Big improvement... then CRASH

[byasliver]

I haven't posted in several days because after a horrible weekend a week ago, it seemed uBPDh had a breakthrough and things were soo much better. But things didn't go this week like he thought and now we're right back to his being a complete *ss! None of the tools are even working! Yes, I'm taking care of me but nothing is preventing his outbursts this time. He screamed and cursed at my daughter today because she was listening to music in her bathroom. He screamed and cursed at our son last night because he (son) threw away the leftover supper he didn't want. Then uBPDh told S6 that he'd make sure he had the worst weekend ever! Right now uBPDh is yelling at S6 because he (h) is trying to nap (he slept till 9am) and S6 won't be still on the bed-S6 is watching tv in that room because uBPDh makes him feel bad if he leaves! I'm so at a loss.

Things were 1000 times better this week until yesterday. No outbursts, he even cleaned house, did laundry & cooked supper on Thursday-after being together for almost a decade, that was a first. But then it was like he just snapped last night and now, like I said, none of the tools are even working. Everything is met with anger or completely ignored. Today he was even doing things intentionally that he knew would irritate me! I just cannot even put into words how dumbfounded I am.

I've got to come up with a plan of action but I just don't even know where to begin.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

byasliver, can you pack up your children and take them to the park or something?  His reality right now (angry and lashing out) needn't be the rest of the family's at the moment

I'm sorry this is going on, just when things kinda evened out a bit... .    Have you read about 'extinction bursts'?

Take good care of yourself and your children

[byasliver]

<jaw dropped> I had previously read about extinction bursts but couldn't quite wrap my brain around the idea. Now I completely get it and it makes perfect sense! He (uBPDh) didn't get his way this week so now he's having a tantrum. My oldest daughter (who is now a wonderful young woman) was quite a challenge as a baby/toddler. What finally helped was reading a book called "Living with an Active Alert Child". It is all about setting boundaries for attention seeking behavior. I talked with my T about it last week but then forgot because things were going so much better. Going to look it up again now!

Btw, two of my daughters have already left for the weekend, the other one is on her way out the door now. Not much I can do about my son at the moment. If I tried to leave with him, it would send uBPDh into an even bigger rage. And, yes, I have spoken with authorities: unless my uBPDh actually physically hurts one of us or specifically threatens to do so, there is nothing that can be done. To be clear, I asked, "So, you (authorities) will not take action until there is an expressed threat to harm or once the harm has already been done?" The answer: "Correct."

[byasliver]

Oh, and as for me, I have a room in our attic where I can go to "get away" but with our paper thin walls, I can still hear uBPDh and know if he's raging. However, his rages are usually directed at me and my daughters. With us out of his hair, hopefully, this will pass quickly.

[byasliver]

Grrrrrr! I can't find my copy of the book but I did find a great synopsis online:www.uwex.edu/ces/flp/curriculum/spiritedchild/... .  /pr4_complete.pdf

It really sounds like "active alert" children who don't get the appropriate boundaries & direction might be the ones who grow to be BPD. Not in ANY way saying that BPD can be prevented or is caused by "bad" parenting. Just that the traits are so similar.

[jedicloak]

It's always good when you post as I am happy to hear your updates.

I definitely can understand your frustration... .  just when you saw signs of improvement... .  grrr. I hate the raging going on around me - at times like that, I just want to jump into my escape pod and jettison away from the ship 

It sounds like you have some good tools and resources which I also looked up and plan to read more about. Keep doing what you're doing - stay out of the fray and keep us updated. We care! 

[byasliver]

jedicloak!   How are YOU? Yes, staying out of the fray. No words to describe how much I value my hideaway space! Right now, I'm just bracing for the confrontation I know is coming, practicing validating scenarios in my mind so I'm prepared and fighting every nerve in my body to keep from just telling him, ":)rop the p*ssy attitude or get out!"... .  ah, but threats and ultimatums never work. Yes, Grrrr! Oh, and I'm counting the days till I see my T again (3). Never thought I'd be that way about therapy but it is my biggest sanity saver right now.

Speaking of sanity savers, does anyone know if there is an online chat room for Non's? That would be so valuable!

[byasliver]

Felt so much more at peace about things last night only to wake this morning with questions: what is the "end" of an extinction burst? Do they just start acting "normal" again? How do I know when it's over?

Right now I can hear my uBPDh with our son and I'm debating what I should do. H is angry with S6 one minute then playing/laughing the next then angry again. I just heard S6 say something about leaving the room to say good morning to me and H told him that if he left he would turn off the movie S6 is watching: that is typical when he is in these "moods"-he does little things like that to keep S6 from leaving his presence and interacting with me and his sisters. He says he's just being practical (I'm not going to leave the tv on if he's not in here watching it.) He totally denies that he is manipulating our son. If it's not the t, it's "I won't play with you anymore" or "I'm going to play with the dog instead." This only happens when he's in these dark moods and he does similar things to the rest of us. My D16 was watching tv in the living yesterday afternoon but left for just a moment to check her laundry. H walked through the living room in that brief moment and turned everything off: the light, the tv, her laptop. She was cooking the evening before: boiling water for mac & cheese. H went into the kitchen, told her the water was boiling. She said, "ok, I'll be there in a minute." Our kitchen is very small & when H is in there, he takes up as much space as possible so D16 was just waiting for him to finish before she went in to finish her mac & cheese. Well, when he left & she went in there, she discovered that he had turned off the stove burner! She had to start over bringing the water to a boil!

I know I should probably sit my older kids down and explain the need to ignore uBPDh's negative behaviors... .  but, although they are teens, they are still kids and it seems so unfair for THEM to have to be understanding of HIM who is an adult.

And then there is his ever present rationalizing: I'll get blamed for what's going on now because he'll say he was angry because I am avoiding him. Nevermind that I began avoiding him because he was raging. Nevermind that I reached out to him at the beginning of this offering to listen to why he was upset (he ignored that). I know I really need to be practicing handling those scenarios (in my mind before they are reality) with SET and validation but... .  grrr! I just want to enjoy a lazy Sunday. It's chilly, windy, rainy here today-perfect day for staying wrapped in a blanket watching good movies or reading good books. You know... .  screw it! I AM going to enjoy today! If he wants to be a sourpuss, so be it. He has every right to ruin his own day but I won't let him ruin mine!

[byasliver]

OMG! I need to breathe! uBPDh finally spoke to me this evening and despite my using SET, validation, etc. he was still so very dysregulated. It was just over ordering pizza for dinner and even when I agreed to order the way he wanted, he completely shut me out. Told me to order for myself and my daughters and he'd order something else for himself and our son. His "reasoning" was that he didn't want to have to worry about "pleasing" us. I replied that I understand it can be difficult with such a crowd but that if he would place the order, I'd let him order from wherever he chose but if he wanted me to place the order, I'd order from my fave place. This was via text because we are on different floors of the house but I added smilies and "'s" to make my positive mood clear. But after that he just shut down. I even tried to say again that I know he's been upset since Friday and I would really like to hear him out and work on it. He denied that he's been upset at all! Just now typing this, I heard him yell at our son to not leave the bedroom where they are at. I am FUMING! If he wants to isolate himself that's one thing but to do that to our son is simply unacceptable! I have to deal with this but I need to be calm first. I know he is just trying to push my buttons but this is ridiculous! This is what I meant about the tools not working. If I ignore him, he approaches me and starts something. I try to defuse it using the tools but it doesn't work! It's like he is just hellbent to fight right now no matter what! THIS is what I can't deal with. I can take everything else but not this. I am not a confrontational person at all and HATE to argue. Really confused at this point.

[byasliver]

Ok, so I at least did this much: took LOTS of deep breaths then went to the bedroom and told uBPDh in a very calm but firm voice, "He IS allowed to leave this room." Our son looked up and said, "Me?" and I said, "Yes, you. You have every right to leave this room if you want." D6 smiled and said, "Yay!" I smiled at him, gave him a wink, shut the door and walked away. Eating some yummy pizza now, watching a cute movie... .  and, frankly, waiting for the proverbial ___ to hit the fan :-/

[zaqsert]

I'm sorry you're having to put up with your uBPDh being so dysregulated right now.  It's tough, especially since you are not confrontational.  I can relate.  I prefer to leave things resolved (which doesn't happen all that often with my uBPDw) and for most of my life have been uncomfortable with confrontation. 

  I thought you did GREAT with getting yourself centered (lots of deep breaths) and getting your son out of the room!  It sounds like you felt good about it too, which is good.  There are times when I also struggle with how to help my D2, and as much as I don't want to undermine my uBPDw's parenting, sometimes I just feel that I need to step in and give my D2 an easy exit.

I'm sure you know this, but just in case it helps... .    When your h starts to pick his next confrontation, remember that you get to choose what you do.  And it's ok if you choose to walk away from the rage/accusation/yelling/<fill in the blank>.  That's your choice over something that only you have control over.  No one else gets a say over what you choose to do.  They can ask and propose, but they don't get to decide for you.

[byasliver]

Thanks, zaqsert. Really wishing there was a chat room right now. Things are getting worse. He's making unreasonable demands & accusations and I'm really scared. S6 is here in the attic with me and I just told my two daughters to come up. Basically, I told H his threats would no longer be tolerated. He is making threats about $. I told him that morally & legally I have a right to have a say about how $ is spent in this family and if he disagreed and did not want to discuss it, it was time for him to leave and we'd let a judge sort it out. He is soo dysregulated! When S6 came up here, I got an earful about the terrible things uBPDh has been telling him about us.

Oh, and I did not make S6 leave the room. Just made it clear that it was HIS choice. It was only a couple of minutes later that he left the room on his own and came to be with me. Ironically, I won't let him leave me right now because of H's irrational behavior! Haven't had to say that, though. S6 is happily engrossed in watching a movie. I'm kinda hoping he falls asleep soon so there won't even be a reason for him to leave me.

[zaqsert]

That sounds so uncomfortable, byasilver.

Sorry, I miscommunicated when I wrote "getting your son out of the room".  I understood that you made it clear that it was his choice.  Or, to put it another way, that you showed him that he had the choice to leave the room.

It is really great that you are providing as safe a place as you can for your kids, and with your D6 with you.

For what it's worth, when my wife got waaaay dysregulated earlier this year, I think it was a bad extinction burst.  It felt like it lasted forever.  I think it may have been a few weeks.  In the end I think it helped to ignore as many threats, accusations, and attacks as much as I could.  It was hard, though, to remind myself each time that she would probably change her mind soon after her mood changed.  Also, as I think Waverider pointed out recently (I hope I'm not misattributing this one), if we challenge the pwBPD's distorted thoughts, they could get more entrenched because they feel they have to defend them.  I saw this with my uBPDw in the past, where it would baffle me that she would hold on so strongly to a totally distorted perception.

I realize it's a really fine line, and in the moment it can be hard to recognize which things are boundary-breaking and need to be stopped and which ones are better to be ignored so as not to take the bait.

It's getting pretty late over here.  Sorry, I'll be leaving the pseudo chat room to others in closer time zones.  Hang in there, and let us know how you're doing.  

[byasliver]

He is dysregulated but will act on threats if I ignore them. I also made it clear that I love him dearly and am still committed to our r/s but just will not remain so if certain behaviors continue. I haven't been downstairs but my D13 said the bedroom is dark. Looks like uBPDh is either losing himself in his video game or went to bed. Either way, he is self-soothing which is positive. Looks like the storm has passed for the night.

Thanks for "chatting" zaqsert. I'm going to cuddle with my kiddos while we watch "Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs".  Enjoying the peace while we have it.

[jedicloak]

Wow - that has got to be so unnerving that all of you are huddled in the attic while the H is having a giant tantrum! So sorry you and the kids are in that situation - especially when it has nothing to do with you - nothing. It's all about him and his issues... .  so sad.  :'(

[zaqsert]

Glad to hear the storm seems to have passed for the night.  I hope it stays that way.  Enjoy the peace and your kiddos!

[martillo]

Awwww, sorry you are going through this.  I don't have any great suggestions.  Sounds like you are doing every thing you can, given the circumstances, to protect your kiddos and yourself.  :)oes your H respond to food?  I know you all just had pizza, but my H has a food obsession and if I make him a little goodie (cupcake, cookies, etc) he may not initially calm down, but it usually sort of brings him out of his "mood." Manipulative?  Maybe a little... .  Rewarding bad behavior?  Our dog trainer would says so... .  but sometimes you do what you have to do to get through the day!

[byasliver]

The kids think this is fun... .  like camping. There is actually a big space up here. The issue I'm having now is that it's almost TOO much fun! Can't get S6 settled so he'll go to sleep! I really think uBPDh went to sleep and tomorrow morning, I'll be busy getting the kids off to school then before I get back, uBPDh should leave for his T appt. Soo, that's about 15 hours of nearly certain peace. Who knows what happens after that but the kids will be at school most of the day then we have some things to do in the evening. Hopefully, either his T will help regulate him some or we will be too busy to "bother" him.