To My Husband

[MockingbirdHL]

To my Husband:

Your life is a long list of contradictions; and thus my life has become the same. 

You tell me that you love me, yet you act like you hate me right before and right after those words come out of your mouth.

You say that when I withdraw, it frustrates you at a “10” on a scale of 1 to 10, yet you go hours, days, weeks without speaking to me, without seeing me, without making any contact with me.  I can’t even answer a text five seconds late, but you can disappear for days at a time as if it was nothing.

You tell me that I am not setting the example you hoped for your daughter – to show her that a woman can be independent, healthy, and successful.   I am all three of those things.  But the example you have taught her is that other people don’t matter, only look after yourself, and if there is a problem, the best thing to do is cut and run and act like it never happened.  She is already beginning to exhibit the same traits as you do.

You scream at me that you can’t trust me, yet you look through my phone, you read my emails, you read my diaries looking for “proof” of your distrust.  You password protect your phone, your computer, your email.   And I’m the one who can’t be trusted.

You say that I hide things from you, yet you have significant financial debt that you think I don’t know about.

You tell me that you’ve tried to accept the fact that I am going to lie to you, yet everything you do feels like a lie to me now; I never know what is real or what is not.

You tell me that you need alone time with your daughter; I give it to you.  Then you berate me for not including her in everything that I do.  I ask her, she declines.  Then I’m not making enough of an effort.  She decides that she is not going to come and visit and suddenly that OK, it’s OK for her to exclude the rest of the family, and somehow it also becomes my fault.

You complain that I am not affectionate enough, yet when I touch you, you barely reciprocate.

You recall things that did not happen, you twist the truth of things that did, yet I am the one who is full of s***.  I am the one who has bulls***ted my way through everything in life.

You constantly engage in self-destructive behavior, yet you look at me as if I am the one who is hurting you.

You say you need space to think, to process, yet what I need never enters your mind.

You complain that our parenting styles are too different.  We expect the same thing from our daughters.  We have the same rules for them when they are together.  I cannot control what her mother does with yours, and you cannot control what her father does with mine.  You cannot accept the fact that they have very different personalities, opposites almost, and therefore react to the same parenting methods differently.  You say that one is not right and one is not wrong, but clearly that’s not what you mean.

You chastise me, saying that people need to time to adjust to new things, yet you don’t give me that same luxury of time.  I’ve never done this either, I’m not sure of my role or where I fit in either.

You were fine when I used my savings from before we met for our house, our wedding, our expenses, telling me that when you sold your house you would replenish some of those funds.  Then you sold your house for no profit without a fight.   And now you’re ready to just walk away and leave me with all that debt, all that responsibility, without a second thought.

I’ve stood by you for years of this, defending you to the moon and back, making excuses for you.  Our friends have no concept of your reality, or mine.  I listened to you rage, I’ve endured the silent treatment, I’ve heard the list of my faults from you over and over again.  Yet all I have been is supportive, and tried to convince you that you are loved and that you are a good father.

You expect everyone to be happy when you are happy, yet when you are upset, nobody else has a right to be upset except you.

I should be relieved at the thought that I may not have to second-guess every word, thought and action I make every day for the rest of my life.

I feel like I am slowing bleeding to death inside.

I feel like I am starting to believe some of the things that you say about me.

I feel like my self-worth is at an all time low.

I am tired.

I am physically and mentally exhausted.

I don’t deserve this.

Yet I still love you.

Why can’t you allow yourself to love me back?

[Clearmind]

Honest account of how life is for you right now MockingbirdHL 

Sounds like some boundaries and limits need to be set.  Any ideas?

I feel like I am slowing bleeding to death inside.

I feel like I am starting to believe some of the things that you say about me.

I feel like my self-worth is at an all time low.

I am tired.

I am physically and mentally exhausted.

I don’t deserve this.

No you don’t deserve it. How is your support network, hobbies and interests aside from your marriage. What concerns me Mockingbird is that you hang onto every projection your H throws at you – your lack of self worth needs rebuilding – it’s likely your worth was low prior to getting into your marriage and your H only reinforces what you already fee about yourself.

How can you work towards building your worth?