may seem like a silly question but it is still important... HELP

[donniesgrrl]

Hi there,

So I am getting my very first tattoo this weekend, I am getting something to symbolize where I have been what I have come through and my future, it is a lotus flower, it grows up out of the mud and survives some of the worst conditions only to thrive and turn into a beautiful flower.  It is a symbol for great change as well, and after everything I have done for myself mental health wise, and making some big changes in relationships in my life I feel like it is an important journey to remember, and to look back on and see how far I have come.

SO I have 2 questions rather, I for some reason feel like I need to tell my mom that I am getting a tattoo, I realize that I am 31 and do not need to ask permission.  I think it is that whole fear from growing up of ever doing anything that may set her off. We have not really talked other than a few scant text messages since February, so I am feeling like if we were in a talking season than I would share it with her, even thought I know it would probably piss her off.  But my fear is that she will find out after the fact and what then, I guess my worry is about future actions from her. 

My other worry is that they are going to be all like where did the money come from?  We are renting a house from them and Paying what they ask, but they want us to pay more to make up for a few months when we had to pay less because my Husband lost his job, and we were on one income.  Now I am not talking like oh just pay 50 over the already increased amount (we came up with a figure that is about 100 more than what were paying to make up the difference over time) they want us to pay almost 300 more a month, which with 2 kids is A LOT of money.  And the House is in horrible condition, My step dad basically refuses to do any repairs or reimburse us for anything we do to repair anything so I feel like it is a wash.

I also am wondering what to tell her if she ever asks what it means, or what to tell family on that side of the family what it means, I really don't think it is any of her business, my body, my choice, but I feel those feelings of a need to share with her creeping back in and I don't really know what to do... .  HELP!

[Rose Tiger]

This is fairly easy.  Move out into another place.  Pay what you can or take out a loan to pay them back. 

It is a symbol for great change as well, and after everything I have done for myself mental health wise, and making some big changes in relationships in my life I feel like it is an important journey to remember, and to look back on and see how far I have come.

Great changes. 

[donniesgrrl]

We are working on getting out, we are both looking for jobs down closer to my in laws, they have been and continue to be a great support for us, however that takes time, and being that we both have pretty good jobs now we don't want to just up and leave them, we would rather get the jobs and commute until we can find something closer or stay in our current jobs and then commute to them, since we are both pretty happy with where we are at. 

My real dilemma/question was about the issue with the tattoo, I know it seems completely stupid and mindless, but to me it is a big fear trigger because it is definitely stepping outside of the boundaries of doing exactly as expected all of my life, I got my belly button pierced in college and she found out about it, and cut off my money for food, and expenses, and rent, because I was not allowed to work while in college (an agreement to have my tuition paid for) this posed a huge problem, and I was told that I needed to figure it out but I was not allowed to get a full time job or they would pull my tuition too.  I realize that there really is not anything she can do that will have the same affect, but the fear still sits there. 

I could just use a little help with dealing with my self talk and feeling OK that I am doing this and she has no idea about it.  That it has nothing to do with her and I should not feel guilt because again, I am a grown woman with a family of my own, I take care of my kids well, I pay my bills, and I can do what I want, especially if it has Absolutely nothing to do with uBPDm.  It is still a challenge, to quiet that voice in my head, just looking for others who have done something similar as far as stepping outside of what is/was expected of them and how they handled the feelings that may or may not have come with it.  I am still pretty new in all of this.

[skelly_bean]

I could just use a little help with dealing with my self talk and feeling OK that I am doing this and she has no idea about it.  That it has nothing to do with her and I should not feel guilt because again, I am a grown woman with a family of my own,

Hey Donniesgrrl,

Tattoos are so popular right now, I am considering getting one of my own. That Lotus sounds like a great idea as well.

It sounds like your fears aren't crazy, because the last time you made a body modification your mother seriously made you feel unsafe. Those voices in your head are trying to protect you from that happening again.

Normally I would say go for it, it's your life! Enjoy your freedom. Show her who's boss. But it sounds like she actually has a big stake in your financial stability still. She can't take away your job, but she can raise your rent in a way that you can't afford.

If it were me, I would get the tattoo, keep it secret. If it's going in a place you can't keep secret, leave that tattoo on the back burner until you move out of the house, use it as motivation maybe.

I think those symbolic gestures are important, but if the consequence may be that you can't feed your kids as well as before - I'd wait on it.

Take care!

[pallavirajsinghani]

It appears to me that the issue about the Tattoo is not about the tattoo at all.  Your dilemma appears to be symbolic of where you are and where you would like to be.

It appears to me less symbolic of where you have been and where you are now.

Confusing?

Please allow me to elaborate.  It seems to me that you are right on the verge of cutting the apron strings off financially, physically and emotionally.

The issue about the tattoo seems to me reflect this little last minute flutter of wings a baby bird gives before flying off the nest.

In your case, the nest is literal as well as figurative.

Congratulations darlin'  you are ready for your next step towards emotional self-sufficiency.

[XL]

OMG. Are we dopplegangers? Do you have my mother?

Same tantrum. Same naval piercing. Same tattoo.

One of the creepiest things I endured is the concept of ownership. They do not own your body. You are free do with it what you will. Fights about body art are actually fights about how they "made you" and therefore "own you". Forever.

I'd recommend getting it somewhere that can be covered, mostly for formal wear occasions. If they find out and ask, tell them a friend did it on apprenticeship and it was free. Or that it's super old and you're surprised they never noticed. Or say nothing.

[XL]

Mine's whole thing too was "you're going to get AIDS from a tattoo shop and die of AIDS." She loves thinking of great ways for me to theoretically die. Mine tried to make me get tested for Hep immediately after getting my first tattoo.   They will use it as a point of control, but at 30+, that's just stupid.  You're not a teenager.

My only useful advice is not to get it on your spine if you're planning on having more kids, (Epidurals can pick up the ink, not good). and to go to a good shop with good health reviews. Also research the types of inks they use, and get it done in test stages if you're doing reds (some people are allergic to older red inks). A good shop should have this info.

The thing with tattoos is that they have to get over it quickly. It's permanent. Done. There's nothing to concede on, and it's not going away, so they will move on a little quicker.

I also have several piercing I've had hidden for over a decade. You aren't obliged to confess everything you do with yourself to the world. You are entitled to privacy and your own self identity.

[donniesgrrl]

Well I got it! I love it, I am still feeling those flutters of nervouseness but after reading XLs post again this morning,I think I will use that last line you underlined as my new self talk.  I am perfectly capable of covering it when need be, and no one would be any the wiser, and I can even wear a tank top and it will still be covered, although to be hones I rarely if ever wear one outside of the house around family anyway.  I have not told my kid, mainly because they are 2 and 4 and really don't need to know other than if they happen to see it and ask, I also don't want tp put the responsibility on my 4 year old to not say anything.  It is not fair to make them lie for me, so for now I will keep it under wraps so I can enjoy doing this thing that was totally and completely for me.  If it happens to come out, what is the worst she can do... .  Stop talking to me again... .  oh wait we are already not talking LOL.

Thank you XL for the apprenticeship Idea.  My Husband also came up with that too, he said if she finds out, and wants to make a deal about the financial of it tell her that a friend who is trying to get into tattooing did it (since she won't get the apprentice thing) and you paid her for supplies (20ish bucks).  If they are going to try and compare a one time 20 dollar expense to something like 300 dollars more a month in rent they can shove it LOL.

On that note we are also more seriously looking for a place to move to.  I really don't want to move again, but if it means cutting that one last tie, it will make things so much better.