After months of no contact, I went back. Such a huge mistake.

[feelingcrazy7832]

Sorry this is so long and could really use some encouragement and support. I don't even know where to start. I made the huge mistake of going back to my now once again ex addict BPD/addict boyfriend. Why? Well I felt that as long as he was not on drugs he wouldn't behave that way. Wrong! So So Wrong! For one, he never stayed clean that long. For any of you who have been involved with an addict/BPD, you know how insane it really is. It's been a hell of a roller coaster and like many of you say here, I almost feel like I have PTSD.

I could tell so many stories just from this past Xmas to now but I would fill a novel. The last crazy thing that happened is that a few weeks before we were going on a vacation with my daughter, I started finding pills again... .  adderal, Xanax, Vicodin and god knows what else he was taking. We talked about his relapse. I wasn't comfortable about it but leaving for a work trip that week. We talked alot while I was gone about why he felt the need to escape himself, bla, bla, bla. He had alot of insight. Of course I would find out later he would be on pills that entire time. When I got home that horrible Friday night I made the mistake of going out to see my friend's band play with my ex. He looked horrible. He was thin, nose running, and just a mess.

I knew he left his phone in my car so I went back to my car and looked through it. Of course, calls to people he used to get pills from and texts about drugs. We had been through this so  many times it was sick. He started to get volatile and angry at me when confronted and he's gotten physical in the past so I kicked him out of my car. In a panic to get his phone back (was in my car but he thought it was in my jacket) he grabbed me and ripped my jacket. I started honking the horn to get attention to us. I was scared.He ended up having to walk several miles home that night at 2 am in the freezing weather and I didn’t care at all. I lost it. I knew he didn't have a phone or a way to get home and I just didn't care. We were supposed to leave for vacation that weekend. I knew there was no way I was going to let him go, not in active addiction and after getting physical with me. So I went to his house the next day to return his phone. He was calm at first and the second I say anything about his grabbing me and ripping my jacket, he starts raging about how I made him walk home and took his phone, etc. Wow, no realization that it was because he became angry and hostile! It turned into the worse 24 hours of arguing. I did NOT let him go on vacation with me. No way I was going to bring that madness around my daughter.

That Saturday before I left he started texting me that supposedly someone contacted him and told him that I was seeing someone else. It was all a lie. I know it. He had to come up with some crazy excuse to tell people about why he was going to show up to work Monday instead of being on vacation. He works for his family and we were going to stay at his uncle’s home out of state on vacation so his family would have found out he didn't go. I scrambled last minute and thankfully found a place to rent for my daughter and I the day before my flight left. I fell for it at first. I wondered why in the world would someone tell him such a lie? My god was I naïve. It was a smokescreen. An excuse for him to tell people so he could look like the innocent one in the end. How do they come up with all these crazy stories? I couldn't come up witha story like that if I tried.

So the night before I left, I had some belongings of his at my house that were important, legal paperwork, etc. that he needs to get his license back (he just got off probation and hasn’t had a license from past DUI). He called crying that I could just keep all the paperwork, that he would just put a bullet in his head and it would be my fault because that is paperwork he needed to get off probation, etc. Just madness. At this point I had never told him I wasn’t going to return it. The next day before I was flying out, I called him and was on my way to his house to return his stuff. It went from literally him sobbing on the phone the night before and threatening suicide to him screaming at the top of his lungs and hanging up repeatedly. He wouldn’t even give me a second to explain to him that I was on my way there to drop off his stuff before I left. I had to call like 10 times.

I finally had it. I was fed up. I called him one more time and as wrong as this is I told him flat out I was 1 minute away from his house and decided he can F off, I was turning around because he was so out of control, I didn’t trust being safe anywhere near his place. I also told him I was going to throw it all in the garbage at the airport. I know, maybe not right, but I couldn’t take another second of the insanity. I just couldn’t. In a 36 hour period I had caught him doing drugs, ripping my jacket, making him walk home, taking his phone, trying to return his stuff, trying to talk to him, being accused of having another boyfriend, having him call crying threatening suicide to screaming at the top of his lungs going insane. No thanks. Enough is enough. I blocked all his calls/texts and had the most amazingly peaceful vacation ever.

That week on vacation the emails started, I love you, I miss you, I am so sorry, even if you do have a boyfriend I still want to talk to you, please talk to me, etc. Mind you, this entire story is made up. There’s NO WAY IN HELL anyone called him and told him this and he’s still trying to make me believe it. I’ll stop there. This is long enough. I feel traumatized. I left his things outside and asked him to get them when I was at work when I returned from vacation. Of course, he didn’t pay me back a penny of the $800 he owes me. Just came, got what he needed back and never paid me back. He’s supposedly now feeling great! He’s been clean for two weeks and looking towards the future and feels no regrets in life. My god, this is insane!

[feelingcrazy7832]

And I will say that I did finally contact him for the money he owes me after waiting for it for so long after he promised me he would pay me back in the emails professing his undying love for me while I was on vacation. He didn't like my response. I told him I would make sure I would get his belongings back to him when I returned and until he had a year of sobriety under his belt, we had nothing to talk about.

When I did contact him for the money, he ignored my email. So I had to remove the block to text him. He replied with a simple "I will mail you a check on Monday." I said thanks that's all I was waiting for and told him i hoped he would start to make some better choices for himself and keep on the right path in life.

It turned into a horrible interaction that left me feeling like garbage. It turned into this barrage of texts about how great he feels, and he's been clean for two weeks and that's why he feels better and he's only focused on his future. He sent me those emails because he was trying to hang on to something. It was easy for him to stay away from drinking and drugs but that he missed me and realized he would make things worse by continuing to talk to me, bla, bla, bla, bla. He also said our relationship was over the second I decided to see someone else (yes, the fabricatd story, my imaginary boyfriend).

See the end of our relationship couldn’t be caused by his drugs, lies and irratic behavior. It must be all me and my imaginary boyfriend. It then turned into him telling me he believed me that I wasn’t seeing someone else and that he loved me, etc. I finally had to get off this crazy train. I said as much as I loved him in the past, I just could never believe these stories he’s telling me. I wished him well, wished him the best in life, hoped he found happiness, etc. It ended by him saying “Please don’t ever contact me again! Nothing good will come of it “ and turning angry again.

My god, is this person insane. I seriously felt better after a few weeks of no contact. I felt I deserved to have him pay me back and it ended up just leaving me frazzled, unable to sleep and full of anxiety. It’s so not worth it. I’m sitting here trying to make sense of this all. Any advice or similar situations you can share would be greatly appreciated.

[Siamese Rescue]

My novel is similar to yours. 7 years of crazy. Super extra crazy. He broke up with me a week and a half ago after declaring me to be the pathological liar. He saw me three times with another man, not affectionately, in coffee shops, Starbucks, etc. finally I admitted it was a private investigator I hired to see if he was cheating. It blew up further from there. I relate to each incident you describe. I could write a mile long reply. I'm in south pain I could die but I am at least recognizing the nightmare of roller coaster crazy and I'm at least not on it right now. Well, I'm not on the active one, I'm probably still strapped in the seat. And this one could start again at any minute. I'm trying to embrace serenity and lonlieness because I believe these relationships cause addiction to the drama. I feel for you. Can't offer any advice but I've been through what you have been through. I lost almost 100K, lost so many friends, became isolated from my family... .