Wanting some advice--new mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi! I'm new here, and so grateful to have found this site. I found this site after searching on the Internet for some answers and help for dealing with my BPD mom.

I am a new mom myself; my son is 5 weeks old. His birth seems I have been a trigger for my mom. She was at his birth, at my invitation, but ended up having a hard time at the hospital. I'm not exactly sure why it was so hard, I have my ideas. At any rate, she changed the flight and left the hospital early. So, she was supposed to come and help me at home, but he didn't choose to do that.

She has sent me a Facebook message that implies she thinks my husband is abusive to me. It reads, "You have been continually in my prayers. Reject the lies that come from the brokenness surrounding you that would want you to think that you must earn love or that purposefully hurting the one you love could ever be justified.   You ARE greatly loved and treasured and you deserve love, happiness, and peace.    I see Jesus ready to step in to help you.   He loves you--turn to Him--He alone has the answers you need."

My husband is great, but my mom had always had a problem with him.

The issue: my little sister is coming to visit/meet the baby. She is then going to see our other sister and my mom who live 6 hours away. My told my sister that since she was "forcibly removed" (which is not true) from the hospital room she will not come to the city where we live to pick up my sister. Instead my sister will rent a car and drive herself.

In three weeks, my husband will be going to his brothers graduation. I can't go, so my son and I will stay at home. My mom caught wind of this on Facebook, and she texted to say she would like to come "help" that weekend.

So, obviously, the problem is my husband. She's willing to come when he's not around.

I'm struggling with what to do. My husband would like to limit interaction between my mom and our son. I'm not sure what I want in terms of relationship with my mom. I also think its not really fair or cool fit her to come only when my husband is away. He is the father of her grandchild--he's in the picture. I certainly don't want to encourage her lies about him.

I know my mom lives me how she can. I know she means well. I want to protect my new family. My son needs his parents to have a healthy relationship, and I want to protect him from some of the things I experienced as a child.

Thanks for listening.

Lucky

[lucky blue jay]

Hi! I'm new here, and so grateful to have found this site. I found this site after searching on the Internet for some answers and help for dealing with my BPD mom.

I am a new mom myself; my son is 5 weeks old. His birth seems I have been a trigger for my mom. She was at his birth, at my invitation, but ended up having a hard time at the hospital. I'm not exactly sure why it was so hard, I have my ideas. At any rate, she changed the flight and left the hospital early. So, she was supposed to come and help me at home, but he didn't choose to do that.

She has sent me a Facebook message that implies she thinks my husband is abusive to me. It reads, "You have been continually in my prayers. Reject the lies that come from the brokenness surrounding you that would want you to think that you must earn love or that purposefully hurting the one you love could ever be justified.   You ARE greatly loved and treasured and you deserve love, happiness, and peace.    I see Jesus ready to step in to help you.   He loves you--turn to Him--He alone has the answers you need."

My husband is great, but my mom had always had a problem with him.

The issue: my little sister is coming to visit/meet the baby. She is then going to see our other sister and my mom who live 6 hours away. My told my sister that since she was "forcibly removed" (which is not true) from the hospital room she will not come to the city where we live to pick up my sister. Instead my sister will rent a car and drive herself.

In three weeks, my husband will be going to his brothers graduation. I can't go, so my son and I will stay at home. My mom caught wind of this on Facebook, and she texted to say she would like to come "help" that weekend.

So, obviously, the problem is my husband. She's willing to come when he's not around.

I'm struggling with what to do. My husband would like to limit interaction between my mom and our son. I'm not sure what I want in terms of relationship with my mom. I also think its not really fair or cool fit her to come only when my husband is away. He is the father of her grandchild--he's in the picture. I certainly don't want to encourage her lies about him.

I know my mom lives me how she can. I know she means well. I want to protect my new family. My son needs his parents to have a healthy relationship, and I want to protect him from some of the things I experienced as a child.

Thanks for listening.

Lucky

[lucky blue jay]

I would like to add I'm not sure if she can have a relationship with me and my son without having a relationship with my husband.

[GeekyGirl]

Congratulations on your new addition! Little boys really are a lot of fun.

This is a tough situation for sure. I understand where you're coming from when you say that you don't think your mother can have a relationship with you and your son without involving your husband. Your DH is your son's father and your partner. At the same time, it sounds like your mother is threatened somehow by your husband.

What do you think about your husband's request to limit interaction between your mother and your son? Are you ok with that, and to what degree would you be ok with limiting the interaction? You bring up a good point, too: what kind of relationship do you want with your mother? I think things will look a lot more clear once you and your DH work out these questions.

[nomom4me]

Congrats!  From my perspective your little man and the man you are raising him with are your priorities, having your mom in your sons life on the conditionally sounds like it could get very complicated.  How would you handle holidays?

Maybe look at it from another perspective; how would she react if she had a partner that you refused to interact with?

What I see with my mom and her grandchildren is an effort to control, she'll takeover childcare or "offer" to help with education but it's always conditional on having control over where the childcare or school is, she has made my enmeshed siblings jump through all kinds of hoops.  I'm not a parent, so this is just my observation based on how I see my mom act with siblings kids.  Do whats best for you and your family.

[lucky blue jay]

Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness and kind words. I really think I need clarity, first, in what kind of relationship I'd like with my mom. Does anyone know how to get that kind of clarity? And, how do I decide what is healthy for my son? I'm not sure how I go about making these decisions. It all gets so murky in my mind.

[nomom4me]

Good question - I wish there was a finite process to clarity.

For me, writing helps.  There are lots of workshops here in the workshop section.  Hearing other peoples stories gives me validation and perspective.

How does your husband feel about this, are you able to talk about your mom with him?  Can you talk openly with your sister?  My sister is enmeshed with my mother so I don't even go there, but my boyfriend is a good sounding board for me.

[Islandgrl]

Hi lucky

Congratulations on your new son.  It's difficult to know what sort of relationship you want - it sounds like your mother is trying to create a bit of a drama to make herself the victim.  I don't know the details of your situation - If your situation is similar to mine, I know that although I don't enjoy spending time with my mother, I feel too guilty to cut off contact altogether.  Also I suppose in some ways I do still hope she she will change and be the mother I wanted,even though I know that wont happen.  I suppose it's hard to accept the truth - that'll only ever have the mother I have which in many ways is worse than no mother at all.  Then sometimes i think im making too much of it all tho i think rationally that im not. So it's murky in my mind too!

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your husband and that this is obviously the most influential relationship for your son.  I would be wary of letting your mother cause problems in your relationship and try to make clear to her that she can't come between you and your husband.  Easier said than done with someone with BPD tho. 

[chriskell]

Congratulations on your new baby! I related to everything you said about your mom and husband. My oldest child is a teenager, so I started dealing with these issues years ago. I don't think the same solutions work for everyone, so I will not try to tell you what you should do. For me, the solutions have changed over time, so I do think it helps to be flexible as the need arises. I feel for my mom, but I have chosen to put my loyalty to my husband and my family unit as a whole above those feelings. I know my mom would prefer if I would plan family events for her to participate in without my husband, but I don't do it. I will take her to lunch by myself sometimes, but if she wants to enjoy family events, she has to come and be polite to my husband (I don't invite her to everything by any means either). Also, since I don't have my mom around my kids without my husband or I present, having both of us present is even better supervision.

My husband used to offer to leave the house for a few hours so my mom could come over on certain days with him gone, but I never chose that route. He may have really wanted me to! I am guided primarily by what I feel is right for my children and myself, and then I just ignore my mother's reactions. It was difficult at first, but now the ignoring is second nature and I think my mom gets that. I think she gets that she has to be respectful to my family if she is going to be around them. Not all BPD family members respond that way though.

Don't be too hard on yourself with the clarity. That's tough even without a newborn baby. The moments of clarity will come. Enjoy that baby . . . .