BPD totally incapable of completing tasks

[lizzie458]

My dBPDh is high functioning.  He's never really had a problem holding down a job, keeping lights and water on, etc. - but he can't be trusted to do anything outside of that that "needs" to get done.  I know this is more a problem of my expectations, but it's really really hard to be married to an adult who cannot complete small, simple tasks.  I severely limit the stuff I ask him to do, but I'm still flabbergasted.  I needed two things done today because there was no way for me to do them myself, and neither one happened.  He was home all day.  Acknowledged both requests and said "no problem".  He forgot both things.  ?  If it's this confounding for me, I can't imagine what it must feel like to him.  He seemed so embarrassed and ashamed when he told me what happened.  I suspect some dissociation, and that he probably spent much of the day engaged in his addiction.  

This happens a lot too:  we have a decision that needs to be made so I give him my thoughts and wait for his response.  A week later, he asks if I've followed through on the decision yet.  I remind him I'm still waiting for his input - his response:  "ohhhh yeah ok".  Another week goes by.  He asks if I've followed through on the decision yet.  Hello, broken record!  His whole life he's clung to a dx of ADD, but I am starting to think the dissociation plays a bigger role than "ADD".  He definitely has the feelings of extreme emptiness and it seems like he spends a lot of time kind of lost in thought over that stuff (worrying, obsessing, etc. over it - these are actually his words).  Hmmm.

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[zaqsert]

Hi Lizzie,

It can be so frustrating!   

My uBPDw is similar in that she will sit around most of the day watching TV and not do some of the important things that she said she will do.  Some of them get dragged out for weeks, even months.  She will sometimes rage at me for not doing something, but I've been realizing more recently that this is more because of projection or a feeling of "he doesn't care about me or my needs", which I know not to be true.  So it's been easier to ignore these rages recently.

Aside from acceptance though, I'm not sure what to suggest.  Maybe others have some ideas?

[allibaba]

Exact same problem here.  He can't even remember to go to the grocery store and pick up 1 thing.  Its because I stopped asking him to do things and basically trained him that I would do everything.  Stupid me!  Now I have to train him how to be an adult again.  Ug.

[changingme]

I am not with my ex anymore but I do remember this being a huge issue and frustration for me and I never understood how someone so smart could be so forgetful.  I still am in communication with him (co-parent) on a daily basis.  I have learned to have no expectations.  That I will do the organizing and setting things up and if he helps, he helps, if not I don't get frustrated any longer because I wasn't waiting on him.

Asking him questions I now sometimes feel him out.  If he seems short through a text message or phone or when I see him in person I know it is not the time to ask. I kind of wait until he is more chatty or friendly with me and I try to get the answer in the moment not ask for later.  Later it won't come unless I ask again (frustrating again).  I got in tune with his emotions and go by his lead.  It is working much better. 

I know it is different dynamic when in the relationship, so I wish you best.  Hope this helps a little.

[Slave to the binary]

Hi Lizzie,

I encounter exactly the same behavior, one disappointment after the next for years. He can not be relied upon on a consistent basis. One day he wakes up and completes daily tasks and the next its all forgotten about. Some times its small things and others its big, like not locking doors or watching the dogs. He simply can not be relied upon for anything. He also dissociates, passive-aggressive, emotionally unavailable, and maintains a secret life. The bottom line is its all about him and his needs. When you share a home with someone that tunes out of reality for so long, it becomes clearer and clearer how sick he really is. I've learned they can not be partners, there is no give and take, its all taking. 

[bruceli]

I am not with my ex anymore but I do remember this being a huge issue and frustration for me and I never understood how someone so smart could be so forgetful.  I still am in communication with him (co-parent) on a daily basis.  I have learned to have no expectations.  That I will do the organizing and setting things up and if he helps, he helps, if not I don't get frustrated any longer because I wasn't waiting on him.

Asking him questions I now sometimes feel him out.  If he seems short through a text message or phone or when I see him in person I know it is not the time to ask. I kind of wait until he is more chatty or friendly with me and I try to get the answer in the moment not ask for later.  Later it won't come unless I ask again (frustrating again).  I got in tune with his emotions and go by his lead.  It is working much better. 

I know it is different dynamic when in the relationship, so I wish you best.  Hope this helps a little.

They tend to remember what is important to them however.  My birthday, not a clue... .  a party someone vaguely mentioned a month ago in passing... .  mind like a steel trap. 

[daylily]

Lizzie,

This is a HUGE problem in our house.  I have a tendency to take on too much as it is, and when H isn't contributing in meaningful ways, it makes life really hard. 

I think maybe pwBPD are so overwhelmed with their emotions that they have trouble focusing on other things, including simple tasks.  I have the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" Workbook by Randi Kreger and there is an exercise in that book that comes to mind.  It has you imagine that you're accused of a serious crime and you're waiting for the jury to return a verdict.  You're nervous and feeling scared.  Your fate is hanging in the balance.  Someone starts tugging on your sleeve and tells you to do some task, like taking out the trash.  The exercise asks how it would make you feel.  It points out that pwBPD feel constantly under pressure, like they're being judged, edgy and afraid.  When we ask them to do something menial, it's just too much for them given the pressure they are putting on themselves. 

Maybe that's the selective memory that bruceli is speaking of - if something invokes an emotional response in them, they remember it.  If not, they may not because they're too busy obsessing over things that they do feel emotionally about. 

The extreme nature of that crime example above really hit home with me and helped me to understand what my H may be going through and why he overreacts to things and seemingly can't contribute as much as I'd like him to.  It makes me feel a little less resentful toward him.

  Daylily