I did it

[benny2]

Well I did it. I ended it. I texted him and said, " as long as you are unsure about me, I am taking myself out of the picture. I'm tired of being out in left field while your throwing curve balls. I'm only good enough to sleep with BULL... .  

No response, which I expected and now I just have to stick to my guns if he contacts me again. This is very difficult but its even more difficult being treated like this when at one time we had a relationship or so I thought. So here I am on the leaving board and hopefully here to stay.

[Lucky Jim]

Good for you, Benny2.  I'm sure a lot led up to your decision to leave.  I suggest that you anticipate hearing from him, as I think it's quite likely, so be prepared when it happens.  In the meantime, I suggest you consider yourself lucky and move on!  You deserve it!  LJ

[benny2]

Thank you Jim. At the moment I am not feeling so lucky, but rather heartsick. I just could not deal with the traits of this disorder. Rejection has always been difficult for me and theres just to much of that to deal with.

[Newton]

Welcome benny2... .  things will be tough... .  it's probable you will hear from him... .  and you will have all the support you need here if you do 

[laelle]

Congrats Benny... .  I knew you could do it. 

You really deserve better than a one sided relationship where he gets to say a few sweet words once every blue moon, and in return gets your loyalty and love regardless of the crap he does to you.

He doesnt deserve you.  If he has BPD he is simply looking for someone to unload his emotions on.  You carry all the weight and blame while he gets to carry a "justified" mannerism about him.  He takes your goodness and gives you his bad.

It is very difficult.  I have been through it, and I really understand the "fix" we tend to suffer the first few weeks after.  I love my ex, but I realize he cant truly love me

because he is ill.  His survival skills will destroy me.  I dont want to be destroyed and I imagine you dont either.

Stay strong Benny... .  we are here for you.

 Laelle

[clairedair]

His survival skills will destroy me.  

Wish I had adopted this as a mantra some time ago - very well put.

Benny - I wrote a letter to my ex just before he left in which I expressed my feelings about being "out in left field".  I didn't even know at that point whether he'd left or not because I was getting such mixed messages.  I decided to talk to him rather than write but didn't get the chance.  I really wish I had been able to tell him how it felt at that point to not be included in his life (except when he needed me).  I admire your courage in being able to say 'enough'.

[LoveNotWar]

 Benny2... .  sending you strength... .  

[Juliecelle]

Benny,

I'm officially jealous! I dream of the day I'll have things in order to do the same. Hang in there! You deserve better

[Validation78]

Great job Benny! The buck's gotta stop somewhere!

So, what's your next move? What will you do to take care of your needs, and how will you face the moment he tries to contact you?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[benny2]

I'm not sure what my next move is to be honest. All I know is I am not going to let him use me anymore. That is all he does, uses women. He cheated on his exwife thoughout their whole marriage and she still wants him back. I am angry and I so want to rage at him. I have all I can do to stop myself from sending him a piece of my mind.I think what is most frustrating is he completely shuts me out when I have so much to say. Did he really think I would continue to be his booty call when we had so much more at one time? Part of me hopes he will wake up and realize I was the best thing he ever had, but even if he did, how could I believe him. As far as support, well all my family has moved away and my friends are pretty sick of the whole thing. Right now I just feel really alone, depressed, angry, and foolish.

[laelle]

Benny, 

It wont do any good to send him a letter.  He will twist it around and throw it back at you.  Its futile. (remember they cant accept bad things about themselves, they will only project them on to you.)  You did all those bad things you told him that he did, or that he is justified in doing them.

I understand your anger.  Anger is good.  Its the outward projection of inner emotions.  Better than holding it in isnt it?

Have a nice SCREAM! Shout at the top of your lungs.  YOU WERE ABUSED.  It may have not been intentional, but it HAPPENED.

What kind of things do you think you can do to help you release some of that anger other than contacting your ex?

 Laelle

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Benny,

I echo Laelle.  Scrap the idea of sending a letter, which will likely prove to be futile, for the reason Laelle mentions.  He will project it back onto you.

Instead, try sitting with your feelings, just observing what they are and where they come from.  I suspect you will see that the source of your suffering is a disordered individual, not you.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[clairedair]

I think what is most frustrating is he completely shuts me out when I have so much to say.

I think this is another example of abuse.  Denying you the chance to say how you feel.

I have tried before to have a post-split conversation and it has never given me what I needed - I can't remember a time when it didn't just end with more questions going around my head than before    But the need to 'say my piece' is overwhelming at times so it feels like yet another no win - if I say something, it's twisted around; if I don't, I can't sleep or concentrate for thinking about what it all.

Laelle's suggestion is good - find a healthy way for you to get the anger out.  I keep meaning to try kick boxing!

[leftbehind]

Benny2, I know you're suffering right now, but I'm so proud of you for the strength you showed.  For the self - esteem you found.  For drawing a line in the sand and saying, "Enough!"

I know you're hurting, but it will get better.  You deserve more than this man could ever give you.  Keeping you in my prayers... . xo

[flynavy]

Benny2... .  today is the first day of the rest of your life... .  I find working out... .  running, cycling, swimming has always worked for me.  Its a natural high (endorphins)... .  keeps you focused on doing something positive for you.  But whatever you do do not engage in any contact with him... .  I did with my ex BPD/NPD/ex fiance for 7 months... .  it only made things worse... .  I am happy for you.  Even though I am new to this site... .  I have found it to be an enormous source of strength when I feel weak!

[LetItBe]

.I find working out... .  running, cycling, swimming has always worked for me.  Its a natural high (endorphins)... .  keeps you focused on doing something positive for you. 

I also find exercise very uplifting and empowering.  Sometimes it's hard to start my workout, admittedly, especially when I'm still having some waves of breakup blues, but once I start sweating and getting some endorphins flowing, I think to myself how awesome it feels and that I need to put workout times on my calendar to make my well-being a priority.  Exercise makes me happy.

Benny, I've been thinking of you.  Our r/s's sounded kind of similar, and the endings weren't very far apart.  I hope you're taking really good care of yourself.  We are here for you!   

[magic woman]

I haven't posted in a long time.  Your relationship sounds very much like mine and I guess that I came to the conclusion that it comes down to respect.  It is hard to know how much to bend or give in a relationship to try to make it work, and where to draw the line.  I hope you continue to find your way out and to a better place!

[Blessed0329]

Benny, good for you! Don't ever lost sight of the fact that you do indeed deserve better. Go ahead and be angry, you have a right to. As for the letter, I wrote dozens of letters to my ex, and got all of the hurt and anger out. I just never shared any of them with him. The point of writing those letters is not to give them to someone who just cannot hear you, but to get all of it out of you. This will all take time and it will hurt, but just remember you will not be anyone's doormat, (one of my mantras to help me stay true to myself).

[hellnback]

Stay the course. You will be fine

[Hopeliveshere]

Benny,

I'm proud of you. You don't want to be like me wishing you'd done this 40+ years ago. What a waste of time. Contact is to be avoided like poison.

I'm happy you have the opportunity for a new and happier life. 

HLH

[Rose Tiger]

Reward yourself with a puppy if you can!    They really are the best therapy.    Kittens are good, too.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Benny,

I echo what Hopeliveshere wrote above.  I spent 19 years in BPD quicksand and it's not fun, believe me.  I completely lost myself for a while there . . . and came closing to drowning in that quagmire.

Now I'm out of a BPD marriage and back on my path, but the personal costs were enormous, so forewarned is forearmed.

Glad you are on this Board!

Lucky Jim