Did your ex show extreme generosity towards strangers?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was just discussing weird relationship tics with a friend who just broke up with a low-functioning, violent PwBPD.  I had a high-functioning, silent raging PwBPD, so a lot of our experiences were different, but one thing we both mentioned was that our exes were so capable of kindness and (apparent) selflessness when it came to helping out strangers.  Volunteering at homeless shelters and animal sanctuaries, going out of their way to help people begging on the streets, etc. 

It reminded me very much of the title character on Nurse Jackie.  Not sure how many of you watch that show, but Jackie is a drug addict who lives a double-life and cheats on her husband with a pharmacist who supplies her with pills.  She steals from her friends, lies to everyone, and is a text-book manipulator who borders on sociopathic within her immediate sphere.  But, in her job as a nurse she's constantly risking her own well-being and safety to give patients she's never met the best care possible.  She is exactly the nurse you would want helping you if you were ever wheeled into the ER.  She shows countless acts of selflessness and generosity, without an ulterior motive. 

I know it's just a TV show and a fictional character, but seeing the similarities made me curious as to how common this behavior was in individuals with BPD.  I'm not talking about charity for the sake of LOOKING like they care or trying to paint themselves as the hero.  I'm talking about real, genuine empathy and self-sacrifice that only seems to present itself when dealing with people they don't know. 

[causticdork]

I was just discussing weird relationship tics with a friend who just broke up with a low-functioning, violent PwBPD.  I had a high-functioning, silent raging PwBPD, so a lot of our experiences were different, but one thing we both mentioned was that our exes were so capable of kindness and (apparent) selflessness when it came to helping out strangers.  Volunteering at homeless shelters and animal sanctuaries, going out of their way to help people begging on the streets, etc. 

It reminded me very much of the title character on Nurse Jackie.  Not sure how many of you watch that show, but Jackie is a drug addict who lives a double-life and cheats on her husband with a pharmacist who supplies her with pills.  She steals from her friends, lies to everyone, and is a text-book manipulator who borders on sociopathic within her immediate sphere.  But, in her job as a nurse she's constantly risking her own well-being and safety to give patients she's never met the best care possible.  She is exactly the nurse you would want helping you if you were ever wheeled into the ER.  She shows countless acts of selflessness and generosity, without an ulterior motive. 

I know it's just a TV show and a fictional character, but seeing the similarities made me curious as to how common this behavior was in individuals with BPD.  I'm not talking about charity for the sake of LOOKING like they care or trying to paint themselves as the hero.  I'm talking about real, genuine empathy and self-sacrifice that only seems to present itself when dealing with people they don't know. 

[hellokitty4]

My BPD is exactly as you described... .  very compassionate, helpful, will go out of her way for others... .  

Everyone, even strangers gets her help... .  except me. I fell down the stairs a few months ago. When I told her about it she brushed it off and moved the conversation to another topic... .  like what happened to me didn't exist or didn't matter. Not once did she ask me if i was okay or if there was anything she could do. Yet on the flipside, I have helped her through so many things... .  definitely will never be an even exchange.

[costadelmar]

My ex was the same and for her job she works with an underdeveloped little girl who's bones are so fragile they can break with the slightest pressure.  In hindsight I would say that this is a coping mechanism.  I believe they are self aware but not to the extent of normal healthy indiviuals, they know that something's wrong with them and helping people is a way to aliviate some of the guilt and emptyness that they feel.  Maybe more emptyness and aloneness than guilt.   Just MO but it does make sense especially for the wBPD's.

Costa   

[marbleloser]

 Maybe it's because BPD is an attachment disorder? The one's they're not intimate with get the loving,caring,soft side of them,while the one's they are intimate with,get the negative side.

This is what made it so difficult to understand for me.I accepted that she is BOTH.

I'd like to see this show.She sounds EXACTLY like exBPDgf.

[lhd981]

Thanks for posing this question! For all that I've written on my BPD exgf and the red flags that I noticed, I kind of glazed past this one.

While she didn't have many friends, I remember her taking this "sweet old man" into her life as she felt bad that he was so lonely. Even though he must've been at least 40 years her senior, she'd take him out to lunch, shopping, etc. Oddly, she'd complain about him at times "he's so weird! I think he has a crush on me!", but she continued to seek him out sporadically.

Despite her propensity for making herself busy and stressed all the time, she would also volunteer for a religious order of nuns (herself not being religious in the least bit) once a month.

While she generally talked about most aspects of her life, she kept the above two "charitable" ones fairly vague and didn't bring them up much. Both were VERY uncharacteristic of her overall persona, but I chalked it up to her "having a good heart" - which helped me to rationalize away some of the raging/crazy-making behavior. I was proud to have such a compassionate, caring girlfriend.

Of course, there was the time that I got into a car accident (it was fairly minor, but she didn't know the details when I told her) and her response was "I hope you're ok!" with not as much as a follow-up... .  

Yep, this all sounds familiar!

[seeking balance]

Marbleloser is right on the money.

It is an attachment disorder - a stranger is not an attachment.

Many, high functioning pwBPD actually choose helping professions and do quite well professionally.  Certain BPD coping traits, like mirroring - give people in need of help a higher level of trust.

[marbleloser]

Kinda gives insight to the internal conflict that must be going on,and teaches us that it's not all black and white either.

[causticdork]

Marbleloser is right on the money.

It is an attachment disorder - a stranger is not an attachment.

Many, high functioning pwBPD actually choose helping professions and do quite well professionally.  Certain BPD coping traits, like mirroring - give people in need of help a higher level of trust.

That makes total sense.  Mine worked in healthcare right up until she got busted forging prescriptions for herself.  She was also in that Natural Helpers club in middle and high school, and that's one where the teachers come through and ask kids to write down who among their classmates they go to with their problems, and if you get a bunch of votes they pull you to join the club. 

I read this funny article about how people who recycle are usually bigger jerks.  Not because recycling is bad (obviously) but because people give themselves moral leeway in other areas when they do something as selfless as recycling (because you don't see any direct reward, but you do it for the good of everyone).  So you can rationalize being a jerk to the barrista at Starbucks for taking too long because hey, you're not a bad person or anything.  I mean... .  You recycle... .   

And I don't mean you recycle people.  That's a whole other thing entirely.  I do wonder if it's a bit of that same principal though.

[lhd981]

Interesting perspectives here; yes, it's an attachment disorder - but I couldn't reconcile the fact that she was BOTH in my head. In my case, it's not even that I wanted to portray her as all good or as all bad, but there was a natural delineation in her behavior to at certainly made this an attractive assertion. Her moods had no middle ground: she was either the fun, peace-loving hippie that just happened to be an accountant, or the foul-mouthed, screaming, closed-off accusatory psycho. In fact, she even alluded to this at times; as how there were almost "two of her".

She often talked about how her career as an accountant was "soulless" and "sucking the life out of her"; towards the end (likely as a result of massive stress), she'd talk about jumping ship and going into a career where she could "help people". I often bit my tongue as not to imply that maybe she should help herself before helping others... .  

In the same vein,

Causticdork's recycling bit made me chuckle! We once had a benefit at my country club for a humanitarian cause. It was incredible to see quite a few self-professed humanitarians treating the staff like complete garbage. Talk about missing the point.

[LetItBe]

Yes, my uBPDxbf used to volunteer at a homeless shelter.  He's also very conscientious about supporting small businesses.  He goes out of his way to help his immediate family, too.  He was usually empathetic toward me, although when he would dysregulate, he exhibited little empathy toward me, one of the 2 people (including his dad) that he "loved the most." 

[clairedair]

Yep - homeless shelter on Christmas Day; very highly regarded (for good reason) in healthcare job; has written books etc.  I once asked him quite sincerely if he used up all his empathy at work.  He could be great when I needed him but more often than not, it didn't last and he either got angry with me or turned tables and needed comforting.

Maybe it's because BPD is an attachment disorder? The one's they're not intimate with get the loving,caring,soft side of them,while the one's they are intimate with,get the negative side.

Hadn't thought of it this way but it makes sense to me.

[maria1]

Remember they gave you the loving soft side until you got close and then engulfment/ abandonment was triggered. My ex was always getting to know women, being so great with them until he got to know them and then 'poof'. As well as me his push/ pull was playing out in different ways with different people all over the place, all over his life, even with his 6 year old son.

It's tragic.