Thanks guys. I know i didnt go into much detail with my opening post but i think its important for newcomers to this site to read stories like mine.
I thought like so many on here, that id met my soulmate. The one id been waiting my entire life for. She was gorgeous, funny, caring and sweet. How could i NOT fall for her? We'd only been together 3 weeks n i'd pretty much moved in with her & her 2 daughters. I was loving it! Going home to her every night was amazing! I had my share of
but nothing was gonna stand in the way of the "love" we both confessed to share! But as the r/s grew so did her deepest fears. Every lovely weekend together was followed up with her raging at me over something petty. None of it made any sense!
When i stormed out the house that final night i had no idea what affect it was going to have on me long-term. I believed getting away from her selfishness, her mood swings, her manipulation and her blame shifting was the best decision for me n my future. 4 days after that night i was really starting to miss her but despite numerous attempts to win her back, she'd convinced herself we were "incompatible" and completely cut me out her life. This nearly destroyed me. Even though i knew there was something "different" about her and that she had a timebomb personality, i was totally besotted by her. i had fallen so deeply for this woman.
Things you take for granted like eating and sleeping became impossible for me. i started drinking heavily - i was in total shock! How could we go from being so in love to all of a sudden, silence... . ? To give you a clue as to how badly i took it, i literally didnt eat a proper meal until mid july - over 2 months after the break-up! I couldnt concentrate on anything apart from her. i couldnt look after my 6 year old son without bursting into tears, i was a mess! I went to the docs and he gave me anti-depressant tablets but i continued to self-medicate through alcohol and never actually took them. I just kept thinking to myself - take everyday as it comes, you know deep down that she is toxic and things wouldve gotten worse if we'd stayed together. 6 weeks after the split she announces on facebook that shes in another relationship. I was devastated, but it kinda proved to me just how screwed up she was. I'd already started googling her behaviour and had come across personality disorders but this definately made me realise what i had been living with. All of a sudden it made sense to me. The confusion and desperate need for closure eased from within me. I'd been dealing with a narcissistic woman (probably) with BPD.
Like i stated previously, it took me months to start to believe things would get better. That i could ever get through this depression i had fallen into. But through educating myself on BPD/NPD etc and also through keeping busy - ie socialising, gym, football, things gradually improved. She was starting to become a distant memory and i couldnt hear her voice anymore. i could actually sit n talk to another woman without my ex popping into my head and finally in january i had sex with another woman
. I honestly thought i may never have sex with anyone else after my uBPDex but i did it haha.
Now im not gonna sit hear n tell you how amazing my life is or how incredibly happy i am right now, but what i will tell you is that I GOT MY LIFE BACK! To me giving up was never an option. Im not saying i didnt consider suicide cos it did cross my mind through those dark dark days, but i kept believing that one day the old me would come back and im so proud of myself today to say - here i am!
For those new to this wonderful site, i know how tremendously painful it is what you are feeling right now, but things WILL get better for you. Do everything you need to do for yourself and take your grieving one day at a time! None of us deserved this in our lives but that sure as hell doesnt mean we should let it ruin us!
