Explaining my absence to non-enmeshed family

[nomom4me]

I've been having a so-far light and friendly conversation on facebook with a cousin by marriage.  She did not grow up in my family but has been around my mother for many years. I've been almost-no contact with my mom over the last year+.  I've tried to limit contact to phone, my mom is punishing me for that by excluding me from family events and this relative is asking if I'll be at any family stuff over the summer.  I'm pretty sure extended family realizes that there is something not right with my mother, I moved away from family when I was young and have had my own life without enmeshment since my late teens.

I truly think my cousin means well, and is reaching out to me personally.  I don't think my mom set her up to this or is reading over her shoulder (as is the case whenever my enmeshed sister contacts me). I think I should give my cousin some kind of honest answer without giving her too much information.  I do hope my mom runs out of fuel on her "lets be facebook friends" campaign.  I have no intention of giving my mom that kind of access to my personal and professional networks (unless she gets into therapy and I doubt that will happen).  I think it's best for everyone to just avoid the topic of facebook, but of course... .  this cousin contacted me on facebook. 

I'd like to say something to the tune of "I hope communication improves with my mom, till then I am avoiding drama and in the interest of that I suggest you don't mention to my mom or sister that we communicate on facebook or photosharing". 

The facts are, I've called my mom twice this year and she has not called me once.  She has screwed up my relationships with siblings because she asks them to relay messages (my sister did her own show of dysfunction on facebook aside from the triangulation) my mom was blocked from email because she was emailing me emotional messages after being asked several times to stop, she was averaging a dozen emails to every phone call.  I had to move my public blog when odd comments popped up after email blocking my mom.  I don't think my cousin needs to know any of that but I would like to convey that I have serious and real reasons for refusing facebook contact with my mom.  My family sees very few updates, I have heath issues and I hate to pull the "health card" but I could say I'm not on facebook much due to my health and avoid going into details. 

I think it's important to keep it short and sweet, I know I can't tell other people what to do and my boundaries are for me but I truly think it's best for everyone (my cousin, my mother and me) if we all avoid the topic of online contact when talking to my mom or sister.  I do think they will eventually get over it and move on to trying to control someone/something else. 

[GeekyGirl]

Are you worried about judgement from your relatives because you aren't attending family events, or do you feel like you're missing out by not seeing them? Is your cousin asking you to contact your mother over FB? I'd just say something to the effect of, "I won't be at XXX, but maybe you and I could catch up another time." Chances are, your cousin already knows that something isn't right between you and your mother and may be curious, but if you're not comfortable getting into details, I'd keep it simple and factual, and leave it at that.

The thing about Facebook is, anyone who can see your information/photos could share it. My mother isn't quite as... .  um... .  intrusive as some of the mothers here, but I can understand the want to keep things private. My new policy is that I don't share anything that I wouldn't want my parents, my boss, or my yoga teacher (yup, I'm FB friends with all of them) to see. Anything "private" gets shared with specific people through private FB messages or in another private (e-mail, text) way.

[nomom4me]

Thanks for the response, GeekyGirl

The cousin who contacted me is a mother, and lost her mother a few years ago.  I've been painted as having "cut my mother off" because I don't want any non-consecutive contact with her.  I've watched her spin her webs for enough years that I know it's better to have a clear conversation that ends than it is to provide my mom with a soapbox to stand on - that is what email became.

My fear is that my cousin will mention casually that she saw something I posted on photosharing and my mom will jump to the defensive.  Historically, my mom has a tendency to make stuff up when she is on the defensive, I can only imagine what kind of elaborate mural she has painted over my simple request that she reach me by phone rather than writing out her thoughts, feelings, and whatever plans she is making on my behalf.

My mom and sister are now blocked on facebook for good reason, they are hurt - I don't know exactly how that gets expressed but I can imagine it's not pretty and I think it's best for everyone to just avoid the topic. I'm sure my cousin would not feel good about if if her daughter wanted no online contact with her - I don't feel great about the fact that my mother ignores my health problems, I just want to avoid that line of reasoning.  I also don't want to hear anything along the lines of "your mom is getting old, you could loose her... .  ".   Timing is so close to mothers day, I'm trying to avoid saying anything that might activate feelings of loss for my cousin related to the loss of her own mothers.

[Clearmind]

I'd like to say something to the tune of "I hope communication improves with my mom, till then I am avoiding drama and in the interest of that I suggest you don't mention to my mom or sister that we communicate on facebook or photosharing".  

Do you need to say anything nomom4me? You are right, boundaries protect you - you cannot control your cousin and what they do – it’s triangulating - which is what you are wanting to avoid.

In the interest of you moving forward without drama would it not be best to avoid the justification, explaining to cousin?

[nomom4me]

Thanks for the response, Clearmind.  As my mom has told all family that I have cut her off, I think it is important for me to give an answer - this relative invited me to a summer event, I won't be there because my mom probably will. I think I can explain my position without getting into justification.  I think this cousin is simply reaching out, I just don't want to say anything that will trigger her feelings of loss for her own mom.

I talked to my therapist about it, she has been encouraging me to reach out to family members who are not enmeshed.  She thinks my mothers behavior (particularly towards me) is odd enough that other people notice.  My therapist thinks I should write sooner rather than later, having something like this hanging creates anxiety. I don't think this woman wants to get between me and my mother, and I think letting her know what a hot topic facebook is for her is everyone's best interest.  My mom is not fun when she is on the defensive, she swears like a sailor - my cousin has probably caught glimpses of it, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to expose her kids to one of my moms defensive fits.  I'd like to avoid another round of online stalking, my mother doesn't currently know about my photosite and I would not put it past her to register an account on the service so she can reach me online.

This is what I have so far, I would like to send it to my cousin tomorrow;


Thanks for the invite, we'll keep X on the radar for next spring.  Honestly, between my health and my boyfriends work we almost always travel last minute, it's been a particularly busy year for BF.

I don't think I will make it to X this summer, it's been a rough couple years with my mom since grandmas passing.  I'm not facebook friends with my mom, she has a tendency to send me emotional emails and has not respect my request that she reach me by phone rather than writing her feeling out.  It's probably best for you (and the sensitive ears of your kids) not to mention that we communicate on facebook or photosharing.  I'm hoping communication between my mom and I improves.  Facebook is a work tool for me and I try to be clear about that with my mother.



I close with a short paragraph asking about her family, feedback appreciated.