round and a round

[qwaszx]

So. i worded stuff wrong today, her mom and her got in a fight, shes getting kicked out, decided the living at her physically, emotional, sexually abusive fathers, whom she hasn’t talk to in years is her best option.

So i try and convince her go anywhere but there. her mom doesn’t know that she has BPD there for there is no understanding what so ever on her part. my friends gifted but has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old at times like these, its hard for anyone to understand, and harder not to let your emotions take control when you feeling like ~ and like you've done your personal best, have know idea whats actually going on, but your failing her(so you feel)... .  so anyways her mom blew up on her(ive been trying to convince her for months now to leave, but she isn’t mentally stable enough to hold a job down, so there for cant get a place, and they are simple cycling with each other right now, rage over load almost every week) i try and calm her down, which i thought i was able to do.

Anyways i can see how her mother became upset with her, it first im told only that her mom lost ~ on her, states some of the emotional abuse shes taken(which im sure her has, and i feel for her, there both blind as bats when it comes to there situations, and they fight like to pit bulls in a ring) and that she has to leave.

after were trying to figure out housing and what to do with her pets etc, shes seems to have calmed down, ends up telling me that she has to blow up at her mom to get anything across to her. says that she wants to be able to have normal talks with her, without them getting out of hand  (pretty sure her mom’s a BPD also, or something close) so a confront her on what she’s just said in a nut shell, "if you want different reactions your goin to have to react differently, plus if your attacking her how do can you expect her to not get defensive?"(clearly not something she wants to her when shes being a victim, i thought she was back to being sensible her... . normal days we used to be able to have these convos! there both so bloody miserable, and burnt out from fighting all the time they have turned each other against one another and against themselves, they are both bleeding, hurt and raging now, it just makes me sad) i go on to give prospective ... . from both hers side and her mothers... . and yes i know i cant "fix" it. but does that mean i have to not state my option also? how do i just listen to her cry and not at least try and explain some of what the hells going on? like "i cant save you, you got yourself into this mess, you can save yourself, i offered you a endless supply of options here, she is the only one that can save herself, but shes gotta start looking at herself to do that, she used to be able to do that, i dont know what happened. like why does she ask me for help, but get mad when i turn it around to show her the part shes played in the whole situation?

bottom line i made a bad judgment call as to where she was mental, and i probably shouldn’t have stated what i did... .  i also(only kidding) told her "i cant be a robot and always say what she wants to hear" she took that way wrong... . it was a dump, smart ass thing for me to say, with really bad timing attached, but i've said it to her b4 with out hurting her feelings.

i feel bad for her mom, i feel bad for her, i feel bad about how everything is going there... .  but i've stood where her mother stand and taken the blunt end of the knif, she can be so very black and white, and you dont have to do anything but be there for her to get set off sometimes... . so i dont feel like i said anything mean or rude to her. but shes twisted what i say, her response, "you know its not a good idea for me to be in anyones life right now", (wished me the best) states, "i need some very serious help before i try and be anything for anyone., including a friend... . i love you and thank you for everything" ... .  O.o so im officially but in the black whole once again. this time scares me, shes at the losest ive seen her in a long time. anytime shes like this she finds the biggest heartless ass holes, or self harms like crazy, im worried about her and now theres nothing I can do. I like i know im not perfect, actually its something i point out to her alot, im going to make mistakes. problem being i she already is someone to me, a very important someone. just friends or not. im not sure what i said to paint her into a bad person who cant have friends right now?:S

so ya now shes wont talk to me, im almost certain she'll come around, but im still going to be worried/a little hurt until then.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

How old is your friend?  Does she go to school of any kind?

[qwaszx]

shes in her late 20s and no, for the last years shes just been mental gone.  like one wrong move back to her moms just wrecked her... .  

[qwaszx]

she had held a job for almost two years before that, now she just cant seem to get her feet back under her.

[bruceli]

Is she interested in getting help for her BPD?

[qwaszx]

shes gone through 3 therapist(the last one just left her last week, so she hasnt gotten a new one yet) with in the last year, non of them have a clue what there dealing with from my prospertive But yes, shes was/is actually trying. its the reason she moved home in the first place, so she could get this sorted out.

[bruceli]

It's great to see she's trying.  Why did her T leave her?

[qwaszx]

ya its awesome that shes trying, im damn proud of her for givin it a shot. i know with the right therapist she can over come this. Im not to sure why they have left, from what ive heard from her the last two have relocated (the first one was a sub for the one who just left, because the other girl was on maturity leave) at one point the first one actually told her she couldn’t help her in the state of mind shes in  ... .  they aren’t advanced enough for her, and shes gotta get out of her mom’s if she wants a shot at really healing to start, problem being is how does she do that whens she’s not stable, and knows she doesn’t have very many options?

[jedicloak]

Oh yes. This sounds very familiar. Very sorry for the pain she is causing you and to herself. It's hard to say what's really going on with her since I don't know her or the situation. I would say their might be benefit to having her get a medical check up with her primary care doctor to see if there is something physically going on that could be contributing to her emotional instability. If that is clear, then a referral to a psychiatrist might be helpful to give her a medication to help stabilize her moods so she can get the benefit of therapy. This is what the therapist was referring to when they said they can't help her in this state - your friend has be somewhat emotionally stable so she can do the work the therapist suggests.

That's the practical side of the issue. The emotional side for you is of course hard. It's clear you care about her and that is wonderful of you. Honestly, I find the Serenity Prayer helps me deal with hard things like this... .  

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

This board is a great place to come and share. Welcome.

[qwaszx]

she's been up to see her family doc to see if there is anything else going on, other then her irons very low thats all that i've heard. shes also been on mood stabilizes, antidepressants and antiphychotics... .  they made her more depressed and the after math from that seems worse then before(she decided to go off them, i also though that was a good idea, now i dont know, but "they" were making her more depressed... .  or at least that’s what it she/we though was... .  she had gotten really creative with her suicide thoughts, was obsessing on the for weeks... . )

thats the prayer she used to have up on our wall. :'( its kinda ironic  sorry about the silly conflicting emotions there... .  

Thank you for your support.

Im struggling, i thought i'd been more ok with having not heard from her in a couple days, i should be used to it by now... .  should i reach out and email her to see what going on? i feel soo bad :'( i wasnt empathetic enough to her needs... .  but if i email her she might feel like im not respecting her choice and get more upset... .  if i dont... .  i dont want her to feel alone going through this. that she has no support. i effed up. but i cant save her, i cant efford to get a place together(emotionaly or money wise, thats why i live with friends as it is), and thats what it seemed she was asking, i cant go back, can i? i had told her like a year ago i would get a place with her, but she then decided she didnt want to so i moved on, i cant wait forever. I've told her id help her with cost getting a therapist who actually know BPD and does DBT, she agreed, then decided to stay with the place shes at... . hopefully the next therapist will be more helpful for her though i dont think shes getting what she needs... .  

i've been just really start to enjoy life again. all i wanted was to be able to live my life, and help her out from a greater distance. problem with this time was i was busy doing other things, and had to go to work when we were trying to figure out what to do... .  i rushed, pushed to hard, and i kinda though it world be ok(she's been kicked out before, but then they make up and are ok, or at least she thinks so, maybe i shoulda taken her more seriously, i donno) i didnt even get her last text til that night, which by the looks of when i texted her back, she'd already blocked my number... .  i dont know what i should do... .