Do they stop trying to recycle when the realize they can't manipulate you anymor

[Confused69]

Just curious.  Been nc now for 5 weeks.  I moved out on her almost 7 weeks ago.  The last time we talked she seemed very caring and loving. I even felt we would get back together.  But she asked me to pay her electric bill and water bill. Since I had just recently moved out she said it was for the time I was there.  I told her I would split it with her.  She was ok with that.  She was even telling me how much she missed me and loved me.  Felt god to know she missed me.

Well I wasn't able to meet her that day (fri) to give her the money.  I was going out of town and told her I'd give it to her Sunday. Well this was not acceptable.  She flipped and told me we should just lose each others number.  I couldn't believe it. So I just stopped texting her and told her to lose my number as well. 

My question is , do they ever realize when they can't manipulate u anymore and finally just give up?  Have I been painted black permanently? I figured when she couldn't get the money when she said , she decided that was it. Like she was testing me one last time.  I haven't heard a peep from her this whole time and it really don't bother me like it has in the past.  So do they ever really just move on?

[cska]

That is a great question. I was wondering exactly the same thing.

[Surnia]

Could be or not, only time can tell!

Continue to stand your ground!   

And sometimes it could be easier to sent the money per banking... .   

[WillSurvive420]

its hard to predict, bc every BPD patient is different. I dont know if they withdraw if they knew they were on to them(esp if there in denial about their disease) For my exgfWBPD, she knew i wouldnt put up with her BS anymore, plain and simple. since then, she hasnt tried to manipulate me like she had the two weeks after we broke up... .  hot and cold hot and cold. I hate you, but stay in my life!

[Clearmind]

Borderlines are boundary-less and I soon realized that if I stopped "doing" and "giving" my ex drifted further away. I guess for me it came down to burn out. I burnt myself out trying to please and in the end... .  I became boundary-less too.

I have a very firm boundary now about money, how much I do and don't do! What are some boundaries you could set for future relationships/friendships.

[Confused69]

Thanks for the advice.  I am not gonna pay her at all bec I feel like I paid plenty the whole 9 yrs I was with her.  This last time I lived with her I paid the rent by myself and she never gave me a key as it was only under her name.  I guess I got burned out as well.  So I moved on and have my own apartment now.

I know many times before I thought it was over and it wasn't.  I know for me it's over but I still have this strong feeling she will be back to try and recycle me.  It's been the pattern but there has to be a time that they just stop and find another person, right?

[Billa]

I think you're quite right, but another way to say the same thing could be that when they understand that they are too exposed, that they have shown their real self to the point they can no longer hide it, they decide to split up and stop trying to re-cycle. To cope with our damaged image of them would mean to cope with their damaged inner self. My ex-bf had always told me that he didn't want to have quarrels and that when in a r/s they appeared, he preferred to break it up, because he couldn't stand it. As a matter of fact, he used the word "quarrels" to refer to the fact that when a woman was contrasting too much his ill behavior (that is to say, to call things with its name and finally  put strong  boundaries), he would finally dump her, probably in order not to face his problems.

[slimmiller]

I think you're quite right, but another way to say the same thing could be that when they understand that they are too exposed, that they have shown their real self to the point they can no longer hide it, they decide to split up and stop trying to re-cycle. To cope with our damaged image of them would mean to cope with their damaged inner self. My ex-bf had always told me that he didn't want to have quarrels and that when in a r/s they appeared, he preferred to break it up, because he couldn't stand it. As a matter of fact, he used the word "quarrels" to refer to the fact that when a woman was contrasting too much his ill behavior (that is to say, to call things with its name and finally  put strong  boundaries), he would finally dump her, probably in order not to face his problems.

Mine used to say, I wont fight, if we have to do that we will just break up. Fighting is stupid, no relationship is worth it.

Then she would complain because we didnt fight. Then the next day she would accuse me of something and start a fight... .  

Best way I found to hide from it was FOG. Now it is slowly lifting

[Clearmind]

pwBPD will stop recycling when

(1) we stop responding and realize we are better to work on ourselves

(2) when they no longer need us to fulfil their part time selves

(3) when a new person, who has no history/background on them catches their interest - new person to mirror.

We are mirrored until we are seen to have perceived flaws - we are no longer on that pedestal. Its really unfortunate that we are discarded when we no longer serve a purpose.

_____

Borderlines don't intentionally manipulate. You are best off researching BPD a little more and finding out the reasons why you attached to a unhealthy relationship.

[LosingIt2]

pwBPD will stop recycling when

(2) when they no longer need us to fulfil their part time selves

(3) when a new person, who has no history/background on them catches their interest - new person to mirror.

Aren't these the same thing since they always need another person to fulfill their part time selves? Whether it's you or someone else?

[DivDad]

Clearmind has the correct answer.

Blines will find a way to come back and back again.

Now that you have severed the cord... .  

Stay away.

You are the lucky one.

Don't EVER respond back to anything.  AndI mean anything.

Don't write that you will not respond back anymore.

Just don't write back.

Don't answer phone calls.

Don't respond to text messages.

Block the calls.

Do everything in your power to keep disconnected.

Blines know your weaknesses.  They will exploit it.

They prey on you.

Your job is to stay away... .  stay disconnected.  FOREVER.

[Clearmind]

Losing it - my ex never recycled and he discarded the relationship without having another attachment.

[Confused69]

ok clearmind.  maybe not manipulated , but I did feel used, unappreciated , taken for granted,  and a whole lot of other things.  I am seeing my counselor again and im really trying to get out of this vicious cycle Ive been in with her.  Its been over 9 years and im so tired of it.   I finally left again after living with her and trying to make it work.  We made it 7 months.  I finally had to admit to myself that I was just miserable with her.  She was very attractive and fun to be with.  But even that wasn't worth what I went thru.   It took me a long time to get to this point and I want to keep moving forward without her.  The only thing im wanting to know is, do they ever give up?  I guess I know the answer to that as I have read many stories on here and researched BPD on the internet.

I guess what Im more worried about is, "am I ready to let it end"?  Ive gotten to a point that im doing very well unlike times past.  Im not depressed and I still have my appetite.  Things are so different this time.  Im not even worried about what shes doing or who shes seeing.  I think ive just finally had enough.  Im just afraid to have to deal with her again if  I were to run into her.  I know im not well but im well on my way.  I know im not strong enough to resist her yet, so that is my biggest fear.  She seems to always pop up when im feeling better and getting on with my life.  Has anyone here had a relationship with a BPD that lasted many years then just finally really end.  I know its up to me to end this and I am.  But I need her to leave me alone and stay out of my life.  Don't they ever get it?

[Clearmind]

ok clearmind.  maybe not manipulated , but I did feel used, unappreciated , taken for granted,  and a whole lot of other things.  

I can appreciate that Confused69 – I felt the same.

I am 2 years post break up now and in hindsight I see it a little differently to you. I feverishly attempted to please my partner rather than pausing and setting boundaries. I thought if I was little bit more perfect he would stop the abuse. Who has the choice here? I can choose to not please but rather stop and set boundaries to protect my values or continue to please them claim I was taken for granted - we cannot have it both ways.

Choice was mine – I chose to not set boundaries – pleasing and care taking was my weapon of choice. This was me re-running my childhood script to please my abusive parent.

I am seeing my counselor again and im really trying to get out of this vicious cycle Ive been in with her.  Its been over 9 years and im so tired of it.   I finally left again after living with her and trying to make it work.  We made it 7 months.  I finally had to admit to myself that I was just miserable with her.  She was very attractive and fun to be with.  But even that wasn't worth what I went thru.   It took me a long time to get to this point and I want to keep moving forward without her.  The only thing im wanting to know is, do they ever give up?  I guess I know the answer to that as I have read many stories on here and researched BPD on the internet.

Her giving up or not giving up will not help you to stay away/detach – getting to the root of the underlying hook is not about her. She fills a void/a need that you are unable to fulfil yourself. You base your self worth on her opinion of you/actions towards you.

Whether you stay or not – our partners are not responsible for how you conduct yourself in the relationship – you are solely responsible.

I guess what Im more worried about is, "am I ready to let it end"?  

This is a catch 22 question! You are never ready until you do it. If you don’t want to leave/you have reservations, your mind will tell you, you are not ready.

We need to reframe our thinking and not rely solely on willpower.

Ever tried to give up smoking! Your mind will bend reality if you are not aware.

But I need her to leave me alone and stay out of my life.  :)on't they ever get it?

You are wanting her to make the decision to end it so you don’t have to. Why? Is it so you don't blame yourself for not being able to save her for one and (2) so you don't feel like you failed - you didn't fail - you tried your best.

[Confused69]

ok clearmind.  im starting to get closer to what it is.  Ive heard , read and been told by shari shriver that it had to do with one of my parents.  First thing I thought was What the heck?   I come from a very loving family going back to my grandparents.  I was closer to my moms side since they lived in the same town.  My dads parents lived in the city.  My mom and dad are vey loving and are still together.  They argued just like most parents  but never spit up. 

The only thing I can think is that my mom was always the loving one that showed it everyday , every minute.  She still does.  My dad on the other hand , is and was a great provider for me and my siblings.  I never had a problem until I ended up with my UPBDexgf.   I can remember never getting any approval for anything I did from my father.   He was always proud and I know he loved me, but it was all said thru my mother.  He wasn't the father type that did fatherly things with me, well not that I can remember.   Maybe took me fishing once.  So I pretty much had to learn a lot on my own.  Kinda makes me sad sometimes but I don't like to feel sorry for myself.   We still have the same kind of relationship as far as communication goes but we are somewhat closer.  He loves me I know, and I love him.  He came from a broken home. His father was always with other women.  So he being the oldest of 9 kids, had to quit school and work to help support all his brothers and sisters.  They all graduated HS but him. 

SO now can you try to explain how my relationship with this woman has anything to do with my father?  Or is it my mother?  If you can shed some light on this so I can try to work on this in therapy, id apprecitate it    I fell in love with my Ex so I don't think anything really attracted me to her other than her beauty and her charming personality .  But I know now that was fake.  so im trying to connect the dots but I guess im not seeing it clearly  yet.  thank you

[Clearmind]

The fact you attached to a Borderline does not mean that you had an abusive childhood. Sometimes the reason can be blatant (I have a BPD parent) or it can be subtle.

Being a girl and having a BPD father – I was required to be silent and not have needs or have boundaries – you can appreciate this because you have been in a relationship with a Borderline. Same thing for me when I was a child. My father took up the entire house – my needs were negated.

My Dad loves me very much – however as an adult I learnt that needs got you into trouble. I became a rescuer/care taker in my romantic relationships - just like my Mom.

We learn our relationship skills from our parents. It’s possible you mirrored your Mom – the caretaker, home maker, peace keeper. Or Confused it could be cultural – culture has re-shaped what relationship dynamics. Men can feel the need to protect, care take. It can be what defines them.

Regardless of the reason, we need to reshape what love is, what it isn’t.

What do you think of your parents relationship dynamic – I did not grow up in your house!

[Mark2430]

Early on in my relationship with my ex the push/pull was relatively quick, but as things progressed and she didnt get the initial reaction she was looking for they became longer, the longest was a week when she told me during an argument that she hoped I die... .  And a week goes by and I get a text saying that no one will ever compare to me, I told her thanks and I love her and she has a special place in my heart and she responded by asking if that was closure for me ... .  I told her I wasn't going to put up with the name calling, accusations and drama and as long as she continued to do that I wouldn't be around, she responded by telling me the times we were together were amazing but she can't handle a guy getting cocky and she probably wasnt ever in love with me... .  So I told her take care and I have been no contact for 4 weeks, I read alot about BPDexs re-engaging but she hasn't and I don't anticipate she will she can find her supply elsewhere