MM, it’s important not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) in our communications with a BPD parent/loved one.
What can we control? – protecting D6, your availability, not engaging with Mom when she is dysregulated, managing your guilt for not being available.
What is Moms to control? Her own anger, resentment, frustration, reactions to perceived slights.
MM, if Mom calls and you are not available, then you are not available – this maybe a matter of managing your own guilt about not responding straight away (walking on eggshells) rather than telling her you were honouring her request. If Mom gets angry because you are not returning calls then she needs to self soothe herself. You can validate her “Oh, that must be annoying when we can’t get to the phone” --- no JADE’ing. You don’t need to provide any reasons why you cannot get to the phone – this is enabling.
The main issue here is the conflict. It began with conflict then cascaded into more drama as a result – i.e missing D’s birthday.
Consider using:
S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth then end of conversation. No JADE’ing after that, don’t engage.
I’m not suggesting you use this verbatim – however it gives you an idea of how to use SET without JADE’ing.
S: "Mom, I know you may not understand or agree with me, but I really do care for you, and want us to be able to sort through any differences and get along better."
E: "It really must be frustrating for you when you feel that I'm not understanding you, even though I'm really trying."
T: "Mom, it's probably really hard for people to get close to you, when they feel that there is always conflict – especially via email/text. It doesn't matter whose fault you think it is; when it turns to resentment, most people pull away. How can we work towards communicating better rather than sending angry emails/texts? I have some ideas I would like to share with you…………... . ”
Treat the boundary of not just “showing up” as a separate thing. As for D6 – this is really unfortunate and I can understand it broke your heart– it may even be reminiscent of how Mom put a wedge in important events in your life. D6 can be assured that grandma loves her, that she didn’t do it to hurt her intentionally. The difference between the experience of D6 and your experience as a child is that you are aware.
Adult children of BPDs more often than not, come from an emotionally invalidating environment. D6’s reaction to grandma not coming is valid – and its important we validate that its valid – hope that makes sense! Grandma will never be able to do this for D6 – you can. In time, we can provide our kids with age appropriate information about Grandmas emotions – in the meantime, D6 needs her emotions validated – something you MM probably did not receive as a child.
D6 will not have the same emotional issues as you or I – you are aware!
The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions
