinking]

After 22 years of marriage, I filed for divorce in January. We separated last October, and during the last 6 months of our separation, my BPDh has done everything from drinking and gambling to a suicide attempt that landed him in the ICU for a night and the psych unit for a week.  And yet he still has a way of saying things to me that make me feel like everything is my fault; the 22 years I spent with him, raising kids and working were not enough, I didn't hang in there long enough, it was getting better, he would have stuck by me no matter what, his dad's death triggered the gambling and I should understand that, etc.  Anytime I try to spend time and get along for one of our kid's events, he takes it as an invitation back into my life.  If I could maintain a friendship with him I would, but I just don't think he is capable.  And then when he has a "good" day, I doubt myself and wonder "did I make too big of a deal out of things?"  Luckily I have journals from the last 6 or 7 years that remind me of the turmoil.

In the meantime, he is asking for a large portion of my retirement savings in the divorce settlement and originally was asking for spousal support.  My attorney asked for a historical statement regarding our financial status, which I tried to keep pretty neutral.  However, BPDh received a copy and interpreted it as being cruel and threatened to drag out the divorce because I mentioned the gambling and excessive spending.  Part of me just wants to give him the amount he is asking for to get this done with, but I don't know that doing so will really end anything. 

I feel stuck, like I can't even think about what would make me happy or what direction my life should go. Keeping our kids in a normal mode takes up a lot of my energy.  And oddly, there is this pang of sadness when I hear of someone going on a "30 year anniversary trip" or talking about their spouse. 

Hoping to see some light at the end of the tunnel one of these days!