My daughter doesn't stop

[rehtom]

My daughter makes sure I hear about her life through family, but it is always things that hurts me.  She knows my weakness and never hesitates to push the buttons. She will be graduating in June with her AA degree and then will be attending a University in our town. She sent a sonogram to someone that she knew would share it by manipulating that person. I have NC with her per her demand or her future children. I have been devastated over her cruel behavior. I am obsessing and can't seem to put things in perspective. I can at times and I am in therapy. I have to go for my chemo in two weeks and I am not able to process the pain of this cruelty. We were very close and had a codependent relationship. She always made me feel I needed to fix everything for her and do everything or I failed as a mother. In the mean time she was very mentally abusive to me. Then she started actually setting me up so that I would look like I was this evil person. She told me and my wife that she wanted to move up the wedding because she cared about how important it was to me to see her get married with a clear mind. At the same time she was telling her future family and friends that I made her move up the wedding, and many other things I wasn't aware of. I was suddenly out casted to the and I still have not received any wedding pictures. Which I was a major contributor to their wedding. The next thing I know everyone was saying cruel things and blocked on Facebook. People that I had never done anything to them. Then She started contacting family members and is dividing our family by her lies. I love my daughter and I Just don't know what do. I am unable to process because of my illness. How can I still love her so much whens she hates me and hurts me so much?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi rehtom,

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time right now.     Of course it hurts to feel like an outcast in your own family.

Right now you need to focus on your health and taking good care of yourself.  There are people here who can help you manage your relationship with your daughter.

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources:

What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and hope you join us on this journey.

Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

heartandwhole  

[vivekananda]

Hi rehtom, 

It is so hurtful when our adult child whom we love so much seems to delight in causing us pain. They seem to consciously manipulate extended family and even close family. We hurt and we grieve and it is an unrelenting experience with brief respites.

rehtom, my dear daughter (dd) is 32 and while there are obviously going to be differences in out experiences, it is so similar. What is especially the same is the effect it has on us when our child is so hurtful.

I would like to welcome you here to a place where there are others who understand how it feels. It is a safe place to learn about BPD and how best to improve our relationship with our children ... .  and others too.

I would like to encourage you to explore the site here and begin your own journey towards healing. What was most important to me was all the articles and information on BPD and the tools to help me in my relationship with my dd, but best of all is the 'parent's board' where we parents of children with BPD post our problems, learnings and experiences, and engage in discussion with others who understand.

I think it would help you to learn about boundaries. Do you know anything about boundaries?

Most important, take care of yourself and your dear wife (dw),

Cheers,

Vivek      

[Being Mindful]

Hi rehtom,

Glad to see you here on the parent's board. 

Being Mindful

[griz]

Hi rehtom:

Welcome.  I am sorry for all the pain and anguish you are feeling right now.  My DD is only 18 but being a parent and being hurt is the same at any age.  I know you will feel welcome here and safe.

Griz

[rehtom]

I'm sorry I'm confused, to write new post, do I go to reply every time? Or is there a place that allows me to post new things?

[vivekananda]

Hi rehtom,

Relax  , we are all confused when we first start here. It just takes time and patience but the rewards are more than worth the effort.

To respond here and add to the discussion to this thread, just click on reply, as you did to make the response you did just above here. (At the bottom of the top right hand quadrant, there are 4 'tabs' in white writing - click on reply and the little box to write in appears)

I will explain how to start a new thread separately.

In the meantime, you could let us know how we can help, eg do you know about boundaries? Are you new to the idea of BPD? We believe here that the more we know, the better able we are to care for ourselves and our loved ones. We are all in the same boat here - more or less the same - different circumstances, same effect on us.

cheers,

Vivek

[parent of bpd daughter]

I am so so sorry you are going thru this hell along with the rest of us here. It sucks - plain and simple.

Meantime- FOCUS ON YOU and your chemo! Leave her to her misery - she WILL find someone else

to target - you need your health!

I too have had to do this detachment - I am struggling with health issues I am sure made worse by stress

of dealing with this miserable behavior.

The reason you still keep trying is because You are a DECENT human being - a good parent - like the rest of us.

She will either come to see the problems with her behavior or not - meantime - work toward Detachment - let

her go - let her go. Keep her in your prayers, keep her in your heart, and understand you cannot change her -

she is an adult and you need to remove yourself from her target range - let her find someone else to pick on

that isn't going thru Chemo!

Peace and health to you.

[mggt]

Dear mother (rehtom)  I truly feel your pain my only advice is stay true to your honest feelings . We did nothing wrong .  BPD is a terrible disease if effects everyone around us and them .  My heart goes out to you, youre not alone .  Sending you strength wisdom and honesty god bless you and yours . Everyone on this board has similar storys albeit not as severe   Sending you positive energy and hold on     mggt