Not as hard as I thought

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Well my uBPDh (who I am now realizing may be more NPD) has threatened divorce so many times throughout our marriage that it stopped seeming real.  (Started within the first few months of marriage which I didn't even remember until I went through old journals.)

Then, in February he physically assaulted me.  There had been physical interaction a hand full of times before, but not as blatant and I didn't really attach the weight that I should have to those instances.  At that point he had already expressed wanting a divorce and we were going to get things in order and done until May when his daughter graduated.  It of course got put on the fast track when this happened in February and I made him leave the house.

I filed for divorce about 2 weeks ago.  All the things that were an obstacle before to us getting a divorce (our ties are complicated with all our assets and businesses) are seeming to work out easily and quickly to enable us to be in a place to separate.  Crazy how God does things... .  

I am currently at the house alone packing up each room today as I will be leaving for good next week so he can move back home.  It's so surreal.  The crazy thing is - I thought I would feel really depressed when I had to do this (and especially since I am here doing it alone) but I am not!

I don't know if I am just in shock or if I truly just don't care anymore.  Or maybe it's the grace of God that I have been asking for to walk out what I need to.  (Grace = the supernatural ability to do things in the natural you could not normally do.)

Today I am SO thankful for that ability and peace in my soul.  We all have heard that the fear of something is usually much worse than it actually is.  I think one of my weak areas was that fear of the pain of losing my H, of him moving on to someone else, etc.  The fear I couldn't handle it.

Sometimes the thing we are the most afraid of is the thing that sets us free.  It's going to be okay - no matter what comes.

Just grateful for peace, and strength that I would not have alone.  Thank you Abba!

[Lady31]

Well my uBPDh (who I am now realizing may be more NPD) has threatened divorce so many times throughout our marriage that it stopped seeming real.  (Started within the first few months of marriage which I didn't even remember until I went through old journals.)

Then, in February he physically assaulted me.  There had been physical interaction a hand full of times before, but not as blatant and I didn't really attach the weight that I should have to those instances.  At that point he had already expressed wanting a divorce and we were going to get things in order and done until May when his daughter graduated.  It of course got put on the fast track when this happened in February and I made him leave the house.

I filed for divorce about 2 weeks ago.  All the things that were an obstacle before to us getting a divorce (our ties are complicated with all our assets and businesses) are seeming to work out easily and quickly to enable us to be in a place to separate.  Crazy how God does things... .  

I am currently at the house alone packing up each room today as I will be leaving for good next week so he can move back home.  It's so surreal.  The crazy thing is - I thought I would feel really depressed when I had to do this (and especially since I am here doing it alone) but I am not!

I don't know if I am just in shock or if I truly just don't care anymore.  Or maybe it's the grace of God that I have been asking for to walk out what I need to.  (Grace = the supernatural ability to do things in the natural you could not normally do.)

Today I am SO thankful for that ability and peace in my soul.  We all have heard that the fear of something is usually much worse than it actually is.  I think one of my weak areas was that fear of the pain of losing my H, of him moving on to someone else, etc.  The fear I couldn't handle it.

Sometimes the thing we are the most afraid of is the thing that sets us free.  It's going to be okay - no matter what comes.

Just grateful for peace, and strength that I would not have alone.  Thank you Abba!

[Hurt llama]

Good for you!

But be prepared for ripple effects and delayed reaction.

[Validation78]

Hi Lady!

What you have done requires a great deal of strength and courage! I know you've done everything in your power to make this marriage work. You've been lead by your faith and heart throughout this ordeal, and you will continue to do so, I' m sure.

I can relate to the feeling of it not being as bad as we imagined. Making the final decision was the toughest part for me too. However, once my mind was made up, the rest came naturally. Not without some grief, anger, disappointment, etc., but way less strife than I had imagined. The peace of mind gained far outweighed the marriage lost. We will both have some struggles ahead I suspect. When you're off to a good start though, you have the attitude and encouragement to face whatever may come. I for one do, and I pray that you do as well!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Lady31]

Zero - Yes, thanks.  I realize that can happen.  I am just thankful and relieved that I have the peace & mental & physical strength to do what I need to do right now.  And it was something I thought was going to be very difficult.

Val - Thanks for sharing.  Yes, it does seem to be falling into place much easier than I expected.  (The logistics and the emotional.)  I did walk this thing all the way through with God, so I have peace about the decision I have made at this point.

Hope everyone has a great Saturday!  It's back to packing.  The only thing bumming me out is all the dust burning my throat as I sort through the attic.   

[laelle]

 

WHOO HOO... .  congrats. 

[NewWays]

Lady 31... .  

Give yourself credit... .  you are walking a path to better health and happiness.  Celebrate and acknowledge those times where what you are doing you can affirm and validate are happening with less pain and sadness... .  (probably means the path you are on, is right on!)

Also, went back to my journals and like you, saw the clear evidence of the warnings flashing all over the radar screen that we "forgot" or were in denial of!

Reading journal entries of "you are wrong!... .  or "if this does not change I am going to file for divorce!". My DBPDW at this point is exhibiting the negative behaviors warned about here when going through divorce with your BPD spouse.

You are right about being blessed and how God has help put you on a path for ending your marriage has so far been with less sorrow and pain as you pack each of the rooms and ready yourself to move on.

I have hope that I walk a path through my divorce that shows me some small elements of relief of crud and BPD stuff that many times overflows to the what can become a part of the journey through divorce.

Wishing you peace as you walk your path.

mrrlk