Boundaries, Children and Double Standards

[byasliver]

I have a boundary question and this looked like a good thread for it. My uBPDh keeps trying to make rules for our kids with extreme consequences (i.e. if they leave a cup on the counter instead of putting it in the sink or dishwasher, he'll cut off their cellphone permanently or their tv or whatever) but these same rules he is unwilling to adhere to himself. He gripes about them not picking up after themselves and "having an attitude" but he is just as guilty or worse! He leaves dishes and trash everywhere, doesn't pick up the dog poop from the yard, doesn't help around the house, and attitude? He curses at the kids over NOTHING!

So, my idea is this: if/when he brings it up I will say that we can discuss on rules/consequences we can agree on but they will apply to EVERYONE in the family - including him.

Ugh! typing this and I know it's ridiculous! Boundaries are not rules for others. They are limits we set for ourselves of what we will/will not tolerate. I am just so frustrated this morning! uBPDh is very dysregulated and when he gets like this he will push and push and push until something breaks. Right now, he's pushing his idea that myself and my daughters "just want everything for free and to do whatever without consequences." He's snapping at us over nothing or flat out ignoring us. I've got figure out boundaries for these situations. Any ideas? Please?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

Well, in our house we have some that are 'house rules' that apply to everyone

But at the same time I believe in double standards. And hypocrisy. Meaning yep my children have a different set of rules than adults (and just because did it as a child doesn't mean my kids are allowed... .  )

So you are going to have to pick and choose... .  Carefully, and on the high priority areas

[byasliver]

I agree with you to a point, yeeter. There are rules that only apply to the kids or only to the adults but for me, it comes down to responsibility and maturity. Everyone in the household has a responsibility to the family and anything that we all share (for example, the house) is something we should all be responsible for maintaining. However, H and I are adults who can make decisions about certain things (like drinking soda whenever we want or staying up as late as we want) because we are adults. With teens (three of my kids are), it works best if the rules and responsibilities are more logical and "fair". If they are expected to clean up after themselves, then so should the adults in the home. If they are expected to speak with respect then they should be spoken to with respect. For an adult to be allowed to yell "turn the ___ing music off!" (when it isn't even that loud) but they can have their music/tv/whatever as loud as they want and the child(ren) aren't EVER allowed to ask for it to be turned down isn't appropriate. For an adult to be allowed to create whatever mess they choose without cleaning it up but then to yell/curse at the kids for even the most minor of messes is inappropriate. And it all becomes even more inappropriate when the same adult is yelling/cursing that ALL the issues in the family are because NO ONE respects anyone or follows any rules except him.

The point for me is that he doesn't follow any expectations he expects of everyone else but puts all the blame for that on everyone else but himself. HE'S the one being disrespectful and irresponsible but he acts like it's everyone else. I can't even see the logic or reason in letting someone so irrational be allowed to dictate what others do in our home. Especially because we are already following so many of these rules but he can't see it. Basically, he wants to dole out consequences to everyone else for the rules HE breaks but THINKS everyone else is breaking.

[yeeter]

I get it sliver.  Some thoughts:

If he is raging at you then its time for a timeout and disengagement

If he is raging at the kids then its time to step in and prevent this (verbal abuse)

Dont count on him taking ownership for cleaning and chores - you can request it, but you cant 'make' him

In fact, do a careful evaluation of what you can, and what you cannot count on him for.  Then assess how to become more independent on the things you need that you cant get from him (by getting them from other places)

[byasliver]

OMG! Just got a call that CPS was called and a report filed that they are investigating. GREAT!

[yeeter]

Well dont panic.

I had CPS at my house.  They were sane, but at the same time obviously focused on what is in the best interest of the children.

My wife buried herself with the interactions, becoming contentious and difficult in dealing with CPS (so it a way it turned into a good thing - CPS became very supportive of me, even though I am the man, which is not the norm).  So take the high road, stay calm, and it will serve you better in the long road.

Let us know - good luck!

[byasliver]

Thanks, yeeter. Honestly, I'm not worried for myself. If they actually told me that the report was on me I think I would laugh out loud. I have flaws like anyone else and I'm not perfect but I am a d*mn good mom. It's one of the few things I do not ever really doubt about myself - occasionally, yes but not often. There is no doubt in my mind that someone reported my husband. However, I know that they can force me to separate from him in order for ME to maintain custody.

Btw, when I told him about DSS I had just told him I couldn't talk to him today because I was already upset. After finding out about DSS, I was brutally blunt and told him that if he wanted me to listen I could not tolerate his denials and misplaced blame. Stupid me gave him a chance to talk and what did he do - blame everybody but himself. Oh, unless you count, "I may have been too harsh but you did A, B, and C" (A, B, & C being nothing major - he actually compared his cursing at the kids to my daughter leaving a pizza box on the stove the other night.) It's always the same old story: I made mistakes in the past but give me a chance from this point. I point blank asked him how long I am supposed to wait before seeing any change and his answer was, "If you ask that then your mind is already made up and we might as well just call the lawyers." He is soo dysregulated! No matter how many times I said VERY CLEARLY that I was not giving up but just stating my fears and feelings, he still kept saying I was calling it quits. But if I asked him for clear expression of whether or not he was committed to our r/s, then that was wrong of me, too! He could ask for that, not believe it and keep asking but I wasn't allowed to ask for the very same thing!

Icing on the cake? I just got home from the mom/daughter thing and he informs me that he's getting a lawyer to be here when DSS comes and may refuse to talk to them! Like that is really going to help! My job of passion is teaching young children (preschool) and I've been trying to open my own preschool. If this goes badly, I could be forced to never be able to work with small children again! All he cares about is saving his own *ss! He even wanted me to tell the kids to only answer the exact questions they were asked and to not elaborate at all. He wanted me to "coach" them to make sure they don't say "too much." I told him that THAT would look really bad to DSS - like we really were trying to hide something! He kept saying, "If you want us to resolve our problems, letting DSS get involved is NOT the way to do it. That will only make things worse." What the heck? Like I called them or something! He was heavily insinuating that I try to sugar coat things to keep DSS out of our lives.

I've prayed for something to "break" - for things to finally go one way or the other. Maybe this is the answer to my prayer. I will NOT lose my kids just to protect him. He better wake up and face some facts and pretty darn quick!

[byasliver]

Oh, btw, he fully believes that omitting information does not qualify as a lie. I'm really starting to wonder if any of the "sane" part of him is left at all.