Feeling like I'm abandoning her

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My stbxBPD wife threatened divorce so many times

It started before we were even married (LOL).

I always tried to ignore it and after over 25 years of threatening divorce, she finally moved out without me chasing her,telling her I'm sorry, and negotiating her return. (that was almost 1 year ago)

It was a little tough at first but it did get easier as I learned about BPD.

She initiated the divorce, but now I am the one that is pushing her to go through with it.

It felt so good to finally tell her to "do it".

I felt bad about the divorce, but I also felt soo good at the same time because I wasn't walking on eggshells every minute anymore.

If she is here for some reason, and she starts to get angry, she can just leave now.

It was such a good feeling knowing that she couldn't threaten me with divorce or take our kids away from me anymore... .

(they are older teenagers now)

That was a relief, but I still feel sorry for her because when she was good, she was a good person... .  

But when I look back I realize that she wasn't really good to me... . she was nice to everyone around me, but not me.

Then when she would be exhausted from bending over backwards for others to prove how "wonderful" she was , she would use it against me and scream at me how she was doing this all for me... .

It seems as though she wanted everyone else to see how warm and wonderful she was, but when it came to me, she hated me.

It was like I was the one responsible for her to work so hard to seek praise and approval from others, and because "she was doing it all for me" In her mind and in her mind it was ok to blow out all her frustration on me.

We still have daily contact because of the kids, but there are no romantic feelings and the contact is only when necessary.

She never asks me if there is anything she can do for me, but I am still helping her transition in any way I can.

I feel It is the right thing to do, and I also feel that it will help avoid any backlash from her if I help her re-establish herself a little, before letting her go.

(like when you catch and release a fish... . you don't just throw it back in, you hold it in your hand, and let it acclimate before letting it go)

I know I will benefit if she were to find another guy, but I am a little torn with that thought.

I know I have to learn to accept that as well, but I would like the divorce to be finalized before that happens because I don't need an outsider telling her how to screw me in the divorce.

(I want to be fair, I know that this new person will have a lot of influence on her in the beginning of the relationship)


The one time she did speak to a counselor, she described her life to the counselor the way SHE perceived it, and naturally the counselor validated to her that I was didn't love or appreciate her enough and the failed marriage was my fault... .

I really think she knows that there is something wrong with her, but she just doesn't have it in her to admit or accept it enough in order to seek proper help.

we were married 25 years, and I do Love her, but I just couldn't take the mental abuse anymore, so I am "letting her go".

Because I helped shelter her outbursts from others and helped her manage a pretty good life for the last 25 years, I feel like I was her "caregiver" and now I feel like I am "abandoning my patient"

Does anyone else feel like this?

[NonBPDSpouse]

My stbxBPD wife threatened divorce so many times

It started before we were even married (LOL).

I always tried to ignore it and after over 25 years of threatening divorce, she finally moved out without me chasing her,telling her I'm sorry, and negotiating her return. (that was almost 1 year ago)

It was a little tough at first but it did get easier as I learned about BPD.

She initiated the divorce, but now I am the one that is pushing her to go through with it.

It felt so good to finally tell her to "do it".

I felt bad about the divorce, but I also felt soo good at the same time because I wasn't walking on eggshells every minute anymore.

If she is here for some reason, and she starts to get angry, she can just leave now.

It was such a good feeling knowing that she couldn't threaten me with divorce or take our kids away from me anymore... .

(they are older teenagers now)

That was a relief, but I still feel sorry for her because when she was good, she was a good person... .  

But when I look back I realize that she wasn't really good to me... . she was nice to everyone around me, but not me.

Then when she would be exhausted from bending over backwards for others to prove how "wonderful" she was , she would use it against me and scream at me how she was doing this all for me... .

It seems as though she wanted everyone else to see how warm and wonderful she was, but when it came to me, she hated me.

It was like I was the one responsible for her to work so hard to seek praise and approval from others, and because "she was doing it all for me" In her mind and in her mind it was ok to blow out all her frustration on me.

We still have daily contact because of the kids, but there are no romantic feelings and the contact is only when necessary.

She never asks me if there is anything she can do for me, but I am still helping her transition in any way I can.

I feel It is the right thing to do, and I also feel that it will help avoid any backlash from her if I help her re-establish herself a little, before letting her go.

(like when you catch and release a fish... . you don't just throw it back in, you hold it in your hand, and let it acclimate before letting it go)

I know I will benefit if she were to find another guy, but I am a little torn with that thought.

I know I have to learn to accept that as well, but I would like the divorce to be finalized before that happens because I don't need an outsider telling her how to screw me in the divorce.

(I want to be fair, I know that this new person will have a lot of influence on her in the beginning of the relationship)


The one time she did speak to a counselor, she described her life to the counselor the way SHE perceived it, and naturally the counselor validated to her that I was didn't love or appreciate her enough and the failed marriage was my fault... .

I really think she knows that there is something wrong with her, but she just doesn't have it in her to admit or accept it enough in order to seek proper help.

we were married 25 years, and I do Love her, but I just couldn't take the mental abuse anymore, so I am "letting her go".

Because I helped shelter her outbursts from others and helped her manage a pretty good life for the last 25 years, I feel like I was her "caregiver" and now I feel like I am "abandoning my patient"

Does anyone else feel like this?

[marbleloser]

I felt this way at first,but then I just threw her back in. Sink or swim.It's all up to her and she's an adult,not a fish.Some fish don't appreciate the effort and will fin you when they're eased back into the water.I got tired of being finned.

[LoveNotWar]

You have been her caretaker for 25 years, how do you just stop doing that when its been a part of your life and, probably, shaped who you are today?

Of course you still feel responsible for her. It's what you've done for a long time, it's ingrained.

But you are moving on now... .  and so should she... .  it's not healthy for either of you if she remains dependent on you.

If you continue to caretake she won't have the opportunity to grow stronger and you won't have the opportunity to detach and move forward with your life.

You DESERVE the opportunity to find peace and to do for yourself.   

[heartandwhole]

If you continue to caretake she won't have the opportunity to grow stronger and you won't have the opportunity to detach and move forward with your life.