More work on/for myself

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not quite sure what it is that I've said lately, but people (mostly on these boards) keep telling me to do more work on/for myself. I must be missing something here but I can't figure it out. I think I'm doing a lot for myself?

Here's some of the things I'm doing:

- reading about codependency, challenging my thinking on issues as they arise and going to support group meetings

- reading the information and threads on bpdfamily.com to learn coping skills and to help explain things to myself

- detaching from the negative behaviours and occasional verbal 'pushes' from my dBPDh

- getting lots of exercise

- starting to read more fiction again

- eating better

- calling and/or emailing friends when I'm feeling down or want to feel more 'connected'

- doing more things around the house for me (organizing the way I like, cleaning, etc)

- getting personal therapy appointments on an as-needed basis

- job hunting and networking

- getting some extra sleep in the mornings

Now, that said, I am still also doing things to try to smooth out my r/s. I try to minimize conflict or sources of stress. I have organized for us to see a T together. I am employing the lessons and tools from this site in my interactions with my H. You get the idea.

I feel really pressured to do 'more' for me. There seems to be some consensus that I'm not focused enough on my own 'issues'. To be honest, I feel really tired of working on myself. I'm sick of worrying about what I need to fix about myself. I can only do so many things for me - I'm already doing pretty much whatever I want, when I want. I'm weary of hearing that wanting my marriage to work means that I'm codependent. Sure, I'm codependent. I got that. I'm working on that. I've actually come a long way with that. But I still love my H and I'm not leaving him (at least not now) and my wanting him to be healthy and happy is NOT a sign of some illness on my part. And, no, that is NOT just denial - thank you very much.

Can someone explain what exactly I'm supposed to be doing? And can someone maybe also explain why I've suddenly gotten so irritable about this? Really, I'm usually a pretty calm person, but lately I'm ready to snap at the next person who demands that I do 'more' or take better care of myself. It's like I'm being pressured to become codependent... .  with myself?

[arabella]

I'm not quite sure what it is that I've said lately, but people (mostly on these boards) keep telling me to do more work on/for myself. I must be missing something here but I can't figure it out. I think I'm doing a lot for myself?

Here's some of the things I'm doing:

- reading about codependency, challenging my thinking on issues as they arise and going to support group meetings

- reading the information and threads on bpdfamily.com to learn coping skills and to help explain things to myself

- detaching from the negative behaviours and occasional verbal 'pushes' from my dBPDh

- getting lots of exercise

- starting to read more fiction again

- eating better

- calling and/or emailing friends when I'm feeling down or want to feel more 'connected'

- doing more things around the house for me (organizing the way I like, cleaning, etc)

- getting personal therapy appointments on an as-needed basis

- job hunting and networking

- getting some extra sleep in the mornings

Now, that said, I am still also doing things to try to smooth out my r/s. I try to minimize conflict or sources of stress. I have organized for us to see a T together. I am employing the lessons and tools from this site in my interactions with my H. You get the idea.

I feel really pressured to do 'more' for me. There seems to be some consensus that I'm not focused enough on my own 'issues'. To be honest, I feel really tired of working on myself. I'm sick of worrying about what I need to fix about myself. I can only do so many things for me - I'm already doing pretty much whatever I want, when I want. I'm weary of hearing that wanting my marriage to work means that I'm codependent. Sure, I'm codependent. I got that. I'm working on that. I've actually come a long way with that. But I still love my H and I'm not leaving him (at least not now) and my wanting him to be healthy and happy is NOT a sign of some illness on my part. And, no, that is NOT just denial - thank you very much.

Can someone explain what exactly I'm supposed to be doing? And can someone maybe also explain why I've suddenly gotten so irritable about this? Really, I'm usually a pretty calm person, but lately I'm ready to snap at the next person who demands that I do 'more' or take better care of myself. It's like I'm being pressured to become codependent... .  with myself?

[maria1]

Hi Arabella

Maybe it's not that you need to focus more on your own issues its that you need to focus less on your husband's?

Maybe you just need to stop wanting/ waiting for him to change? That's what jumps out at me from reading your posts. That's work in itself because wanting him to change for you to feel better can't work. Maybe that's why you're feeling angry?

Don't ask me how you stop wanting that; I did it by leaving (in more than one CD relationship) and with exBPD it's still taken me a year!

[catsprt]

Snapping is good, it sends a clear message that you do not want to be bothered or you do not wish any interference. Now for the reason of it, may be there is something that you would like to express and are not ready yet... .  kind regards

[arabella]

You're so concerned about your pwBPD and I totally understand that. But you can't be any good for him or your r/s until you get yourself straight.

We are saying it because we see in your writings what we once could not see in ourselves. It's hard to understand the need to work on yourself while also accepting that our partner is mentally ill. But even those whose partners have severe physical disabilities know the value of treating theirselves, too.

Ultimately, you have to help yourself.  The only way you can help your husband get better is if you get yourself together.

So those are just examples (not picking on the authors at all!) but that's sort of what I'm looking at. But I don't know what else to DO for myself? I could seriously cry I'm so frustrated - not by my pwBPD, but by whatever it is that I'm not getting. It makes me feel inadequate. Is that just a sign that I need to do more work?

Maria1 - you make some good points. I am not trying to make my H the focus per se, but I think that's what comes out in my posts? It's just that I don't really want a lot of extra input on my own issues right now (aside from this thread, obviously!) so my other threads are centred on what I think I need external input on. Of course, that's all anyone here sees. I tried to explain it, but perhaps I am not very clear. So maybe I'm not angry - maybe I'm frustrated?

I don't know if I'm waiting for him to change? I know I would like change but I don't think I'm holding my breath on that. I'm changing myself regardless - because I really have no choice and I'm sick of feeling out of control. You're right though, I think I may need to let go more re the outcome. It's hard. Thank you for that reminder - it's important.

catsprt - Given my response to maria1, I think you may be right too. It's the interference (very well intended) in my own treatment plan that I'm sort of balking at. Now I'm not sure if it's that I'm not ready to express something (maybe I don't even know?) or if it's that I'm trying and failing.

Sorry, I know I'm a little scattered here. I'm just trying to figure this out. Thanks for your help here!

[Cloudy Days]

This may have already been said but maybe you need to learn to detach a little more, not necisarily work on yourself more but learn how to not let what he does affect you so much. It's very hard, this is what I struggle with the most and I haven't really learned how to do it completley yet. The way I took it is that what my husband does has nothing to do with how he feels about me so I shouldn't get upset when he starts going off for the tenth time about something that isn't even an issue. Maybe you are comming off as trying to control your husband's emotions too much in your posts. You can't control how he feels so they tell you to just control how you feel or do more work on yourself. I did this a heck of a lot with my husband and I didn't even realize I was doing it.

Are you trying to make your husband be healthy and happy? maybe their point is that you can't control what he does, you can't force him to be happy or heathy so you just need to focus on you and he will improve too. In my expeirience this was true for me. Love him and support him, validate him but don't try to make him feel or do anything that he isn't doing himself. When I stopped trying to fix my husband things started getting better. 

[maria1]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong arabella, I think you love your husband and you don't want to face that it may be the end you are facing. Do you are trying everything pussible to make sure you've given it your all. That's admirable.

I can see you've done a lot of work on being independent of him and living your own life as much as you can. But you have said that the marriage is open more for him than for you. He was about to move in with his girlfriend.

You appear to take a hell of a lot of hurt from your husband. I think part of the dynamics of people saying work on you is that you seem unclear about your boundaries. You seem to move them about to suit him.

That's where I see some area of work that I think might help you. The difficulty in strengthening and really clarifying boundaries is that you may have to give up the relationship. My guess is that this is something you don't want to do so there is the resistance. I know you don't need me to tell you this- you've seen it happen probably a lot more and over a longer period of time than I have on these boards.

I hope I haven't overstepped here- you did ask and I'm being honest with what I see. I want you to be ok.

[Grey Kitty]

Arabella, I'm going to take this in a completely different direction... .  take a look down this path and decide if it is someplace you want to go or not.

In this thread you say you are "usually a pretty calm person" but you sound well... .  frustrated... .  somewhere between touchy and downright pissy... .  maybe even, dare I say it, angry?

How about exploring those feelings of anger a bit more. You just expressed some anger with what you're getting here on bpdfamily.com. You should have some with your H, given what he's been doing. You may have some at others too... .  I dunno, it is your anger, not mine!

Go ahead and let all that anger hang out here--As you examine it more clearly, you may find something that it is telling you.

[Clearmind]

arabella, your list is a good one! Kudos to you and all that you listed is what I did to work on myself.

What maybe missing is you believing that YOU are doing enough to help yourself! Self trust is key.

Your list are all “doing” things – pause and tap into your thinking/your inner critic and ask it why it keeps berating you for not doing enough – is it possible you are doing all you can and you need to be simply be OK with that?

Fairly full on book however I loved it Soul without Shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge Within

How about exploring those feelings of anger a bit more. You just expressed some anger with what you're getting here on bpdfamily.com. You should have some with your H, given what he's been doing. You may have some at others too... .  I dunno, it is your anger, not mine!

Go ahead and let all that anger hang out here--As you examine it more clearly, you may find something that it is telling you.

I agree! I found my anger – its OK to be angry and its OK to be frustrated. My childhood dictated that angry was not OK – it really is. Let go of your childhood script.

[arabella]

Lots of good stuff to think about! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (And, maria1, you are so far away from overstepping, the line isn't even in sight!)

I do need to detach more. But I fear I'm getting close to the boundary where I start to just give up on the r/s altogether though. There's a fine line and I'm getting a little wobbly. I can only detach so much before I just give up and decide it's over. That would bring a whole other dynamic to the work I need to do if I'm going to actually just leave. That isn't what I want right now. It just... .  isn't. This treading the line is tiring too.

I want my H to be healthy and happy, but that isn't realistic. He's never really been healthy or happy and nothing I do is going to make him that way. That much I do know. But I don't want to make it worse and I am having a hard time detaching from his accusations that things are my fault. I know logically that his depression, his being overwhelmed, his conflicting thoughts, aren't my fault. I know that. But then he gives examples of how I put pressure on him or how I do things that bother him and I start to think maybe some of it is my fault... .  I'm not perfect... .  And then I want to fix those things. I want to do better. But mostly it's impossible and I know it. Some of the complaints mirror my codependency issues, so those I am fixing anyway. I do sometimes get confused as to what's a legitimate complaint and what is just him being dysregulated - definitely something to work on there (the clarity issue).

You know what I really want? I want to attain enlightenment by being so 'zen' that nothing bothers me. I want to have the magical ability to detach from life and just float above everything while still being intimately connected with everything. Considering the number of people in the world who have ever attained enlightenment (especially randomly in the midst of a personal 'crisis', I'm not holding my breath, but it's a nice fantasy.

I was definitely not okay with H moving in with GF. That would have been a massive blow and I'm not sure I would've stuck around through that. Actually, something similar happened before and I did stick to my boundary and I refused to be in a r/s with him because of it. So I think I would have served him with papers over that. I hope I would have. Ugh! I'm annoyed that I can't even say for sure what I would have done.  Okay, good call there on the boundaries, maria1. *sigh*

Yup, I've been getting angry. It's unusual for me. It's throwing me off and I want to make sure I'm properly attributing it to its source. I'm not really comfortable with it and it's making me nervous. Obviously being disconnected from my own anger like this can't be helping. This is a FOO issue and I know it. Ugh.

So, what am I angry about? I think it's that I feel invalidated. Like nothing I do or feel is "right". I get it from my H, I get it here, I get it from my family. I'm fed up. I'm doing my effing best, dammit! I have no more fight left in me. This has to be enough because there is nothing else (or at least not right now there isn't). I feel like it's just more, more, more. Try harder, harder, harder. I can't. All I want to do is run away and hide and cry right now (err, okay, so it's a bad night as I type this). I feel... .  like I'm not good enough... .  And now someone is going to jump in and tell me that I need to work on this. I need to feel good about myself. I need to self-validate. I need to detach and not be codependent. No one else can make me feel better about myself. It's all about self-love. YES. Thank you. I read the memo. But it's very hard to feel good about oneself when one is told at every turn that they aren't doing it properly, they aren't doing the right things, they're messing it up, focusing on the wrong issues, need to try harder, do more work... .  And when I suggest that I think I'm doign my best, I'm told I'm wrong - I'm in denial! Then I start to think, omg... .  what if I am? What if it's all me? We're back to this again. I'm going in circles. Someone just shoot me and put me out of my misery?

And everyone here has been so kind (really and truly) to try to talk me through all my 'stuff' and I feel like I'm not being appreciative. I feel guilty. I'm going back and forth between angry and depressed. Mostly I just feel confused I guess. Also? I probably shouldn't have written all this tonight when I'm having a bad day. I hope I don't read this tomorrow and regret being so irritable and whiney. Oh fluffnuts. Guess we'll see in the morning when I come back and re-read all this.

[Clearmind]

FOO plays a huge part in our negative self-talk. Your inner critic needs a talking to.

Who in your FOO told you not to voice your wants, needs, desires and who told you that arabella could not share her struggles/emotions and thoughts? Who was shaming?

Nothing wrong with shame if worked through constructively.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi arabella.  You don't need any more advice right now.  I've been where you are, it really boils down to overwhelmed for me, and what I needed was to simplify, so I do this:

1. You mention zen.  I create my own zen bubble that is safe, any color I want (green), a nice temperature, feels awesome.  It's a visualization of my boundaries, but it's impenetrable and perfect.  I meditate to it, feel safe in it, visualize it, everything I need, and all the answers, are in there.

2. I consider feedback or input I get from anywhere and anyone as a coat.  I try that coat on and see if it fits, measuring it against my own truth, my own innate knowledge, what is right for me.  And if it doesn't fit, I take it off, maybe try on another, maybe just sit.

That's it, two things.  I need to stop the chatter, I need to stop 'shoulding' all over myself, I need to chill, I need to be enough for me for a while.  It works.  OK, I'm done.

[Suzn]

I hope I don't read this tomorrow and regret being so irritable and whiney. Oh fluffnuts. Guess we'll see in the morning when I come back and re-read all this.

I hope you don't regret this tomorrow too. Being open and discussing your feelings takes courage arabella. A lot of courage. Kudos to you. Ask yourself what this anger is covering up, what's really going on with me? Identify the emotion behind it. Not feeling validated hurts. Saying you want to run away, hide and cry right now says a lot. When I'm hurting, a good cry, sometimes more than one, gets me to the other side of that pain. Helps relieve the stress I'm feeling so I can think more clearly. 

It sounds as though you are really working hard. Keep up the good work.  

[maria1]

What you're doing right here, right now, is work Arabella, hard, hard work. You are getting to some emotions and you are expressing them. That hurts. Good for you. I mean, really good for you.     

[arabella]

Ah, Clearmind, my FOO is very anti-emotion. Very stand-offish. Very "pull yourself together". It can be productive but it can also be very damaging sometimes. We don't fight. We don't yell or raise our voices. We don't slam doors. There is no crying. There is no making of demands. There are only calm requests and cool reprimands. Plus, I was the 'good' child - feel free to read that as 'the ignored child who could take care of herself'. It's just the way it is and I know that isn't normal. And a lot of those FOO issues are multi-generational as well as cultural. I'm fighting a bit of an uphill battle with myself there. I guess it's good that I at least recognize it. My inner critic sounds a lot like my parents, I think. It sounds a little like my H too. Oh, that makes me sad... .  

1. You mention zen.  I create my own zen bubble that is safe, any color I want (green), a nice temperature, feels awesome.  It's a visualization of my boundaries, but it's impenetrable and perfect.  I meditate to it, feel safe in it, visualize it, everything I need, and all the answers, are in there.

I like this ^ a LOT. Thank you for the suggestion. I think my bubble may require some physicality to it right now since my mental energy is a little depleted... .  Then I can carry the physical into my mind to cart around with me too. YES to this. Your #2 was also good, I have a hard time rejecting other people's input. I know this is a problem - another thing I am working on but not so good at yet.

suzn and maria1 - umm... .  you told me I was doing "good work" and, umm... .  that made me cry harder. Thank you. Back to the FOO issues... .  No matter how hard I ever worked, it was never enough. I always feel like I am at the 'not good enough' stage but just on the brink of 'almost there'. It's exhausting. Thank you for telling me that I am doing something good. I am trying (SO hard)!

[Clearmind]

Ah, Clearmind, my FOO is very anti-emotion. Very stand-offish. Very "pull yourself together".

“I should be productive at all times and negate my emotions and just get on with it. Don't feel, just do”! This is what my inner critic tells me sometimes too.

The issue with the inner critic in this instance is that it concentrates on the "doing" - do x,y,z and you will be valued. Your list further up is interesting to me - its like a check box of do's rather than checking into you/your emotions/your thoughts - self talk around how you FEEL rather than what you DO. Its like reading a resume and sometimes we can use our resume to provide us with value. You are of value not the resume.

We make a list and scream - now what I did the list  

At least you area aware of it arabella. When you feel yourself diving into shame, pause, give yourself some positive self-talk like you would if you were talking to a friend.

We don't fight. We don't yell or raise our voices. We don't slam doors. There is no crying. There is no making of demands. There are only calm requests and cool reprimands.

OK, so everyone puts on their “good girl” and “good boy” pants to save face and not feel. Being assertive and voicing our needs is really important. It can feel risky because we are not accustomed to asking/feeling - we don't know what we want because we dismissed it for so long.

Look at the TED videos - by Brene Brown - Power of Vulnerability - you will like it. (youtube)

Plus, I was the 'good' child - feel free to read that as 'the ignored child who could take care of herself'. It's just the way it is and I know that isn't normal. And a lot of those FOO issues are multi-generational as well as cultural. I'm fighting a bit of an uphill battle with myself there. I guess it's good that I at least recognize it. My inner critic sounds a lot like my parents, I think. It sounds a little like my H too. Oh, that makes me sad... .  

Yep me too! The silent child who always obeyed. I obeyed to not receive punishment.

We continue to live this childhood script of having to please/obey to receive love – there was a trade off. We are lovable without being the good girl. That trade off is counter productive – we had to obey as children because we MUST respect our elders – no longer! You get to choose because you are an adult with adult privileges, adult rights and adult needs. Talk to your peers/parents as an adult and not you as an adult with childhood emotions/script.

It’s OK to be sad - cry or break a plate – it’s a big realization – feel it, process it, move through it – use that emotion to help you grow – if you squish it you will forever be running away from yourself.

Begin to work through your childhood script and keep what you like and discard what doesn’t fit with your values. This may help you some arabella – it helped me:

The 3 P's - permission, prescription and prohibition (childhood conditioning)

Be kind to you.

[heartandwhole]

Hi arabella,

Just want to jump in here to support you.    I resonate so much with your post.  I have felt exactly as you described, and I have practically said the same words that you wrote down.  I was also the "good girl" in the family, took care of myself, didn't have any needs or wants.  Add to that very slippery boundaries.  I have been frustrated and angry at my friends and family for implying that I need to "do it differently" - change!  grow!  get better!  

NOW !   :'(   And I don't know how!  I am absolutely doing my best in this life, I don't know what they want from me?  I'm not hurting anyone or demanding anything... .  

So this is my core wound being triggered.  It's usually a variation of "There's something wrong with me," or "I'm not good enough."  Like everyone else on this planet.

I used to want to get rid of that feeling.  Heal it, and therefore never feel it again.  But with therapy and focusing on my little girl inside, I don't strive for that anymore.  Now, I am so much more willing to feel the shame and not enoughness.  It hurts like hell, but I've noticed recently that when it's welcomed, it seems to pass more quickly and there seem to be less residual effects, if that makes sense... .  I feel whole, even with all the doubts and fears that pop up in my head.

You mentioned Zen.  Have you checked out the Self-Acceptance series linked on this site?  I was particularly moved by the work of Bruce Tift, so much so that I bought his audiobook.  I recommend it - not as more work that you have to do, but as a balm for the "you" that thinks that you are not okay.

You really are, just as you are.  

heartandwhole

[Grey Kitty]

  I don't want to bring on more  :'( but you ARE doing good work. I'm impressed. I wish someone would just hold you and let you cry as long as you need to.

suzn and maria1 - umm... .  you told me I was doing "good work" and, umm... .  that made me cry harder. Thank you. Back to the FOO issues... .  No matter how hard I ever worked, it was never enough. I always feel like I am at the 'not good enough' stage but just on the brink of 'almost there'. It's exhausting. Thank you for telling me that I am doing something good. I am trying (SO hard)!

I find the same thing happens to me--when I'm having a tough time, that little touch of kindness is the thing that triggers me and I lose the ability to appear to be "almost OK" anymore.

And I figured that one out with some help from a meditation teacher--you only have two ways of being--you can open up and feel the joy and pain... .  or you can close up and not feel it. When somebody is kind, you open up to receive that... .  and all the pain is still there, so you cry harder. (There is no way to open to the love and close to the pain at the same time.)

    GK

[fromheeltoheal]

One day we got up, stretched, ate healthy, put on our running shoes, and lined up.  We gave it our all, gave it our very best, raced the race of our lives, and in the end we beat all those other sperm, because we were the best.  We've already won, we've already shown we're more than good enough.

[arabella]

Yup, so I woke up, read the new replies here... .  and cried some more.  I figure I should stabilize sometime in the next week or so.

I'm going to look at some of those resources suggested here. Thanks for the suggestions!

Here's the thing. I know I'm not even close to perfect. I know that it's okay to not be perfect (afterall, I don't demand it from other people, right?) but... .  The more I try to tell myself that I'm okay, that what I am doing is good enough, that I don't have to please everyone all the time, the more resistance I encounter. Now I realize that the people who know me irl have a vested interest in keeping me in 'pleasing' mode. I can sort of brush some of that off (usually). But when total strangers are telling me I'm not doing enough it's harder, as strange as that may seem. Why would they lie? They have no motive. And multiple people telling me I'm just "in denial"... .  well... .  then it really does sound like I'm the problem, right? I mean, I can dismiss a few critics, but after awhile I start to suspect that it's not them - it's me. I'm failing. If I could just find the right box to check off, the right thing to say, the right way to be!

Top that all off with the FOO who thinks I'm never quite enough, the husband who just left, the countless job applications and interviews but still no offers - I'm feeling really bad about myself. I really do feel like I'm in denial about my own lack of... .  something. Wish I knew what it was.

[maria1]

It doesn't matter what other people think. It matters what you think. Tell ME that though, when I'm feeling bad, and I won't be able to hear you. I'm too busy picking out the negatives in all the good stuff people tell me. Those negatives feed the self critic and he is always hungrier than the self accepter.

I've done episode 2 of the self acceptance project and thoroughly recommend it. Join me. We can talk about it on here- it really is amazing.

It is incredibly hard to love ourselves when nobody truly loved us for who we were as children. You're doing great Arabella. Keep crying! I hate crying, it makes me feel like s*** and it makes me look like s***. I'm in a therapy group now. Last week I shook I was crying so much. Just because a woman was talking about how she had some support but missed her husband.

Feel it and don't feel it. But don't hold it in when it needs to come out.

I think YOU'RE great Arabella

[MaybeSo]

Deep breaths.

But when total strangers are telling me I'm not doing enough it's harder, as strange as that may seem. Why would they lie? They have no motive. And multiple people telling me I'm just "in denial"... .  well... .  then it really does sound like I'm the problem, right

?

I can totally hear that THAT message is coming through loud and clear and from your description, that you aren't doing enough or should do more or in denial ... .  it sounds like THAT message is a very old, very pronouced voice from the past... .  and of course there are voices in the present that judge, also,  or  that echo old voices from the past... .  and touch old nerves... .  

So... .  it might help to take some deep breaths and quiet the mind.   And just notice any judging voice past or present that you hear ... .  the voice you hear that says you must do more,  and just notice it, but don't judge it back, or critique it, or defend or justify or argue or explain yourself to it... .  nor buy into the message... .  but just notice it... .   and practice compassionate acceptance of who you are RIGHT now instead of buying into the voice... .  and just accept yourself with loving kindness right now... .  not because of how hard you work... .  but  just for BEING human ... .  just for being you... .  right now... .  with big, deep breaths... .  and give yourself a kind message, that you are okay just as you are... .  right now... .  and everything is exactly as it should be, right now.

Keep taking cleansing breaths... .  and give yourself compassion.

 

[Suzn]

Arabelle is very common when we start changing, start setting boundaries and asserting ourselves it can be uncomfortable, for us, and for people we deal with that are use to our old behavior. There will be resistance on all sides. It takes time, these changes don't happen overnight, so insert "try" however be realistic.

One thing I have learned here as a member, when I feel challenged by other members and it feels wrong to me... .  I leave it alone for a day or two and then go back to the comments. I try hard to see their perspective. Sometimes it looks very different to me on the second look. Give it a try, you may find it helpful. Being successful in your self awareness and growth will come, clarity comes and goes, there are always variables that effect everyone.



www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JONA_6ZCrE

[vivekananda]

Hi arabella and others,

what a thread is here! So much valuable stuff to read. So, now I'll put my 2 bob's worth in... .  (if you don't know me, it's because I hide on the parent's board)

arabella I have found that when people give me advice that is given gratuitously, that what they tend to do is express their needs. I believe that if someone is responding to us with sympathy or empathy better still, then they are thinking of us. If they are responding to meet their own emotional needs (as is so usual), then that is what they are expressing. It is a projection of themselves (see transference) I hope that makes sense to you. I know I found it helpful when my dh last told me something I didn't want to hear... .  so, that's ok, he is really talking about himself.

So, now I'll talk about myself (see my dog and book avatar  )... .  and maybe you can find something in it for you... .  

A thought... .  when I find myself getting frustrated with a situation that I am working hard at, it is often just before I experience a paradigm shift in thinking. You know, when our level of understanding becomes deeper and things seem to make better sense. So, I hope I am more patient with myself if I start to get antsy about something I am trying to do or think... .  maybe a new revelation is around the corner   In this situation I try to open myself to acceptance more, acceptance of who I am, my own process in this journey, all those around me.

For me detachment is a lot about letting go of ego. I can meet my own emotional needs I tell myself, I don't need others to do it. so if they stuff up in their attempts to help me, I try not to let it get to me - after all, I can meet my own needs.

Finally when it gets too much, I take that walk and open my heart to the universe as I connect with the universe outside my cave. I harness the positive energy that abounds in the universe and take it into me. For me this works wonders.

having my own goals and practising self compassion are two other components of what gives me strength... .  and of course my friends here 

cheers,

Vivek  

[Maryiscontrary]

Also, don't underestimate the power of extinction bursts... .  in others AND IN OURSELVES. Like the uncomfortable feeling of quitting smoking. If you see it for what it is, a neural event, sometimes it lessens the intensity.

I think you are on the right path per your list in the original post. if you keep practicing these things, you might just really internalize how much sh!t you have eaten, and that you, with clean conscious, don't have to eat it any more. You just keep practicing, and nature will take over.

[arabella]

Such good input here. Without rehashing everything everyone's said, let me just say that I've read and re-read all of the posts and I keep getting more little nuggets of truth out of them. I am really hoping that this period in time is signalling a turning point for me. That I'm going to look back and just be grateful. Right now, in the thick of things, it's so hard to see where I'm going and how to get out of my own quagmire. Maybe it is an extinction burst of sorts within myself? That might be good.

I signed up for the self-acceptance project and I'm just watching the first video now. I'm having a hard time to focus on anything for more than 15 minutes at a time but, in the spirit of the project, I'm just pausing as I go and accepting that I'm doing my best and that's good enough. That's what pause buttons are for. Now, if I could just pause other things in my life!

You know, I've been thinking about old voices, inner voices, current voices... .  how they overlap and conspire to twist the mental and emotional knife. That whisper of "being in denial" is strong. Why is that? It's the greatest source of my self-doubt. It smacks of what people who are mentally ill must go through, being told they're ill but they can't see it. Am I that person screaming, "I'm not sick, I don't need help!", when really I do? (I think that's also the title of the book re helping mentally ill persons to get into treatment.) It scares me to think that I might be really messed up and just refusing to see it. It also scares me to change and not know where that's taking me. So I'm scared and I'm angry. And that, my friends, cumulates in a lot of tears.

[heartandwhole]

Arabella,

I don't know about you, but I'm a believer in when it's time for us to see our messed-upness, we'll see it, and not before.  And call me an optimist, but I think we see it at precisely the point where we become capable of doing something about it.  

How's that for letting myself off the hook?  

[fromheeltoheal]

The biggest lesson I've gotten through my time spent in BPD hell is finding out what I really need, precipitated by reflecting on what I got from my BPD ex, which was virtually continuous criticism, judgement, devaluation and disrespect.  That was so completely obviously what I did NOT need, and I credit myself with at least seeing that while emotionally enmeshed and getting the hell out, but leaves the question What do I need?  A bunch of digging and learning revealed I need empathy, compassion and validation.  Simple.

So that's been the goal since, develop relationships with people who will give me those things, only, and sometimes I do need to ask for them, which is all new to me: you mean my feelings matter and I can ask for what I need?  Stunning revelation.  Anyway, when things are crappy, which they have been as I've worked through detachment and healing, I need empathy, compassion and validation, only, not psychoanalysis, not labels like 'denial', don't need to be 'fixed", don't need to change anything, I just need to BE, and I need to be with people who will let me just be.  Not everyone is a good fit or even capable, but some are, and I find out who I am through connection with other people.  We're born to connect, it's all that really matters, and is necessary at times like this when I got my ass kicked by BPD and am healing and growing.

Those were my thoughts as I read your posts; maybe you can relate?

[maria1]

You know what my biggest and hardest revelation is? That I have to let go of people that hurt me. The hardest and most difficult thing about accepting that is that I'm not really left with anything much. I don't really know how to love people who don't hurt me. I never learned. Or I did but I forgot how because I got taken over in repeating patterns of dysfunction.

So I'm trying different ways. I'm grieving for everything I knew about love and everything I have to leave behind. That's quite a lot of tears.

I'm telling you this Arabella because I believe that we need to prune ourselves right back, and prune our lives right back. That's incredibly difficult and incredibly painful and it's slow. This goes way back before the BPD relationship. The BPD relationship is where we can choose to hide ourselves. Relationships are where we can hide ourselves. It's only denial because we aren't ready for anything different until we are. I think you are beginning to come out of hiding and you are glimpsing a little bit of light. That hurts when you've never felt it before. Please forgive me if I make no sense! I have had a powerful week of change and I am aware I am projecting my feelings onto the place you are.

I'm so very glad you have started the self acceptance project- I can only do a little at a time also.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Someone gave a good visual last night of codependency.  He said a boundary can be a like a big, imaginary bubble around us to keep us safe.  And the bubble has a zipper on it.  Codependents let others on the outside unzip the zipper and hop right in to our safe zone whenever they like. 

But once we realize we are codependent and start recovering, we can put the zipper on the inside of the bubble and have total control over what comes in and out.  For me, so much of this is about respecting myself.  If I don't respect myself, I will never respect others.  The same goes for love.  I think you're doing great, Arabella.

[arabella]

This is all so fascinating to me right now! So much of it is ringing true for me and so much of it is relieving some of the pressure I've been putting on myself. It's slow progress (very slow) but I'm starting to see more of the layers (and there are many, many layers). I also find it really interesting how concepts overlap, both here and with things I'm hearing and discovering in my offline life. Synchronicity - it's freaking me out!  

Here's a concept I am considering today:

For me I think a lot of it is a control issue. I'm aiming for perfection because I want it to exist. All those things that go wrong? All of that bad stuff? If I were better, tried harder, were more perfect - those things wouldn't happen. I can be in control of whether or not bad things happen if I think this way. Stuff doesn't just happen to/around me - I made it happen by not being good enough, not being 'perfect' enough. See? AND, at the same time, it's also not my fault because, hey, it's not possible to be perfect! Haha! I WIN! Yet, back in reality, I've just completely lost and I feel like crap.

If I use the above model, then the it is easier to believe bad things about myself because I want to believe them. I want to know which 'flaws' to fix so that I can be closer to perfection (i.e. control). There is no benefit to me to hear the good stuff - I've already mastered those things, I don't need to hear about them. Plus, those good things can't be that great, they must be offset by something pretty awful, because bad stuff is still happening... .  And since I am IN CONTROL then the bad stuff in me must be dominating, right? I must be really bad or inadequate.

This is not healthy thinking. I mean, I know I'm most definitely not in control of anything but myself. But do I really know that? Or, if I do know, maybe I'm trying desperately to fight against it?