How to Heal and get out of the FOG

[ZhaoZilong5]

Disclaimer:  this isn't about me.

So my ex just left a BPD relationship after about 9 or 10 months.  She's not going back, but the splitting's still there.  She's still in the FOG.  It's too hard for her to completely block him from contacting her.  I think she suffers from social anxiety disorder, and she's obviously pretty depressed now with a lot of mood swings.  Intense feelings of missing him despite him being an ass who went out of his way to hurt her, etc.  She still feels like it could be her fault, and though she doesn't trust him, she's still trying to figure out what was true and what wasn't.  Typical FOG?  She's also a little afraid that she may end up going back to him in the future.  I'm not sure if 30 days of NC would work in this case, since I've seen cases of people still not feeling like they made any progress towards recovery after a few months... .  even years.  Her best friend and I are being as supportive as possible, but you know... .  

I was in a BPD relationship before and after her... .  same person both times.  During the second time, it didn't really hurt me because I was so careful and guarded.  Forced NC on me and monthly contact from my BPD ex after our first break-up didn't affect me because I was numb.

I know healing time isn't something that can be precisely measured, but what steps are effective steps towards healing?  Her age is 21, and she's had a string of bad relationships, the only exception being me.  How long did it take you to heal?

Also, I only saw two links in the lessons for dealing with depression, and one of them is broken.  I'm not sure how willing she would be to come here and post either.

[heartandwhole]

Hi ZhaoZilong5,

I'm glad that you want to support your exgf through this very trying time.  As you know, recovering from a r/s with a pwBPD is no picnic.  This might help: Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

Since you were in a r/s with someone with BPD, you have experience to share with her.  How did you detach?   How did you handle the abandonment depression? 

NC will do nothing if there is no real action toward detachment.  Have you checked out the links to the right ----->

heartandwhole

[ZhaoZilong5]

Hmm... .  can you further explain what you mean by NC doing nothing without detachment?  That's actually the first time I've seen that.  I always thought of NC as being major effort to detach in itself.

[ZhaoZilong5]

Oh, I forgot to mention how I healed.  I wasn't the one who detached.  She left me for somebody else and went LC with me... .    She contacted me once a month for the first two months, then for the next couple of years, it was mostly NC.  I'm sure many of you would advise against this, but I focused on my anger, specifically because she took $7,600 from me.  I met my ex that I'm trying to help a couple of months after the BU with my BPD ex, but we didn't start dating for a year later.  My anger came back after that BU, and then some time a few months later, I let go and reached out to my ex with BPD.  We attempted dating again, and she betrayed me again.  However, it didn't really hurt the second time, because I was so distant and guarded because I was waiting for her to prove to me that I could trust her.  A month later, I checked up on her, and I guess we're on friendly terms.  I don't have any feelings for her, so she's just a friend.

As for the depression?  I went through that for most of my relationship.  After the break-up, I'm not sure.  I was numb for a month or two, and obviously angry after that, but I don't really remember being sad afterward.

[heartandwhole]

Hi ZhaoZilong5,

Anger is a really important part of the grieving process.  Good for you that you were in touch with it.    Many of us have difficulty with that step!

What I meant about NC was that if there is NC without the work of detaching, that is, simply no communication, then there hasn't necessarily been a recovery from the breakup.  Kind of like putting a band-aid on an infected wound.  The band-aid protects the sore from further harm, but it's just superficial, it is not treating the injury.  The infection needs some antibiotic ointment to fully heal.  That's the detachment process.

My understanding (and experience) of NC was that it was time that I needed to get my bearings, to grieve, to understand my part in the r/s and get healthy again - without the FOG of being in the relationship or hoping for a reconciliation.  It was very important for my healing, but many people don't want it or need it and do very well with LC or other methods.

The main point is the detachment process, not whether there is contact or not.  Some people can detach with contact, I'm not one of them.    

Hope this helps.  

[tailspin]

Hmm... .  can you further explain what you mean by NC doing nothing without detachment?  That's actually the first time I've seen that.  I always thought of NC as being major effort to detach in itself.

No contact was a way to protect myself.  Once NC was established, I began to take control of my life again, and this allowed me to ask myself the difficult questions and come up with the painful answers necessary to heal.  Healing myself resulted in my detachment from him. NC is the means to heal but not the end result.

tailspin