Small Update... and my feelings now.

[LostSunshine]

Hi all,

My uBPDexgf completed her move out last wednesday, taking the kids with her for their first sleepover at her new apartment.  That was a very tough week for me as a lot of emotions were being experienced prior to and the day of the move.

The monday before the move, we went to lunch together and things got a little emotional for both of us.  Me, explaining what it will be like living without her now and how I've managed to not hold resentment or hate towards her, and her explaining her regrets for hurting me and apologizing for putting me through so much.  I found it odd that she seemed visibly shaken when I said I started to reach out to other women to seek companionship.  I was truly baffled by it.  Isn't she over me?  Hasn't she moved on?  Why would that bother her?  And why would she insist that I should heal first before trying to get over her with someone else?  (I had already decided that I'm really not ready to date yet, but I didn't need her to point that out to me.)

She got really emotional and concerned over losing me as a friend and someone she could remain close with.  I would like to believe that there is some truth there and her feelings are genuine in this regard.  But lessons on here, and my own experiences have taught me not to put too much stock in that possibility.

I couldn't help shedding a few tears when she completed the move, but surprisingly I've done a pretty good job keeping myself busy.  A plus being that I got offered a new job that will pay me the most money i've ever made and is a truly positive step in my career.  I'm so thankful for this in many ways:  1.  I feel a greater sense of financial security 2. It gives me something truly positive to focus on for MYSELF that has nothing to do with her.  3. It allows me to rejoin coaching our son's baseball team, which has also provided me with a lot of happiness.

I envisioned the transition being a lot harder than it has been.  Something we discussed on the day she moved out as we walked our dog one last time together.  Thanks to these new revelations, it's been much easier.  I miss her a lot, especially at night when I come home from work.  But i'm finding a lot of things to keep my attention and focus off of her and on me.  I'm worried about what will come still from her end when things start to really get rough for her financially, but i've got boundaries I will not cross.  I'm sticking to them.  I am firm in my belief that she must find her own way in life, without my support as a crutch.  She has a lot to learn about herself, while I have a lot to learn and re-learn about me.  I'm pretty excited about seeing where I go from here.  She'll be around and I still love her, but I'm starting to love myself more as well.

LS

[sad but wiser]

Hi Lostsunshine,

  It is good that you have something new and exciting to help occupy your time as you recover. I think she may want the security of thinking she could come back. 

[LostSunshine]

Hi Lostsunshine,

  It is good that you have something new and exciting to help occupy your time as you recover. I think she may want the security of thinking she could come back. 

I kind of thought that too.  We had to spend time together at a family function this weekend and she was walking right back into the familiar role.  She even tried to wrap her arm in mine when we were in public at our son's baseball game, much like a wife would a husbands.  Even at the movie theater, she made a point to make sure her seat was next to mine.

I'll be keeping a very close eye on her actions from here on out, as they will definitely speak louder and TRUER than her words ever have. 

She made a point to tell me she loved me when we hugged goodbye too.  Go figure.

I try and keep contact at a minimum now.  More like LC instead of NC because of kids. 

[sad but wiser]

I have that problem as well - the kids have kept the NC thing from being a possibility. You have a right to a life that is good.  You have a right to good mental and emotional health.  Other people, no matter how much we may love them, do not have the right to put us into a state of mental or emotional anguish.  Nor is it helping them to allow them to hide from life.  You are doing very well.  Keep it up!