Am I being recycled? What's happening here? I need advice.

[Rocknut]

My relationship with my RAGING ex boyfriend with BPD came to a head on April 7th. He had an "extinction outburst" on me where he called me every name in the book. He made fun of my body, my  jobs, my family in every way possible. Everything but the kitchen sink was thrown at me... . then... . silence... . he changed his phone number... .

April 18th I got a call from him. He didn't ask how I was doing. He found out through a friend that my mother had a stroke. He didnt ask how she was doing. He said this exactly, "did you miss me? Have you missed me?" Then I said, "what? Do you know what im going through? You don't ask me how my mother is? Why did you call me?"

Then he said this exactly, "well, I called because i'm angry. I'm angry because I can't get you out of my head. You are stuck on my brain." I said, "why does that make you angry? That make's no sense." He said, "because... . relationships scare me."

I picked him up that night like a dummy. I held him in my car. He cried. He told me the 2 weeks I didnt hear from him he was high constantly. He finally had a raging outburst at work. He got fired for cursing his boss. He even pawned his car title for marijuana and booze. Well, monday the 20th I carried him to my house. I got him cleaned up. We went out job hunting. He got a job on the 24th.

Between the 20th and 24th it was just like old times. We spent every moment together. He talked about living together. He said he loved me. As soon as he got his job at a local burger joint, he stopped contacting me again, completely ignoring me. So I started ignoring him. I ignored him for a couple days. Then he called me, "why havn't I heard from you?"

Was I recycled? What happened? I feel like he fell on hard times and  turned to me because I am the only stable thing in his life.

[lhd981]

One common theme that came up with both of my BPD exgfs is that when they ignored me, I was supposed to somehow "fight for the relationship" and keep making attempts to contact them - even if they were going to shoot me down anyway. While I perceived this as them having their cake and eating it too, I can see from the flip side that it was likely a test of my devotion.

I don't think you're a dummy for having had a humane response to his suffering. What you did for him was very sweet and considerate; but it probably had no effect on the object constancy issues he likely faces on account of BPD. He will still ignore you and make wild accusations. I say this as a CD type who has bent over backwards and then some for my former partners with BPD; we can give them the world, but they can still turn around and spit venom in our faces.

This does not read like textbook recycling where you're wooed back with niceties only to have the pattern start again. He clearly felt that his life had hit a new low and you represented something at least somewhat "safe" to him, despite the vitriolic comments he made 11 days prior. With that said, I feel your frustration and confusion after having been somewhat "discarded" after he got the job. As far as it having been "just like old times" for those four days, and his talk of love and wanting to move in, there are many excellent articles and threads on this site specifically dealing with the BPD perception of love and others' take on it.

One thing you should not do (which is easy for me to say, but I know how hard it is to actually do) is not beat yourself up or take ownership for his bad life decisions. You seem to be a very caring person and I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

[seeking balance]

Was I recycled? What happened? I feel like he fell on hard times and  turned to me because I am the only stable thing in his life.

Yes, you chose to go back into his life - thus you were recycled. 

I am not a fan of the word recycled - it tends to put a negative spin on what happened and all that really happened is a pwBPD has an emotional moment.  As we know, intense emotions hurt and they reach out to soothe the intensity.  If you are not there, they will use something else.  In this case, sounds like booze and pot - but some sort of external coping method.

Recycling can only happen if a non allows their boundaries to be violated.

You may be the only stable person in his life - is this a responsibility you want and continue to try and do?

[Rocknut]

I like how he has made it routine to leave my life, then come back shortly thereafter if I don't contact him... . ugh... .

[Newton]

Rocknut ... .  seeking balance has it spot on (as usual ) ... .  

Whats important to focus on is your wants, your needs, your desires from a relationship... .  can he provide what you want?... .  

At the moment it sounds like you are rescuing a lost broken child... .  rather than having a relationship with a healthy mature adult that enriches your life... .  

Why are you doing this?... .   

[laelle]

He comes back in your life because "he needs" a vessel to release his emotions in.  Its not about you.  Once he felt the release, and got his job (which helped to soothe him)

He did not need you anymore.  He comes back again when his emotions are ready to boil over again.  

Its not intentional, and he has every good reason to do it... .  His survival.  His survival skills will destroy you.  Its about him, not you.  

Without therapy and a lot of self reflection, that wont change.



Laelle