Latest Family Report Fiasco and Final Court Hearing

[Forward2free]

I knew deep down that the report would be against me, but I believed the writer and took her on face value (again) when she told me BPD/Nxh was an extreme risk and she wanted to reduce his time or insist on supervised, but certainly would be as it is now at worst.

So, I was only mildly surprised when I read her recommendation yesterday and saw the charm and convincing and lies that BPD/Nxh was able to pour out in his 2 hour session with her.

She has recommended 4 hours goes to 8 each fortnight, then after 2 months to overnight to 10am next morning, then next year to full weekends and 2 weeks holidays and in time, 50/50.   They haven't had more than 4 hours with him a fortnight in 4 years and the kids are 6 and 8. Plus joint attendance at school reviews, plays, art shows etc - he hasn't stepped into the school at all - I enrolled the kids and took them there and he has no other contact.

I wondered how she could change her mind so dramatically - but he played her as kind, considerate, trying to coparent, can't understand why I won't try harder, why I am holding the past against him etc.

The children even told her about favoritism, trying to convince them to say they wanted to live with dad and buying their love (in their own words) which she found abhorrent.

But the clincher that made my blood boil (and my lawyers) was that BPD/Nxh had provided her with my police record, but not his, against the court orders which prevented her from having access to either. My police record is from one interview about malicious damage that I allegedly did to his GF's house at the time. I was not charged and did not do any of the alleged crimes. In fact, my police record matched with BPD/Nxh's and the damage he did to my parents and sisters house and my car on the same night - in fact - I was with police at my parents house when she alleged I was attacking her property.

However, out of context, and without seeing BPD/Nxh's police record side-by-side it appeared to her that I may have issues of my own and through doubt on my clean image and presentation, which is also the truth.  

So, we're in court next week, a further 25k is due in 2 days, no time to negotiate or have new reports done.

My lawyer wrote a stern letter to his lawyer and to Family Report Writer chastising her for accepting the report against the orders and requesting a review and revised report.

I know now that I will be going to court with the sole aim of stating the dangers to the children, and fighting as hard as I can to keep them safe. At the end of this round, it will be up to the judge and at least I will know that I did everything possible to keep them safe.

Does anyone have any advice on what to expect in court and anything that I may have overlooked?

[marbleloser]

Wow! I'm sorry Kormilda. Since he/she went against court order regarding the arrest record,first I'd ask that it be thrown out.Completely! I'd hope the judge would look at this as I do.They don't look kindly on breaking court orders.

If the judge won't throw it out,at least have copies of you and your H's arrest report,so that you can counter the claim in court,without interference,and simply as fact so the judge can review it.

Does she specifically state that she saw the arrest record in any document she's written?

[mamachelle]

kormilda,

I am so sorry. aaargh! Have you and exh appeared before this judge before?

Does he or she know your case at all?

i totally agree with marbleloser.

mamachelle

[Matt]

Read the report very carefully, and note anything that isn't true:

On page 1 - "Blah blah blah" - this statement is false. and is supported by no evidence.

Offer any evidence you can, to prove that statements are false, but if you don't have any, point out that what's in there is not supported by evidence.

Find out if the Family Report Writer and/or your ex can be put under oath at the next court date, and if so, work with your lawyer to make sure he is well-prepared to expose anything in the report that is false.  Prove that the FRW didn't do her job right, and put things in the report that she did not know to be true.  Don't spare her feelings - do what's best for the kids.

But... .  pick your battles.  I wouldn't fight over his presence at school functions - you can't win and you'll look petty.  But make sure any false accusations are pointed out, and make that a big issue - "Mr. Ex is telling court officials false and negative stuff about Ms. Kormilda.  That shows he has some serious problems that should be addressed before he has alone time with the kids."

[Forward2free]

We've been in front of the same judge from the divorce through to all temp orders too. He was also the judge when BPD/Nxh elbowed my mother in the neck in front of the judge and judge ran out citing he didn't see it (he would have been asked to drop the case). No charges were laid, cited as a family domestic violence issue with family witnesses only.

However, after he saw it, he ordered a family report and visits went supervised and slowly for 3 years. He is not a family court judge, rather magistrates court so he has some family experience but not extensive. This could go really well for me or not, only time will tell.

Judge wont throw it out according to my lawyer. He will be itching to rule (instead of consent orders) and he has been difficult the whole time and wouldn't let us change to family court either.

My lawyer is speaking with my barrister this afternoon. They are furious. BPD/Nxh has refused to supply his police record to the family report writer so everything will have to be discovered through cross examination. I think this could be a good thing - we'll get the family report writers first words/comments, instead of her considered report - all in front of the judge.

Sheesh, at least I hope it's a good thing!

Matt -I have found out that BPD/Nxh has been telling everyone what a wonderful person I am and how endearing I am and such a good mother etc. In the face of everything, he looks like he is a stand up divorcee and I will look petty and like I am holding onto things. Thanks for your suggestions for detailing fact vs fiction. This will be tonight's homework.

Marbleloser - yes, she specifically states BPD/Nxh provided her with letters from his lawyer dated x,x and x and referred to specific examples from my arrest record, detailed information she would have no knowledge of otherwise.

[marbleloser]

" yes, she specifically states BPD/Nxh provided her with letters from his lawyer dated x,x and x and referred to specific examples from my arrest record, detailed information she would have no knowledge of otherwise"

There ya go! Use that to introduce HIS arrest record,along with the timeline showing you couldn't have done what you were accused of.Note the distance you were and how long it would take for you to have been there,while you were talking to the police.You have the timeline on your side to discredit him.Use that! At the same time,it will discredit her report and show that he violated court order.You can make this into a win.He's shown his hand.That helps you develop a defense.

[momtara]

Ugh.  Sorry this is happening.  I guess the only good news is that for now, you still have the kids the majority of the time.

[Forward2free]

Saw my lawyer today and she suggests preparing myself for overnight time, but they will suggest a more progressive strategy and hopefully that will in turn be better for everyone.

Does shared care ever work?

[Matt]

Does shared care ever work?

Yes, it can work in many cases.

My kids were 8 and 10 when we separated, 14 and 16 now.  (Plus two adult stepkids.)  Legally we have 50/50, but they're with me most of the time.  But they see their mom regularly, and we've learned to make that work.

What has worked for me:

* Very little communication with my ex, who was diagnosed with BPD among other things.  Almost all by e-mail, very brief and to the point.

* As much as possible, work with the kids and not their mom.  Encourage them and help them to deal with their own stuff, like clothes and homework, and keep expectations about what Mom might do minimal.

* As the kids have become older, I've expected them to make more decisions for themselves, about the schedule for example.  This coming weekend, they should be with me, but they decided they want to go to their mom's house on Sunday, for most of the day, for Mother's Day.  I was going to take them to "Iron Man", but we can do that another weekend - I'm going to support their initiative, just because it's their idea, and I think it's important to encourage them to make decisions for themselves, and own their own lives.

* Generally keep the focus on the kids and not on the conflict between the parents.

[ForeverDad]

Just because shared care works in some cases doesn't mean it will work in yours.

Continue doing your reasonable best to guide and influence the outcomes and then deal with whatever happens that is out of your control.

[Matt]

Just because shared care works in some cases doesn't mean it will work in yours.

Continue doing your reasonable best to guide and influence the outcomes and then deal with whatever happens that is out of your control.

Yes - good point.

I think the question to ask yourself - and others who know the situation well and whose inputs you value - is "What will be best for the kids?".  If you decide that 50/50 will be best for them, go for it;  or if you decide that one weekend night each week with their dad will probably work out well;  or if you decide that some time with him every other weekend, but not overnights - whatever you think is best, put it forward, and give your reasons - why that's best for the kids.

We all fall into the trap of seeing this as a competition between the parents, and then we want to "win".  And we can define "win" as "They spend no time with the other parent!" or something else that may not be what's really best for them (or realistic given the way the courts work).

Where I think we sometimes fall down is, we don't really think it through carefully, to figure out what's best for each kid, and then put forward our reasons, and persuade the others involved in the process that we have the best solution, and that we are focused on the kids' best interests.  If they see that - if they can tell that you're trying to figure out what's best for the kids, and if your reasoning seems good - that will help a lot I think.  (It did in my case, though I made some mistakes and didn't get the outcome I thought would be best.)

[mamachelle]

Saw my lawyer today and she suggests preparing myself for overnight time, but they will suggest a more progressive strategy and hopefully that will in turn be better for everyone.

Does shared care ever work?

My short answer, not knowing your entire situation... .  but knowing enough of it is that I think depending on where your ex is in the course of his life ... .  and when he is not under stress from some other factor like a break up in a romantic relationship... .  then it might be ok sometimes and other times not to much fun.

How do your kids feel generally about their Dad?

Does he miss visits now?

(My exH often cancelled visits with the kids)

I would hope that if this were to happen that you keep in place all the strategies you have done to minimize contact with him at the exchanges. In public places. Recorded... .  or whatever you were doing before. Also as short a time as possible like 24hr at a time to make sure he is not unduly stressed by having the kids for extended time periods.

What are some little protections can you put into place for your kids ?

My DD had a cell phone with them even at 9. My 7 year old grabbed it and called me once when Dad was acting strangely.

I still think you should do as you were planning to do and protest the inacuracies/lies/et al in the report. Also I would still go for the RO if that seems like the right thing. Yet having your L tell you to prepare for overnights is another story. Perhaps the RO just for you then? I don't know. I wish I had a crystal ball... .

 mamachelle

[whirlpoollife]

Continue doing your reasonable best to guide and influence the outcomes and then deal with whatever happens that is out of your control.

FD,

As I hit another hurdle and fall in my divorce/custody marathon, this was much needed for myself and helped tremendously today.

[Forward2free]

I really appreciated your words and as I went into mind lock down before court yesterday, I knew that it was time to accept overnights and let the kids have more time with their dad. In fact, I realised quite legitimately that I had succeeded in protecting the kids in a substantial way for 4 years, which is much more than any court would have offered me. I felt truly lucky and blessed that I had achieved 4 years of normal with the kids and a benchmark that the kids at age 8 and 6 would always know, and at 2 and 4 would have been impossible.

There was another court case that had precedence in court so my legal team started to negotiate an agreement with BPD/Nxh's legal team. They wrote it out before lunch and I made a few changes, instead of 2 consecutive nights in 6 months time, I suggested starting with after school and dinner on alternate Wed nights and Sat 6pm to Sun 6pm. I asked him to complete homework and accommodate the kids extra curricular activities and birthday parties. I also suggested we do drop off and pick up at our residences (kerbside only) to help the kids to feel more secure about it all too.

By 4pm, we hadn't reached an agreement. BPD/Nxh crossed out the homework clause and wanted the kids till 8pm on a Sunday night, 30 minutes after their bed time.

My barrister said not to lose it arguing over 30 minutes and we agreed. They didn't, asking for extra holidays and extra nights outside of the recommendation by the family report writer.

My barrister lost it with his barrister, told him to F off, and said we wouldn't be coming back to court on day 2. She suspected her opponent wanted an extra day's fee and was playing hard ball to drag it out. At 5pm we went into court and asked for a new court date and asked the magistrate to adjourn the case. BPD/Nxh was asked if he was happy leaving current orders in place until next available date in NOVEMBER 2013, and he said YES.

So, after about $20,000, one day in court, countless compromises and angst for me to agree to substantial time for BPD/Nxh, and we are back to 4 hours fortnightly with facilitated changeover.  

I don't know why BPD/Nxh didn't agree to essentially MORE than what he wanted and in line with what was recommended. I don't know why he was happy waiting 6 more months of status quo. I don't know why he folded so easily. I don't know why his barrister and solicitor didn't suggest he take it and be grateful for so much extra time. I don't know why part of me feels sorry for him. I don't know why I don't hate him.

I stayed home today and took an hour to drink a coffee, stare out the window at my garden and digest everything. It was the best thing I knew how to do and really helped to clear my mind. I had prepped to lose time with my kids and to be ready to support them come what may, and then nothing changed.

Divine intervention, or just BPD confusion?

Edited to add that the updated family report suggested that even though BPD/Nxh's mental stability is questionable, all the experts agree it is towards his ex-partners only, and not the children, therefore they say there is no risk of violence towards the children. Obviously there will be many years required before I believe that to be true... .  but for now, I can accept it.

[Matt]

Wow - great!  That buys you a lot of time, so you can decide the best way to proceed.

You could stick with the offer you made, but you don't have to.  You can go back to your previous position, that the current arrangement is fine and should not be changed.  Or you can propose something else.

Is it possible to have a psychologist appointed, who can administer objective psych evals to both parents?  With that information, you might be able to make your case stronger, and base it more on hard information.

[marbleloser]

":)ivine intervention, or just BPD confusion?"

Maybe a little bit of both. 

Good news for you! You keep status quo until November.It'll be hard for him to fight that.He honestly missed a golden opportunity when the asked if he was ok with the current schedule until then.

[ForeverDad]

Could it be too that since you have distance and separate life as a protection then his only way to get to you was by dragging you through court over the kids?  Even if it's negative contact, making you pay $$$, court appearances, jerk you around, distress you, and then agree to step back - for now?

I wonder if this is the 'price' you have to pay for the foreseeable future?

[mamachelle]

kormilda,

I would guess it was the 'saturday-night-with-kids-ruining-his-date-night' combined with BPD confusion and some chain yanking.

Ahh- so good to hear though!


mamachelle

[Matt]

It might be a little dangerous to focus too much on his motivations (or his attorneys'.  His thinking is probably screwy, and you can get sucked into that... .  

Best to keep your focus on two things - making your time with the kids the best it can be, and putting forward what you believe is the best outcome for November, with the strongest supporting arguments and evidence you can.

Be on offense - not aiming to harm the other party, but moving forward with what you believe is right.  Not defense - reacting to what the other side does.

[Waddams]

Document that he turned down a better custody arrangement and agreed that he was okay with the status quo for the next 6 months.  To me, that makes it kind of hard for him to argue that the status quo is not okay because he just said it's okay with him for a pretty long term basis (6 months).

[Forward2free]

You are all so generous with your time to respond, thank you!

"It might be a little dangerous to focus too much on his motivations (or his attorneys'.  His thinking is probably screwy, and you can get sucked into that... .  " Matt - I couldn't agree more. Even though I couldn't ever work him out before when we were living together, I still find myself trying to use my rationale to work it out. Rookie error!

"Could it be too that since you have distance and separate life as a protection then his only way to get to you was by dragging you through court over the kids?  Even if it's negative contact, making you pay $$$, court appearances, jerk you around, distress you, and then agree to step back - for now?" FD - my mum agrees with this one. She thinks he never intended to have the kids more and just wanted to screw with me and waste my money. She, as do I, also think that he wouldn't be able to handle "normal" day-to-day activities and wants to focus more on fun and good times rather than life.

"You keep status quo until November.It'll be hard for him to fight that.He honestly missed a golden opportunity when the asked if he was ok with the current schedule until then." Marbleloser & "To me, that makes it kind of hard for him to argue that the status quo is not okay because he just said it's okay with him for a pretty long term basis (6 months)." Waddmas - I hadn't looked at it like that, but it sure makes sense. I would also be surprised if this doesn't spark a serious of events that will make it harder for him to come back from in 6 months. Current 23 year old girlfriend has been around since Dec 2011 so unless she marries him or falls pregnant, I can't see it lasting too much longer. She's still starry eyed though... .  

"BPD confusion and some chain yanking" - totally Mamachelle. Sure looked like his head was spinning as we left court, he didn't seem to realise he had screwed it all up. Not sure we'll ever see the same barrister again!

My barrister said he looked like Quasimoto... .  and, his gf was there and she is young and smoking hot. They were completely baffled. Oddly, she only met with him at lunch and didn't come up into court or discussions - I am pretty sure she doesn't know much of the truth.  I told them that he was a charmer - muso's always have pretty young girls! My sister told them that he was much hotter when I dated and married him. New GF definitely got the raw deal on so many levels.