I've committed to leaving, and SO far he is cooperating...

[Peace4ME]

It's been nearly 2 years since my BPD(unkown at the time)bf moved in with me and little by little I started to notice s. I ignored them.

It's been 18  months since we bought a house together and the BPD behavior severely escalated.

It's been 16 months since I discovered BPD and found this site and have tried everything to help myself and him and us save this relationship.

After 15-20 "it's over"s, this time I'm sticking to it. He is apartment hunting, I found a realtor and we signed a contract yesterday. There have been a few pathetic attempts on his part to try to get me to reconsider. He asked me to watch a movie in an attempt to reconnect- I found out 30 minutes later he has already been on match.com for days. He's asked me a few times if I'm sure about this. And then just a few days ago he asked me if I wanted to have sex... .  REALLY? No, I do not want to be your F buddy while you try to find new girls to sleep with and date on match. It may have been an attempt to reel me back in as well, but it just disgusted me that he has that little respect for me and the end of our relationship.

I hope to God he gets this apt and starts to move out this weekend so this anxiety will start to lift off my chest. It sort of feels like the calm before the storm, though. I'm waiting for one last crazy recylcing attempt or a smear campaign, all the while just trying to play nice and be civil.

Any advice from those who have been there?

[Newton]

Hi Peace4ME ... .  great job in reclaiming your home 

Without knowing your history I would give some general advice that applied to my situation... .  

1/ Do not become involved in discussions about why this is happening... .  it's past that now... .  it will escalate the drama.

2/ Request his keys back... .  even when you get them (or if you don't) change the locks! this is ESSENTIAL!

3/ Make sure EVERY possesion of his is removed from the property... .  things are often "left" as an excuse for more contact at a later date.

4/ If you are close to your neighbours, inform them (when he has) that your ex has left the property for good, and has no right or need to be there... .  and you'd like them to inform you if they witness him "loitering around".

5/  Smear campaigns can be minimized by having a friend or family member who is aware of the situation to be present at ALL times your ex is clearing his things... .  and for a few days afterwards if needs be. Keep in regular contact with people you trust, that are local... .  and report any "odd" goings on to them, no matter how small they seem.

6/ Stay focused on WHY this has to happen right now... .  rather than the sadness of it happening.


I am not meaning to alarm you, I think you have every right to be sceptical about his behaviour, this is practical advice... .  and you did ask! 

A question... .  why would he have to "start" to move out this weekend... .  moving does not take long if you have the vehicle and the motivation to do so... .  it sounds like it will be prolonged?... .  Could you clarify?... .  

[Peace4ME]

Hi Peace4ME ... .  great job in reclaiming your home 

A question... .  why would he have to "start" to move out this weekend... .  moving does not take long if you have the vehicle and the motivation to do so... .  it sounds like it will be prolonged?... .  Could you clarify?... .  

Newton, I'm not sure if you missed the part where I wrote that WE bought a home. We are both on the mortgage and deed, he has just agreed (at this point) to go ahead and get an apartment and I will live in the house and continute to pay the mortgage (and work on it) until it sells. So, legally, I cannot change the locks or enforce much at this point.

And I think he will be able to accomplish grabbing some furniture and clothing over the period of a weekend, but we have boxes and a whole house full of things to go through and divide and repack, that will take weeks. 

Thank you for your advice, especially number 1. I have, in the past, had the same discussion over and over over... .  

[Newton]

Apologies Peace ... .  I did miss that and my experience has only been with renting with BPD partners... .  hopefully members who have purchased homes can help you with the practicalities further... .  

Well hopefully I can contribute a little with the emotional aspects of this physical separation... .  

The attempts to watch a movie together (was this one you shared in the past?... .  or just for the sake of spending time together?)... .  is rather sad considering what you are both about to go through... .  

The request for sex is just frankly a disrespectful attempt to bust your boundaries, provide him with a little self soothing, and possibly hook you back in on a basic level that he understands and thinks will work... .  

As for him going on match?... .  that simply speaks volumes about his true intentions towards a reconciliation... .  

[hithere]

Any advice from those who have been there?

Hope for the best but be prepared and expect the worst.

I also spoke to my exBPD about moving out for about 6 weeks before I did it and she seemed pretty OK with it most of the time, but she was mostly in denial.

[Peace4ME]

Apologies Peace ... .  I did miss that and my experience has only been with renting with BPD partners... .  hopefully members who have purchased homes can help you with the practicalities further... .  

Well hopefully I can contribute a little with the emotional aspects of this physical separation... .  

     The attempts to watch a movie together (was this one you shared in the past?... .  or just for the sake of spending time together?)... .  is rather sad considering what you are both about to go through... .  

I think it was just an attempt to spend time together and recycle back into the relationship. He always says he's done and then just wants to forget about it a few days later

The request for sex is just frankly a disrespectful attempt to bust your boundaries, provide him with a little self soothing, and possibly hook you back in on a basic level that he understands and thinks will work... .  

Just makes me wonder if he actually still wants it becaue of how he feels about me or if he is just a pig

As for him going on match?... .  that simply speaks volumes about his true intentions towards a reconciliation... .  

Agreed, and how needy he is that he can't wait 24 hours after a breakup to start looking for someone to fill the void